The Feeling of False: From False Eyelashes to False Co-Workers

False is a funny word. Just the word false itself.

False eyelashes. False Notes. False Co-Workers. False Friends.

Someone says, “This is a True or False test.”

And when you hear the word true, it kind of resonates with you because you want to be true, true to your word, tell the truth, etc.

Anything true just sounds good.

Like true love, right?

But False? Not so much. False is like, I don’t know, you could have leprosy or something. You don’t want to be false, or get the WRONG answer. It’s like a death sentence.

You don’t want to be anywhere near FALSE.

Your boss or senior approaches you, bringing your proposal with him. He comes up to you and says, “Great report except your numbers for the 3rd quarter were false.”

Which do you remember? That it was a “great report” or that “your numbers for the 3rd quarter were false?”

Right.

Most likely the latter. Why, if it was a “great report?”

Ummmmm… did I say it was like having leprosy or something?

Here’s the deal:

False sticks.

Because false is visceral.

It’s like someone saying, “You’re late!” Ooookaaay...you know you are...but the phrase “You’re late!” comes across like you’ve got scurvy.

False is scurvy + leprosy.  You just don’t want to be associated with it.

“Jason, Rebecca reported that she saw you falsifying your time card twice this week.”

“Whaaaatttt?? That’s bullshit! She’s just upset I got a bonus and she didn’t.”

Ummmm...Are those leper scabs on Jason’s time card hand?

False is basically saying “Liar, liar, pants on fire. Your nose is longer than a telephone wire.”

We didn’t like hearing that as kids, and when HR calls you out on it, they don’t say it so sing-songy.

The Problem With False:

Let’s take a look at some examples of false and see how they feel to you.

First, a trip back to your teens....

Back when I was in high school, I recall the first time I went out with a girl who was wearing false eyelashes. Don’t get me wrong, she looked great. Especially her eyes. But I didn’t really know what was different until I was up real close.

Like kissing close.

And honestly, I had really very little attention on them because, ummmm…I was all amped up going in for the kiss.

But my teenage curiosity kicked in and I asked her, “Are those your eyelashes?” She laughed like young girls do with the innocence and fun of the moment. She turned red, nervously giggled and said,

“No, they’re fake eyelashes!”

And you know, I didn’t care one bit. She looked great.

Now, that’s a definition of false that everyone most likely understands.

No harm, no foul, right?

And what about a false note? You’ve heard this, right? You listened to your son or daughter practicing the piano and they hit a false note and the minute they hit it, they knew it. You knew it too. If it was a recital, you just smiled and mentally encouraged them to continue to play. In fact, you knew that it could be devastating to them if their attention stuck on it, so you willed all your love to them in that moment because why?

Because the false note was not what their recital was about.

It was about their courage to put themselves out there and play.

But again, no harm no foul, right?

I mean even if you hit the wrong note on your piano, guitar or saxophone, it’s not like it caused anyone any harm or trouble.

Life goes on.

But now we come to false co-workers and false friends.

What in the name of jumping jackrabbits are false co-workers and false friends?

Well, you live and work with them, so you might want to buckle up for this part.

And listen. We’re not talking about phony co-workers. You know, like posers and Kardashian wannabes.

Phony is...well...phony. You can see right through them.

A false co-worker or false friend is someone you often cannot see, let alone see through.

You can be Joe Gibbs from CSI, Columbo, and Sherlock Holmes all rolled into one, and you’re going to have a problem with these guys.

You know what I’m talking about.

It’s like you know it, but you don’t want to know it, right?

Because hello...they’re “your friend.”

It’s like a bad false eyelash sticking out just a tad. You smile at your girlfriend and you notice it’s coming off slightly at the edge.

You can’t ignore it.

So while having dinner you lean over and whisper this to her.

And she’ll thank you and fix it when she goes to the powder room.

But a false co-worker or false friend?

They work with you or go have drinks with you after work and then out of the blue they say something that hit’s you, kind of like the false note. You notice it immediately and laugh as you take a hit from your Heineken. And as your ice cold beer hits your palette, your analytical mind goes back on duty because that was an incoming.

These false co-workers say something about how the “team” has some concern about your handling this high profile client. What initially comes out of their mouth sounds like positive company banter, but as their cynical remarks begin to hit you like poison-tipped darts, you’ve become disturbingly aware that your nose is bleeding.

And they just look at you and smile.

You reach up in semi-shock to see if it really is blood coming out of your nose as they interject with a cold and creepy smile saying,

“Need a Kleenex there, John?”

You look at them without wavering but your inner Chernobyl Radiation Siren is blaring.

Something is very wrong here.

Because….ummmm...they’re “your friend.”

But something doesn’t sit right with you about them.

It’s this nagging thing.

It’s nagging because you can feel it but you cannot see it.

It’s like fear. You ever had that feeling while you’re alone in your home at night when it felt like someone else was in your house too? You stopped and stood dead-still. Your heart was beating so hard on the inside of your chest you were willing your heart to shut-the-fuck-up because you thought this other person in the house would hear it.

Fear is palpable.

False is palpable.

But sight? It’s not an emotion.

It’s a perception channel.

You can see the false eyelash and hear the false note.

