TRUMP CLAIMS HE WAS PROTECTING BIDEN FROM HOSTILE UKRAINE

President Donald J. Trump melts down with blinding rage when asked about the impeachment investigation of him recently launched by Congressional Democrats.

“It’s very unfair,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “Adam Schiff, ‘Shifty Shiff’ I call him, should recuse himself because he’s a suspected murderer, pedophile, kidnapper, and bank robber. A very bad man. It’s disgraceful the things he’s done. Maybe the worst human ever. Everyone says so.”

The president now denies the accusation he discussed investigating presidential candidate Joe Biden and his son Hunter with Ukraine President Zelenskyy.

"Shifty Schiff and his crazy crew have it all wrong," Trump said. "I am a very stable genius, and here's exactly what happened. I asked Zelensky to protect Joe Biden. He wanted to go after them. Ukraine was hostile. But I didn't want him to investigate him or his son. Why would I do that?" The frustrated kingpin shakes his head in disgust.

“Even if Biden and his son did do something bad–– which they probably did–– I think the American people should forgive them. Forgive and forget, I always say. That’s the Christian thing to do. I was just being a good Christian. I love the Christian god–– you know, that guy who has long hair like a hippie. The one they nailed to the cross. He was a very good guy. Great guy.”

The president is especially irate about the anonymous whistleblower.

“Who is he? Why’s he luring in the shadows? I want to know? I am the president, I won in the biggest landslide ever, and I need to know who the traitors are. And this whistleblower, ‘Blowy Blow-Blow’ I call him, he made up this outrageous lie to make me look bad. Why would I want to make poor Joe Biden and his son look bad? I like Joe. I do. Don’t forget, I’m the guy who fired James Comey because he wasn’t treating Hillary Clinton very nicely. I won’t stand for bad behavior. The whistleblower and Shifty Schiff need to be tried for treason. Everyone says so.”

The president is red-faced and looks exhausted.

“I swear, I am the most misunderstood man in the world,” he said. “All I want to do is love and serve others. Is that so wrong?”

The president excused himself “to go pray to that Christian hippie god. ‘Crossy cross man’ I call him.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).