TRUMP FORMS "LEAK FORCE" TO BATTLE DANGEROUS INSURGENCY

“Our country is at a dangerous crossroads,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “We have a treacherous traitor within our ranks leaking to the failing New York Times. This must be stopped. Since the weak and awful Attorney General, cowardly pond scum Jeff Sessions, the absolute worst person ever, refuses to stand up for justice and investigate, I am taking the bold action of forming a new military unit called Leak Force. It’s like an army of plumbers to fix leaks. Leak Force’s dedicated duty will be to uncover and destroy evil enemies of the people standing in my way of making America great again.”

Trump said Leak Force will have 140,000 “Truth Agents” charged with identifying dangerous dissidents who are not on the president’s team.

“This is the United States of America,” the pudgy prez said, “and we cannot have horrible radicals destroying the freedoms that I have fought so hard to get. Like it says in the Bible and our Constitution, America is one nation under God. And God is very good, you know, the best God, really — and I hope He helps me in my sacred duty of finding these treacherous traitors and casting them to eternal damnation. Lakes of fire and fury are too good for these disloyal bastards, believe me. I also want to have a Leak Force parade, with cotton candy machines, pony rides, balloons, and everything!”

White House insiders say the president has been enraged ever since the anonymous op-ed piece ran in The New York Times earlier this week. They say he has pouted, cried, ordered extra ice cream and KFC, threw his toys, and overturned his desk in the Oval Office.

“I’ve never seen the big guy so upset,” one cowardly and gutless insider said as he doodled on his Vice President of The United States notepad. “He is usually very emotionally balanced and rational, but that op-ed threw him into a dark tizzy. After I read it to him, he immediately ordered a nuclear strike on The New York Times building, but General Kelly talked him out of that. Something about collateral damage and what-have-you. He punched General Kelly, then slapped Jared in his pretty face, and told Ivanka she was the only person he could trust. The boss assumed a fetal position at her feet and fell asleep.”

Trump feels confident he can find and suppress leakers. “My job is never done. First I had to deal with the biggest witch hunt in history, and the fake news media and all the deniers of the excellent job I am doing. Now I must kill the dangerous enemies of the state because that’s what strong leaders do. There is a heavy price to pay to keep free speech free, let me tell you. I demand 110% loyalty, I deserve it for the incredible job I’m doing — everyone says so — and if it takes getting rid of all the bad apples, so be it. It’s like the old saying says, you have to crack a few eggs to make an apple pie and America great again.”

Leak Force will begin waterboarding suspects soon to determine who is not on Team Trump. Those guilty will be annihilated for the good of the nation.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time writer, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

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