Phil Friedman

6 years ago · 9 min. reading time · ~10 ·

Phil blog
Transcending the Virtual World: Are We Desperate for Real Connection?

Transcending the Virtual World: Are We Desperate for Real Connection?

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Preface:  The objective of this series is not so much to debate issues among its four co-authors, but to seed engagement and conversation pertaining to the topic at hand among our readers. We, therefore, solicit your questions, comments, and criticisms. And we welcome you to the conversation.

PHIL: I think it’s fair to say that, when the four of us met face to face last summer in Port Credit, Ontario, something significant happened.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t anything that would trigger the musical theme from Three Coins In the Fountain. But it was pretty much a matter of instantaneous bonding and camaraderie.

There we were, coming together face-to-face for the first time. At least two of us ― I won’t say which two — are social introverts. Yet, there was no hint of reticence or wariness on anyone’s part. No doubt because we had been interacting online, on average, for a couple of years.

And the rest is history. Good history, if I do say so myself.

So now, here comes Sarah Elkins with an idea for a conference at which a much larger group of previously virtual connections can gather together for face-to-face engagement and to enjoy the fruits of live connection.

I find the idea very attractive. Indeed, although Sarah independently developed her concept, I made a similar suggestion a while back to beBee USA CEO, Matt Sweetwood concerning a beBee-sponsored series of live conferences to be held at various times and locations across the U.S. and Canada.

Sarah’s conference, “No Longer Virtual ”, has several novel and unique features, which readers can check out by clicking on this link.

Sarah has also explained the origin and features of NLV in a recent article, “We’re Desperate for Real Connection”, which I seriously recommend you read.

In the meantime, this is my question:

Do you think we (meaning we social media denizens) are truly desperate for live connection(s)? Are we ready to come out from behind the masks of social media persona, look people in the eyes, and discuss substantive matters? Or is the fact that we are active on social media platforms like beBee indicative of an ingrained desire to hide at arm’s length behind a computer screen and keyboard.

Well, I guess that’s really three questions.

DON: Launching an event is a daunting exercise. The logistics alone can be all consuming and then there’s the promotion, the pricing, the agenda, the extracurricular activities, the room arrangement and sorting, the hosting, the marshalling of resources, the menu planning, and retaining sufficient energy to be a vibrant host and ensure that the event comes off without a hitch and that all attendees feel that the investment of time and money was well worth it.


Although I only know her ‘socially’ it strikes me that if anyone can pull this off it is Sarah Elkins.

Back in the days before social media I worked for a giant insurance company. Part of my responsibility was the marketing and promotion of all of our division’s conferences and there were many. I worked closely with our in-house meeting planning team and there were many folks who thought they had the best job in town. They were the ones who jetted off to check locations. The perception was that they were fêted by the best hotels, treated like royalty, had their every whim catered to, and were subjected to much bowing and scraping by the various parties (hotel staff, travel agents, airlines, tour companies, local event planners, etc.).

This was far from the truth. Kevin Pashuk in a post the other day made reference to the art of sausage making and how while you might love to chomp into a big, steaming Brat you did NOT want to know how it was made. This is pretty much what the event planners job is - appear to be like an elegant swan coasting over the waters while all the time paddling like hell beneath.

Anyway, that’s part one and I wish Sarah nothing but the greatest success. It’s a bridge too far for me to travel to, but quite seriously if something like this was undertaken within a couple hundred KM of my home I would be there with bells on. Why? Because I appreciate learning about the person behind the media persona.

The Port Credit summit was a great example. Going in I did not know what to expect - a grumpy, cantankerous guy from Pompano Beach, a grouchy, prolific ad guy, and an admitted ragingly introverted IT geek. If I were promoting the event I would have been challenged to effectively convey the magic of meeting with such people!

And yet, it worked. There were common interests and fresh perspectives and that freshness has been maintained in the months since. I have found also that in the few interviews I have conducted on beBee (Pascal Derrien, Paul Walters, Aurorasa Sima) I have been afforded the opportunity to learn more about the various people who populate this world. How else would I have come upon an intriguing chap from Dublin, a writer from Bali, and a coach from Chicago. And, I am currently working on another of the series with another Floridian.