You know what those things are. Your DNA recognition software does one of those Mission Impossible retinal scans and tells you:

All is good in Mayberry.

But then you hear and see your friend Amy smiling at you and telling you about this “conversation” she had with your boss. She’s highlighting certain parts of this “conversation” with some seemingly subtle but pointed criticism. You look at her directly to observe what the hell is going on here?

As she directs her pointed dialogue at you, you get this queasy feeling and notice a tiny sharp pain in your lower back. She stops talking and smiles as she slowly pushes her knife blade into your fifth vertebrae.

You may think I’m being a bit melodramatic here.

Well, if you’re not out there pushing the envelope, breaking new ground and putting your truth on the line, it will just be melodrama to you.

But for those of you who are continuously pushing the envelope and are “going where no man has gone before,” you will read that above paragraph like some kind of Captains Log, Star Date 2017.

And listen. I’m betting anyone reading this knows this feeling of being stabbed in the back. Even though you have never been actually stabbed in the back, somewhere in the deep recesses of your ancient DNA, you know this feeling.

And sometimes you will even say, “I felt John stabbed me in the back.”

Scuze me? Is that the DNA Law & Order Treachery Unit calling you on your cell phone?

I’d answer that call.

Don’t let that one go to voicemail.

Amy, who’s dressed to the nines, walks closer to you and makes sure you hear her stilettos on the marble floor as she punctuates her “concern” about how you’re handling this high profile client.

You become acutely aware that your adrenals did not eat eggs this morning, but instead downed a shot of espresso and ate a bowl of Speed Flakes. Your senses are on full alert. You look at Amy and smile, acknowledging the added sound of effects of Amy’s stilettos.

“Good one, Ames,” you think to yourself.

You know she’s moving in for the kill.  

“Moving in for the kill?” Amy? The Project I/C you oversee?

Yes. Yes. and Yes.

Your adrenals send you an Emergency text to your already amped up brain.

WARNING: YOU ARE AT DEFCON 5. EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY.

DEFCON 5? Seriously? 

Seriously.

Your own awareness has now become super sharp. Because deep down inside that truth strand of DNA, there’s been a radiation leak as those sirens blare.

And you observe Amy is all cool and shit.

Yet, every one of your cells is putting on those white radiation hard hats and running out of that place like they’re going to turn into skeletons before they reach the Exit doors.

Did I say you don’t want to be anywhere near false?

Listen: The Amys and Johns or Beths or Bobs are out there in your work space or broadly in your life. They’re a fellow sales executive. They’re on your project team. They’re right there in your marketing department. They are right up close and personal.

And they are as false as my girlfriend’s eyelashes.

You can sense it.

Unfortunately they don’t have that Friday the 13th Jason Horror Hockey Mask on. Nah. The creepiness with Jason isn’t his disguise.

It’s when you don’t know where he is in your house.

But you can feel the treachery.

Because that’s what their disguise is.

And the reason it creeps you out is Trust and Treachery are not a cartoon like Tom & Jerry.

Trust is what you put into your colleagues and friends.

Treachery is what they take out of you.

And because they are so well disguised as “your friend,” you don’t feel their knife until they ease it out of your lower back, and then laugh heartily as they hold it up and show you your bloody spleen wrapped around the blade.

"Need an ambulance there, John?”

Ambulances and medics couldn’t save Martin Luther King or John F. Kennedy.

The speed of the bullet from a high powered rifle travels faster than the speed of sound.

So the bullet hits the target and then you hear the crack of the rifle.

They never saw it or heard it coming.

The First Step To Handle Falseness:

Depending on your own experience, confronting and handling these false co-workers and false friends will be different for each person.

But the first step is unequivocally that you must get your confront up on these guys. False eyelashes are easy. With false notes, you grimace. False alarms are just annoying. Your grandfather taking out his false teeth in front of you when you were ten...well...that is crazy-creepy and you don’t want to confront that either. Like your grandfather just turned into a Stephen King character and you think he’s just the grossest Uncle ever.

But, if you inspect your life, you will find:

The situations and people you find the toughest to deal with are the situations and people you have the most difficulty confronting.

The definition of confront is “to face.” Its roots are from the 16th Century where one would “face the enemy.”

Like that is an easy thing, right? At least you knew who the enemy was! They actually were outside the castle walls.

But what if they’re right there in your team meeting or executive conference? As you look around the conference table, which guy in the Brooks Brothers suit or woman in the Vera Wang business suit is it?

The fact is I’ll bet you could look around that conference table and you would know which one you thought was trying to undermine what you are doing.

But knowing and confronting are different birds.

Know is a noun. Confront is a verb.

Yeah, that’s right. You have to take what you know, and do something about it. You have to take action.

And believe it or not these false co-workers are actually betting you don’t have the cojones to verb them out.

See, they are so covert, they think if you call them out or bring up their conduct, you will be made to look like a fool.

And you know, you don’t want to look like a fool, right?

I mean not today. Not when you’ve been chartered to close this high profile account, right? As you peruse the room and you know who’s telepathically throwing these poisoned-darts at you, you have to put that aside, right?

Well, that’s why these guys get that close to you and end up sabotaging your dreams and goals.

You never faced the enemy.

So now they're in your boardroom.

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