Trump Defends Disinfectant Claim; Sees Hope In Rat Poison Cure

A global pandemic might rattle some leaders, but fortunately, the United States of America has a stable genius as the helm.

At yesterday's press briefing, President Donald Trump was ridiculed by the lamestream media for his revolutionary idea that injecting disinfectants could eliminate the coronavirus. Today he doubled down.

"The fake news doesn't get it," the most powerful man in the world told The Lint Screen. "If a disinfectant kills coronavirus on countertops, why wouldn't injecting some into your body kill the disease there? That's just common sense. Your lungs will be whiter, your organs cleaner, everything gets sanitized. Like new. Springtime fresh. I've directed the medical experts to start looking into it. This could be a real game-changer. Let's start adding bleach to I.V. bags–– that's got to be good for white blood cells. I've had enough of their doom and gloom. I want answers."

Trump also stands by his claim that putting U.V. light under the skin will kill COVID-19.

"I've always had a healthy tan," he said. "I don't have coronavirus. I think that says everything."

The wartime president is getting frustrated by his "so-called medical experts."

"These people might be book smart, but they're not big thinkers. I've always been a big idea guy," he proclaimed. "I've told Fauci to start doing some studies on some other bigly ideas I've had. Like rat poison. The stuff kills rats, so wouldn't it also kill coronavirus? That's just common sense. We just have to find the right amount of rat poison. I told 'Little Tony'–– that's my nickname for Fauci–– I said, let's look into it. I think there might be something there."

Trump also sees promise in lemon juice.

"You look at a lot of kitchen cleaners, and what do they have in common? Lemons. Everything's got lemon-scent, right? So, maybe lemons are the secret to killing the 'invisible enemy'–– I came up with that nickname–– invisible enemy, everyone loves it. Hey, we don't know if lemons are the miracle cure, but they could be, so let's find out. I have a very good feeling about this. Who doesn't like lemons?"

The commander-in-chief pauses.

"Look, I'm not a doctor, but I think these ideas are certainly worth looking into. What do we have to lose? What do we have to lose?"

America's cheerleader put down his pom-poms and hung up.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).