To make a long story tedious - I love the idea of what Sarah is undertaking and wish her the greatest of success. It requires real dedication and focus. If she gets the take-up on it, I am sure it will be a rich experience for the lucky folks able to attend.

Meeting in 3-D rocks, and we need more of it. Too often social media does not allow for nuance and misunderstanding arise which wouldn’t if we were face to face.


Before Writing Comes Thinking
JIM: Here’s the thing. To me, social media is kind of like a business networking group. You chat with everybody, and through that process, you hone in on a few people that you would like to have a better relationship with.

For me, these are generally the people who are not, as you so eloquently put it, possessed of “an ingrained desire to hide at arm’s length behind a computer screen and keyboard”. Raging introverts or raging extroverts, it matters not. People are people, and human affinity is something, to me is more driven by instinct than anything else.

Certainly, there are a lot of people who would prefer to just remain un-met, but this may have more to do with the idea that they might not be who they seem to be. I am personally aware of a number of people who are like that. These are people who seem to be the real deal when you first encounter them, but then the more you figure out about them the more you realize that they are actually playing out some sort of agenda or hustle or, even worse, a psychosis.

I really think that a lot of people out there are a bit gun shy about deepening relationships for fear of being hustled or conned or made to feel very uncomfortable somehow. And I don’t blame them.

As for throwing a big meet and greet, well that’s all well and good, but asking people to fly across the country to do it, may very well be asking too much from a lot of people, especially those with jobs and responsibilities that keep them around their home.

There there’s a lady know on Facebook named Randi Chicovsky, who is an old friend from my drinking days, who organized a couple of very successful get-togethers of her Facebook friends. I went to one of them at a downtown hotel and we had a hell of a good time. There were about 60 people there and I was FB friends with about half of them. But I believe that it was only successful because it was local.

The reason I believe this is that I did an invite for her and that was a big part of the reason she got such a good response.

Over the years, I have gotten together with at least a couple dozen Facebook, LinkedIn and beBee friends and it’s been very pleasant. But I didn’t leave the country to do it. In fact I didn’t even leave the GTA (Greater Toronto Area)

I think the world of Sarah, but honestly, for me, coffee and a Skype conversation is just fine and dandy. Robert Wright and I have become very good friends that way. And FaceTime is the only way I get to see my old pal Bill Tibbles, because he moved to Fergus and hates coming to Toronto.

In two weeks, I’ll be in the same situation. If you want to meet up for coffee with me, get your coffee and crank up the laptop.

Text Copyright © 2016 by Phil Friedman — All Rights Reserved
Image Credits: Phil Friedman, FreeDigitalPhotos net. and Googlelmages com
KEVIN: There is an advantage in going last, but also the problem that I may repeat some good points. I agree with all of you so far, even though you don’t agree with each other.

We all agree that meeting someone face to face actually increases our engagement with them online. In an earlier life, I was part of team building a new medical school based on students and teachers being 800 miles apart in two campuses. Video conferencing was used extensively to connect the classrooms. Video conferencing was also used to conduct all the administrative work since staff and teachers were also distributed between the two campus. It turned out successful for a number of reasons, but one in particular.

We had a practice that before we relied on a virtual connection, we had staff and students meet face to face at the beginning of their time with the school. Standing in the same room and breathing the same air as another person seemed to be the secret sauce of (in this case) a professional relationship.

Spring forward to today. Social Media still has its promise of building genuine relationships. For the most part, it still fails, and is equivalent to the ‘snake oil’ that was purveyed to be the cure for all that ails ya’.

I am of the firm opinion that online-only connections have definite limitations.

As all four of us can personally attest, connecting in person has added a dimension to our conversation that is missing from those we haven’t met. (My only regret is that we kept the beverages somewhat tame that day since I had to go back to work after lunch, but I digress).

So… it would appear that all of us are in agreement with Sarah that bees need to get together. It appears that scope and scale of the get-togethers may be where we differ.

Sarah’s event sounds wonderful, and if it was in my geographic region, then it would be much easier to attend. For some of us, time away from work is a precious commodity. For others, travel is a challenge.

