"Transparent" -A Memoir by Lexus Ashley Peters
"My reputation precedes me, they'll tell you I'm crazy..I swear I don't love the drama it loves me"
I thought my life would be a crown of gold, not a crown of thorns. When heaven didn't move for my own good, I didn't accept that God had other plans for me because so much of my thought process revolved around my own predefined expectations. Now this may sound too deplorable but before this memoir warms up (and I PROMISE it will) we will have to tear through some somber moments. My hope for you is that this memoir makes you ponder how you treat people and how the power of words can either hurt or heal someone. I would like to personally clear the air about myself, and hopefully turn my reputation from infamous to a heroine. Negative words hurt people, and the truth is you never know how much pain someone is carrying..so I hope you use your words for good. Now are you ready for a crazy journey into the past ten years of my life?
"Judgements always tough, especially when it comes from yourself it's twice as rough. The key to self-love is allowing you to be you, regardless of what it looks like from other peoples view. "
Lexus Ashley Peters
Judgement can be a daunting term, because no one wants to be judged but how dare people, especially people that claim, "Only God Can Judge Me" judge me? I think it's important to tell my story from the beginning not because I live in the past, but in order to understand and be present you need not be afraid of the skeletons in your closet.
The judgement started about ten years ago when I lived in a sad, shallow, empty, "paper town" called Mount Olive, New Jersey. I was bullied about everything from my designer things being claimed as fake, my teeth being too buck, my legs being too long, my hair not being straight enough, and the worst of it all my skin being too dark. Being bullied hurt so bad because I was such a passionate, funny, outgoing, tenacious girl and those were all the things that made me, well me. I also never really realized I had nice things until I got older, but I always appreciated my stuff and wondered why some people teased me so much for them. In gym class, I was afraid to change because they would call me, "Lanky Legs" and this one kid Ali would yell "JA RULEEEEE" everything I walked by. I will admit now, that one is kind of funny but when you're fifteen and finding yourself do you realize how hard that is on your self esteem?
The final straw was the time these two girls I'll call Jessica and Vanessa photoshopped a picture of my face on a body bag with the caption, "What the hell, I asked for a pink body bag". It was posted all over Facebook and I was MORTIFIED that everyone was making a mockery of me. That night I stood on a chair about to hang myself. Something stronger than me told me, you better not and that was the day I believed in God even if we disconnected a little later in the memoir. I think it is unacceptable to get bullied so bad that you want to literally kill yourself. The irony? I ran into Jessica on my first day of college at my new school and she was shook and couldn't even make eye contact with me. I never really got an honest apology from either of them, but I wish them well in life no matter what and I realized that growing up means accepting an apology you will never receive. I pray no child ever has to dim their shine in order to not be bullied and I really pray that no child contemplates suicide over someone else's lack of morals and securities.
The judgement didn't stop whats so ever, when I met my first love Dziugas Marciulaitis. He sat next to me on an airplane going to a church retreat at Purdue University in Indiana. He was younger than me, very foreign because he is Lithuanian, and the worst part was that he was two grades too old so he was a freshman and I was two grades too young so I was a senior. Of course, it goes without saying I was a teased for dating a freshman even though we are only a year and a half apart in age but oh man, did I love him. I have yet to meet someone who brought out the light in me the way he does. We were uninamously prom Queen and King without even needing the votes or title. To this day, I still think he is one of the coolest, purest, most unique persons I know but unfortunately all good things have to have a tragic ending. As we grew up a little more we began to tap into something called our egos and started treating each other poorly and God moved him away from me to California just as quick as he came into my life. "Will you take this moment and promise me this, that you'll stand by me forever, but if God forbid fate should step in an force us into a goodbye, and you have children some day..please tell them my name. Tell them how the crowds went wild, tell them how I hope they shined."
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