Tolerance Isn't Nearly Enough

This post was originally published on LinkedIn in March, 2015. It's being re-posted here on beBee as a complementary post to Kevin Pashuk's thought-provoking piece, Ponderings on Tolerance.

It's tricky to raise Jewish children in a small city in Montana. There's no synagogue here, unless you count the one built in 1890 that is now home to the Catholic Diocese offices. Our small Jewish community of around 30 families is pretty active, with a traveling Rabbi visiting about once each month and a variety of activities and workshops planned across the state throughout the year. Still, our two boys were the only Jewish children in their school for a few years, and two of just a handful in other years.

When my siblings and I were in elementary school, our mother would come to each classroom in December with a huge bowl of latke batter (potato pancakes, similar to hash browns), a large electric frying pan, and the toppings: applesauce and sour cream. Our mother would make a latke for each student while teaching the class about Hanukkah.

When our older son was in kindergarten, I realized why my mother went to so much trouble. It's not just about helping our own children feel more secure in their unique identities. It's not just about balancing the season for children who do not celebrate Christmas. It's about exposing children to something different. That was definitely part of my motivation. If I knew more about other cultural celebrations that time of year, I would share those, too; I know a lot about Hanukkah, and that's what I brought to the students each year.

When I speak to students about Hanukkah every year, I begin the conversation by asking about food they like:

Does anyone here like sushi? How about tacos? Who here likes pasta?

I get a lot of hand-raising for tacos and pasta, a few for sushi. Next I ask:

How would you like to eat the same type of food for every meal, every day of the week, every week of the year? What if I told you only hamburgers, a real American food, are now available and you can no longer eat tacos or pizza or sushi?

The students look at me like I stepped off a spaceship from Mars. Why? What does this have to do with Hanukkah?

People all over the world eat a lot of different kinds of food and they celebrate different holidays. Believe it or not, not EVERYONE celebrates Christmas. And that's ok because if everyone ate the same kind of food and celebrated the same holidays and used the same language, the world would be one very boring place, right?

All students, no matter what grade, enthusiastically agree with that statement. I share with them that tolerance is a good place to start, but it's not enough. Tolerance means you're okay with others, as long as they keep their differences out of your sight. What we need is to appreciate those differences and recognize the beauty and strength those differences bring to our world. That doesn't mean condoning behavior that is damaging or dangerous to others, it means recognizing that we have limited experience and our perceptions are created in a narrow view sometimes.

Ask questions; learn about other cultures and other people. Learning about being Jewish doesn't make you Jewish any more than learning about fish makes you a salmon. Learning about another culture can give you things to think about and may change your view of the world.

Then I tell them a very short version of the Hanukkah story, give them each a plastic dreidel (spinning top for a Hanukkah game), and a miniature jelly doughnut (Israel's Hanukkah treat) made especially for the occasion by my favorite bakery in town. I avoid discussion of religion, and try to keep it about the cultural celebration of the holiday.

I'm asked a few times each year to share this perspective, what it's like to be Jewish in a small, mostly white, Christian town. When I told someone about my recent opportunity to present this perspective to a local church of Unitarian Universalists, my colleague shrugged dismissively: "Why does it even matter?"

It matters because people are curious - and curiosity is good! The more we learn about each other, the more questions we ask, the more we understand what each person brings to the table and the better our solutions to solve real problems like hate, violence, and hunger.

I'll keep sharing my perspective and learning about others for as long as it takes to break this cycle of ignorance and hate. I'll keep telling kids that hate is the only bad word in our vocabulary because hate leads to violence, and hate is the one word that describes pure, willful ignorance.

Now it's your turn: Do you tolerate differences? Or do you value them?

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