Trump Declares War on America: "We Must Destroy Enemies of Freedom"

Now that President Donald Trump has licked the threat of COVID-19 by declaring, “It will get worse before it gets better,” he is turning his sights to an evil danger to America–– AMERICANS!!!

“Radical leftists are bad people–– very bad people,” the portly president told The Lint Screen. “They are the biggest threat we face today. Bigger than the coronavirus. I have dispatched armies of secret police to crush them. ‘Crush them like cockroaches,’ I said. It will make some good video for my campaign ads.”

Trump is fed up with liberals bellyaching.

“All Democrat leftists do is complain,” he said as White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany delivered a large Dominos stuffed-crust meat lovers supreme pizza. The president smiled as he lifted a slice. “I’m starved.”

Over the next three minutes, he ate the pizza, then licked the box bottom as V.P. Mike Pence dispensed Diet Coke down his throat from a five-gallon tank with a hose. The leader of the free world burped for forty-seconds and continued his rant.

“The problem is cities run by Democrat mayors,” he whined. “They don’t respect the flag–– the American flag or the Confederate one. They want to tear down statues of great Confederate leaders–– true patriots who fought for the right cause. And these radicals also don’t support me in trying to make America great again. I won’t stand for it. These anarchists are also spray painting bad words on federal buildings. Nasty words on our beautiful federal buildings.”

Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump arrived with a large bucket of KFC “Double-Skin Chicken,” and the president’s eyes twinkled.

“Lunch,” he said as he began gnawing chicken meat to the bone. Two minutes later, Ivanka removed the bucket of bones, and she and Jared walked to the door.

“Thanks, honey,” the prez shouted. “And wear that red teddy tonight. Daddy likes that one.”

He turned his attention back to our interview. “Now, where was I–– oh, yeah, the war. I will stop this dangerous threat to democracy and the American way of life. It’s like the caravan all over again. I won’t let it happen, and I will use the military and our entire nuclear arsenal to drive the evil liberals off the planet. We can’t have them voting in our elections.”

He burped for one-minute-eighteen-seconds.

“I am a wartime president,” he said as he told the secret service to break this reporter’s legs.

“Check and see if he has any spray paint,” he said, “then throw the bum out.”

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