Trump Declares Victory In China Trade War

President Donald J. Trump is a man of vision. The most successful businessman ever, and the best American leader in history has done it again–– he has won his trade war with China!

"President Xi of China just called me," Trump told The Lint Screen, "and he surrendered. Just like after China bombed Pearl Harbor. Xi was crying. Crying like a dog. 'You win,' Mr. President,' he said. 'I am no match for your big brain. Like everyone says, you are a stable genius. You win, President Trump, and your daughter is very hot.'"

"The Chosen One" said the American people should not watch the news or read newspapers. "The fake news media hates me. All they do is report lies. I saw a headline today claiming the Dow was down over 600 points. That's fake. Not true. The market went up 20,000 points, believe me."

"The only people telling the truth are Hannity and some of the other Fox people. Some of them are lying, though. If they say that things are bad, you know they're lying. Fake news. Things are tremendous. It's very unfair. Fox needs to do something about traitors."

Trump quickly detailed the triumphs he has achieved.

"When I took office, I was left with the mess Obama made. Horrible depression, riots, immigrants raping women and children, people committing suicide everywhere. It was American carnage. I said it would stop, and I've done that. The economy has never been stronger, and working people have never been richer. My tax cuts gave them so much money, incredible amounts of money. And if I get re-elected, I'm going to give everyone the best healthcare plan ever. Incredible plan. It will cost next to nothing, give fantastic coverage. But I'm going to make it even better. If people vote for me, I guarantee immortality. A Trump vote means you'll live forever. In fact, we might not even need healthcare. But I'll have it, just in case. We'll see. We'll see what happens."

The president is confident of his victory in 2020.

"I've been talking to people, and they tell me I already have 368 electoral college votes. Amazing success. Tremendous success. I've made America great again, now I'm going to make it even greater. So great."

The president continued talking to himself as reporters walked away.

Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).