TRUMP EXONERATED BY TOTAL STRANGER, PREZ IS INNOCENT!

Yesterday was a big one for President Donald J. Trump and GOP patriots defending the Constitution and rule of law.

As the evil, America-hating Democrats continued their circus charade of trying to impeach the country’s greatest president, they heard a bombshell. U.S. Ambassador to the European Union Gordon Sondland testified that he spoke directly with the president who told him repeatedly “No quid pro quo.”

“That’s it,” a confident Trump told The Lint Screen and reporters from less reputable media outlets. “Case closed. I said ‘no quid pro quo.’ Nothing to see here folks. The Democrats have lost.”

Trump said he doesn’t know who Sondland is.

“They tell me he’s an ambassador or something,” the president said. “I don’t know about that, but if he talked to me I guess I talked to him. And I obviously told him not to break the law. See? It just goes to show I uphold American values with everyone I meet, even total strangers. It’s called moral character, people.”

The Democrats have been clutching at straws as they try and make a case that the president tied desperately-needed military aid to Ukraine in return for an agreement to investigate political rival, Joe Biden.

“Why would I do that?” the president asked. “I don’t even know this–– what’s his name–– Joe Biden, is that it? They tell me he’s running for president or something. I don’t know about that. Is he? Who has time to watch the news when you’re running the world’s greatest country? Look, I’m too busy doing my job to bother with such things.”

Trump also claims he doesn’t know anything about Ukraine.

“They tell me it’s a country,” he said. “I don’t know, maybe it is. But why would I care about it? Ukraine is a funny name.”

The president is proud of the patriotism shown by Devin Nunes, Jim Jordan, and other brave Republicans representing him in the witch hunt Adam Schiff and his crew of dastardly Dems are running.

“Thank God for Team Trump,” the president said. “If we didn’t have them protecting us from the looney liberals and enforcing the Constitution, America would be like a third world banana republic. By the way, I’m announcing that Mike Pompeo will be stepping down as Secretary of State. He’s done a terrific job. Thanks, Mike. He’ll be replaced by Ivanka Trump, someone who knows world affairs better than anyone. She’s also very hot. Thank you, everyone,” Trump said as he boarded Helicopter One with a sheet of toilet paper stuck on the bottom of his shoe.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).