TRUMP BLAMES HURRICANE ON WOODWARD

President Donald J. Trump today accused legendary reporter Bob Woodward of causing Hurricane Florence, expected to batter the Carolinas tomorrow or Friday.

“Woodward released his new book this week,” the griever-in-chief told The Lint Screen, “and right after he did, suddenly there’s a hurricane threatening America. A coincidence? Absolutely not. This is no coincidence, people. No coincidence!”

Trump has been enraged at the many allegations made in Woodward’s book, Fear: Trump in The White House.

“Woodward uses amomynus, anomimus, anommius, animisses — unknown sources to say very bad things about me. A bunch of lies. They’re all big lies, believe me. These lies have been swirling around and around and now they’ve formed this destructive Hurricane Florence in the Atlantic Ocean. An ocean is water. A whole lot of water. Much bigger than a puddle or a lake. Woodward is un-American and very unfair. It’s like I’ve always said, fake news is the enemy of the people.”

In Fear, Woodward details associates close to the president who said he is “an idiot” and “has the temperament of a fifth or sixth grader.” They said he is ill-suited for his job and they’ve even had to steal papers from his desk to protect him from making bad decisions that would hurt American interests.

“I know for a fact this book is all lies because my people love me. Ivanka gave me a mug that says, WORLD’S BEST BOSS!. My people would never say anything bad about their boss. They admire the tremendous job I am doing. Incredible job.” Trump thrust out his chest.

“When I took over, Obama’s economy was in shambles. Awful economy. Unemployment was the worst since the Great Depression under Obama but look at it now. I have the economy on turbo boosters, let me tell you. The best economy. I’ve cut taxes, reduced the deficit, fixed healthcare, made unemployment obsolete, and everyone is making much more money on Wall Street. I started Space Force and Leak Force, two great programs. I got peace in North Korea and the Middle East. Everyone said it couldn’t be done, but I did it. The facts speak for themselves. I am the best president ever!” Trump said as mopped his damp forehead with his long necktie.

Woodward stands by his reporting. “I have hundreds of hours of tape,” Woodward said.

“It doesn’t matter about Woodward’s book,” Trump said. “No one cares. He’s a loser, a hater. A liberal witch hunter, like Mueller. But I’ll have to clean up the mess after all Woodward’s lies become a hurricane and hurt America. But people aren’t afraid. They’re calm because of the great job I did in Puerto Rico after it was hit by a hurricane. Everyone said it was the best response ever. A-pluses, all the way around.”

Trump sat back in his chair. “I’ve told FEMA to get some extra rolls of paper towels. I’m going to clean up after Woodward and make America great again.“Trump sat back in his chair. 

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.