Sarah dreams big and sees the innate desire for community we all share, which is why we like her so much… but logistically, attending an event to strengthen my online relationships is superseded by so many other things. I can get away for coffee, or a lunch or an evening to meet new online friends, but traveling far probably won’t happen.

For those readers in the Atlanta area, or those who have the time and resources... by all means block your calendars for this event.

Perhaps a national get together will be practical for the highly-engaged community once beBee is a bit more mature, but at this time, I support Jim’s model of keeping it simple, keeping it local, and keeping it real.




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PHIL: Okay, it falls to me to wrap up. Which isn’t easy because what do you reply, for example, when Jimmy-bob says he won’t take his duff 50 km to the halfway point between Toronto and Fergus, Ontario? Ah… let’s just let that one go.

Seriously, I think we’re all agreed that live, face-to-face connection adds a positive facet to social media networking. And it seems that the issue becomes the matter of cost/benefit ratio, where the cost is in terms of both time and money.

Keep in mind that Sarah’s upcoming No Longer Virtual conference is a prototype or pilot. If successful, the plan is to follow this first NLV conference with a series of conferences staged serially in major cities across the country. The idea being to make subsequent meetings more local and more easily accessible.

Bottom line is you must start somewhere, and Atlanta is a good place. Among the easiest and least expensive places in the U.S. to reach from other major cities. Not to mention with reasonably decent weather in February.

However, notwithstanding all that, the question remains whether a significant percentage of social media users even want to transcend the virtual world ― in which they can claim and represent themselves to be just about whatever strikes their fancy at the time. Social media where they can self-declare as gurus, thought leaders, disruptors, poohbahs, ninjas, even little green men from Mars.

You can tell a lot about someone by looking them in the eye. But traveling across large distances to do so is expensive in time and dollars.

Granted, you can’t tell as much by speaking face-to-face via Skype or other video conferencing. But you can do a lot better than connecting purely through the written word. For part of knowing someone is seeing how they react spontaneously. And the cost of video conferencing is more reasonable than travel.

To my mind, Kevin is spot on when he suggests combining the two. A face-to-face followed up longer-term with video conferencing. Certainly, we’ll see what happens to the connections between those who attend NLV, then stay in touch later by Skype.

Which brings to mind the following suggestion: Why not arrange to allow people to attend NLV or similar conferences via real-time video, at a nominal remote-registration price? The additional participation could very well liven up proceedings, not to mention aid in supporting the cost of producing the event. I tend to think it would be a win all around.

Author's Notes:  You are invited to post questions about the upcoming No Longer Virtual conference in the comment thread here. Those questions will be happily answered by conference owner and organizer, Sarah Elkins.

If you found this post interesting and worthwhile and would like to receive notifications of my writings on a regular basis, click the [FOLLOW] button on my beBee profile. Better yet, elect there to follow my blog by email. As a writer-friend of mine says, you can always change your mind later.

As well, your comments, likes, and shares are always welcome, whether you agree with what we've said or not.

If you're interested in issues pertaining to social media,  you might be interested in reading my "beBee vs  beBee" series:

"Affinity Networking Is On the Line" (#1)

"I Wish, I Wish ... for a Perfect Publisher" (#2)

"How Do You Really Build Engagement?" (#3)

"With a Little Help for My Friends"  (#4)

" Differentiation Thru Conversation: BeBee and the Quest for Market Share" (#5)

About me, Phil FriedmanWith 30 some years background in the marine industry, I've worn numerous hats — as a yacht designer, boat builder, marine operations and business manager, marine industry consultant, marine marketing and communications specialist, yachting magazine writer and editor, yacht surveyor, and marine industry educator. I am also trained and experienced in interest-based negotiation and mediation.

In a previous life, I was formally trained as an academic philosopher and taught logic and philosophy at university.

Before writing comes thinking.  ( The optional-to-read pitch) :  

As a professional writer, editor, university educator, and speaker, with more than 1,000 print and digital publications, I've recently launched an online program for enhancing your expository writing: learn2engage — With Confidence. My mission is to help writers and would-be writers improve their thought and writing, master the logic of discussion, and strengthen their ability to deal with disagreement... which I have found to be the natural precursor to improved writing.


