TRUMP CLAIMS WOODWARD IMPERSONATED HIS VOICE

While the fake news media wets itself with glee over Bob Woodward’s new book Rage, the president takes down “this evil enemy of the people.”

Woodward released tapes of alleged interviews he did with President Trump back in February. On the tape, one hears the president confessing he knew COVID-19 was deadly, “more deadly than even your strenuous flus.”

“I never talked to Woodward,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I don’t even know who Bob Woodward is. I think he might be that guy who worked with Dustin Hoffman to take down Nixon with their Watergate hoax. Nixon was a great president. Very honest guy, like me. These reporters are very nasty people.”

The Woodward tapes play for the president, and he listens carefully.

“That’s interesting,” he says. “It sounds a lot like my voice, but of course, it can’t be. Impossible. I never talked to him. Woodward must have impersonated me. Faked my voice. He’s like Rich Little. It’s very unfair. I mean, what kind of maniac would lie to the American people? I would never do that. Honesty and integrity are the foundation of the Trump brand.”

On another tape, Trump calls his military generals “a bunch of pussies.”

Trump becomes animated as he hears this.

“This is obviously a hit job,” he says, waving his pinkish-orange little hands wildly in the air. “I would never use language like that. I don’t think I’ve ever said the P-word in my life. Trust me; this Woodward is impersonating me. He’s doing a hit job on Trump. Woodward hates Democracy. He’s a bad hombre.”

The president leans back in his chair and considers what he has heard.

“You know, a lot of people are saying Bob Woodward wants to kill all mothers,” he says. “They say he had mommy issues, and he wants to take it out on others. I think that’s not right. I don’t agree with that. I want to protect mothers, especially the ones in their beautiful suburbs…”

And with that, the president launched into a two-hour stump speech of crime in America and his law and order agenda, yada yada yada…

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