To schedule an appointment for a free 1/2-hour consult or to sit in on one of our online group sessions, email: I look forward to speaking with you soon. 




Phil Friedman

6 years ago #39

Just can't stop being me, Kevin. Even if it pisses off some people. And anyway, I would have hot-tubbed with Sophia Loren even when she was a great grandmother. Cheers!

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #38

Just can't stop being me, Kevin. Even if it pisses off some very unimportant people. Cheers!

Kevin Pashuk

6 years ago #37

"hot-tubbing with your mother's elderly library group friend" Thanks Phil... now I cannot unsee that mental image. Sheesh.

Sarah Elkins

6 years ago #36

What do you think? Are you ready for face-to-face? I am!

Sarah Elkins

6 years ago #35

Phil Friedman - not yet. I'm the kind of friend who hears a good idea and jumps into action, sometimes prematurely. But I jump in because that's the way I roll. Others talk about things but don't act. It's diversity, yes, but sometimes it leaves your friends hanging...

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #34

Sarah, I think there is room for both, although in some circumstances a "local" chapter would be too small. When a group has about a hundred or more members, there is usually sufficient diversity to keep things interesting. But too small makes it feel like hot-tubbing with your mother's elderly library group friend. The magic of social media resides in the potential to connect a worldwide. So being able to draw an international group to a conference such as NLV is a big plus. Still, we have to recognize that a conference held in LA will draw more west coasters than one in FL. I hope this piece is stimulating some queries.

Wayne Yoshida

6 years ago #33

Sarah - Nice phrase/idea -- "never been to a conference like this, which is why I believe so strongly in the concept"

Sarah Elkins

6 years ago #32

I love the idea of local chapters. Part of the reason for NLV, though, is that our networks span across continents and oceans! If we had a local chapter here in Montana, I'd end up with the people I already know and see regularly. The beauty of NLV in Atlanta is that people are coming from all over the world to meet and learn from each other face-to-face.

Sarah Elkins

6 years ago #31

I just realized I didn't address the word desperate in my response to your thoughtful comment. I do believe many are desperate for real connection. Maybe not all of us, some of us are really good at making connections in real life and online. There are many in our networks who struggle with a balance, though, those who would love to connect for real, but are too comfortable sitting behind the screen to step out. As a matter of fact, there have been some major studies connecting depression with extensive social media use: This is why No Longer Virtual is so important, among other reasons. Meeting each other face-to-face forces us to see each other as real people, with real struggles and experiences. As long as we stay behind our screens, we can pretend that what we say here has no impact on other people's lives. But you and I know that's just not the case.

Sarah Elkins

6 years ago #30

Thanks for the comment, Wayne. I really considered a meet-up style, but realized two things: Very few of us can take the time and money to travel somewhere for a meet-up. A conference, however, can be worth the investment of time and money, especially if the topics are relevant. Some people were able to sell the idea to their companies, and others will be able to write-off the investment as a professional expense. As Phil Friedman mentioned a few times, meeting face-to-face provides incredible opportunity to deepen relationships (or the opposite, which is also nice to know before you make a time/money investment.) One of the things that I find disturbing is the disconnect between some online vs. offline personalities. I've met a handful of people face-to-face that simply don't match up with what they're putting out here on social media platforms - and let's just not get into dating sites! The idea for NLV started as a way to meet my closest network members face-to-face, and then became something much stronger: It's a different kind of conference, built with a solid curriculum of relevant topics, with no keynote speakers, and co-facilitated sessions that build off of each other. I've never been to a conference like this, which is why I believe so strongly in the concept.

Sarah Elkins

6 years ago #29

You will be welcome, Donna-Luisa Eversley, no need for the sign. Just have the front desk staff call me and I'll buy you a glass of wine.

don kerr

6 years ago #28

I too am sharing this all over the map vs. posting under my own banner simply for the reason that Kevin Pashuk

Sarah Elkins

6 years ago #27

Yes! beBee will see serious differentiation by participating in this concept.

Sarah Elkins

6 years ago #26

Luckily, Randy Keho, there will only be 50 people, and I'll bring reinforcements. Seriously, though, No Longer Virtual isn't just about meeting face-to-face. There is a major professional development component I think many of these comments are missing. I've been to plenty of conferences as a speaker and as a guest, and none have ever had a cohesive curriculum. The conference structure is an alternative to the traditional conference, making it unique not only by it's focus on leveraging our online networks, but by structuring the conference to leverage those valuable side-conversations we get so much value out of at traditional conferences.

Milos Djukic

6 years ago #25

Very true Sarah Elkins.

Sarah Elkins

6 years ago #24

Agree. Our online connections are only as strong as the effort we put into them. And starting with the online relationships is terrific in order to get at that diversity brought up in his comment. I know people have a tendency to surround themselves with like-minded folks, but that doesn't mean they agree on everything, right?

Sarah Elkins

6 years ago #23

Framework is right, Milos Djukic, and the idea of having a real curriculum, as opposed to a simple meetup, for the meeting is part of that framework.

Javier 🐝 CR

6 years ago #22

Phil Friedman it sounds great. We will be able to do and promote a lot of events after raising funds in the US. Meanwhile we do our best without resources :)

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #21

Thank you, Lloyd, for saying so... And for joining the conversation. I personally would love to see beBee Live local chapters grow up. What a differentiating twist that would be. Cheers!

Harvey Lloyd

6 years ago #20

Reading this i would have to say that i think Don nailed it. Events like these would be difficult to get together and execute. It appears the four of you were able to make it happen on a small scale and it worked. Given today's environment, families, professional obligations and other schedule shrinking activities, i would think, going from keyboard to an event would need to hold some serious value in the mind of the attendee. The cost and schedule hanging in the balance i could see the "local chapter" aspect working well. Good discussion topic of now closing the circle, looping back, face to face. Appreciate ya'll taking the time to discuss the topic.

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #19

It's just like you, Wayne, to bring an overabundance of common sense to the party. :-) I agree that "desperate" may involve some overstatement -- which I lay on Sarah's title for her article. But consider that, if you lived in the wilds of Montana, spent most of your time killing and skinning game for your meals, chopping wood for your stove, and melting snow for water to drink, you might be "desperate" for some live connections, as well. Okay, okay, just kidding. Seriously, though, you make a good point. There are numbers of national and international organizations which establish local chapters that meet locally regularly for social networking and just for sociability. Car clubs are a good example. At one time I belonged to the Chicago Area chapter of the International Austin Healey Owners Club, which would meet at a restaurant once a month in the evening to talk about sports cars and break bread together. It was a perfect example of affinity networking long before microcomputers, let alone social media. And maybe with an international organization such as beBee as a base and conduit, local Live Hives could be established in a similar fashion. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Wayne Yoshida

6 years ago #18

Great discussion. But I think the word "desperate" is a little strong. I have a perfect analogy for this "virtual vs real" meetings - ham radio. Playing around with two-way radios - using Morse Code or voice - might be even more virtual than today's social media. And for most folks on the radio, the desire to meet in person is strong. But when "meeting" people over the radio, I learned a long time ago to never make judgments, good or bad. Using machines to communicate cannot provide nuances such as tone of voice and other things. I like this aspect because talking over the air can break all barriers - including age, gender, race and political affiliation. I would enjoy a 3D meeting. Is there a way to search for Bees based on city or ZIP/Postal Code? For the NLV event, it looks interesting and the topics on the agenda look great. I hope this idea spreads. Has anyone gone to the Social Media Marketing World? And, yes, I asked those guys if they are aware of beBee. Hopefully, they are - or will soon . . . If this would be on the West Coast (think about the winter weather over here vs over there) - it might be more reasonable. But maybe we are making this too complicated. Why not simply get a place to meet, and just talk to each other in person? If the gathering is local, like Kevin says - just meet for a quick lunch or something. Where are the Orange County / Southern Calif. Bees?

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #17

That is a lot, Donna-Luisa. I think Sarah's choice of Atlanta for the first NLV conference is a good one. You can fly from Miami or Fort Lauderdale to Atlanta for under %150 round trip. Or Chicago to Atlanta round-trip for less than $200 Or NYC/NJ for under $200 return. Which puts the package cost under $1K. How much under depends on several factors. If two people register at the same time, under a newly announced "buddy" registration package both receive a 20% discount. And if two people share a twin or queen two-bed room, they can cut the already reasonable room cost in half. Unfortunately, even the lowest amount.that could be worked out might still be too much, or the travel time too long, Which is why I've suggested to Sarah that she consider adding "remote registration" which for a modest registration fee would allow someone to follow the proceedings real time via video conferencing. Thanks, D-L. You are the best. and Cheers!

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #16

in the words of Bob Marley, be happy, don't worry, mon. Now, if I could only say it as my Trinidadian friends like Richard Hadeed or Donna-Luisa Eversley do, all would be well in the world. Cheers!

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #15

Franci, you are correct. I think it's fair to say that we use virtual connection because it enables us to overcome the limitations of distance and time in the service of building worldwide networks. But that does not mean virtuality per se is preferable. You don't for example text the person sitting next to you -- at least not if you're past your teen years. Live is better when you can manage it. I think that is part is Sarah's message. Cheers!

Franci 🐝Eugenia Hoffman

6 years ago #14

I think it's a great idea for those that are interested. It's a way to build stronger relationships, personally and professionally.

Jim Murray

6 years ago #13

They're all virtual until they are live.

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #12

paying work is good too, Jim. But I betcha its for live, not virtual people. :-)

Jim Murray

6 years ago #11

I'll post mine tomorrow AM. Still packing and doing actual paying work.

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #10

you make a great point, Milos. We need, I think, to keep in mind that social media is a tool, a bridge, if you prefer, between us. It is not an end in itself.thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing. Cheers!

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #9

sharing is good, too, Kevin. As to sympathy for Jim's wife, she already had mine, long before the move. Cheers!

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #8

I agree, Pascal. My experience is that you can seek connection in the virtual world, but if you want to do serious business in any sector outside the purely digital world, you eventually have to come out of the virtual closet and interact directly with prospects and clients. Thanks for reading and commenting. Cheers!

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #7

I share your view to a large extent, Randy, concerning the risk involved in bringing it off. But regarding regional events, every location is "regional"., and you have to start somewhere. I believe beBee should consider stepping up as an event sponsor. My understanding is that most of the hard work has been completed and registrations have started coming in. My anticipation is that for two or three thousand dollars, beBee could seriously bolster the potential for a successful event, and buy itself a pile of valuable public relations notice. Because the virtual-goes-live is a great story. Some PR pros like John White, MBA. Cheers!

Kevin Pashuk

6 years ago #6

I'm (overshaing) this post rather than repost it under my moniker to keep the comment stream intact. Thanks Phil Friedman for the discussion during busy times, house moves, and winter man-colds (our condolences to your poor wife).

Randy Keho

6 years ago #5

Apparently, Sarah Elkins has a death wish. Has she ever seen footage from a Comic Con? Personally, I would truly enjoy meeting and interacting with a swarm of bees all at one hive. However, I believe the time and travel commitments would severely limit attendance. And, as Phil asks, are we that desperate for a real connection? I think it would be neat, but certainly not necessary. Nonetheless, I'd be interested in a regional gathering.

Pascal Derrien

6 years ago #4

I have been managing a large business network here in Ireland we did a couple of conferences, books, start up competitions and the interaction with a purpose or an agenda, it has always been welcomed, we managed to get mind blowing speakers who pushed the networking aspect just beyond the meet and greet. I have made long lasting friends, been invited to talks even find my way sitting at the government table discussing FDI, diasporas integration thru business and it would not have been possible without the Social media tool who gave me a platform. I meet up regularly people which I have bumped into on LI. It s up to you to use the tool to make something tangible out of your virtual world

Milos Djukic

6 years ago #3

Each of these connections is our opportunity to create possibilities for future online or real life business advancement. Yet there must be a framework for cooperation and real motivation. Friendship is more than online writing. That's just the beginning.

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #2

Sarah Elkins, this 4SW is primarily about your No Longer Virtual conference upcoming in Atlanta, GA. You are more than welcome to answer the questions about the conference that will inevitably appear here in the comment thread. Cheers!

Phil Friedman

6 years ago #1

Jim Murray, have published my version of Four Strong Winds. Will watch for you guys to publish as well. Cheers!

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