Student Crushed By Evil Professor

Ambien University, located in the pastoral setting of central Vermont, is a liberal arts school with a proud reputation for educating free thinking, well-rounded students. “My parents are paying like $60,000 a year to send me here,” a distraught Ms. Davendale told The Lint Screen. “They are not paying for teachers to terrorize me and make as me anxious as a cat in the middle of the ocean.”

The incident that traumatized the 21-year-old Junior majoring in “Rational Reasoning In Children’s Literature” occurred on November 28 in her “Philosophical Comprehension Of Main Character Motivations And Psychological Underpinnings II” class taught by Dr. Felinbrowe. The tenured professor recounts what happened.

“My lecture that day was on Humpty Dumpty, a popular character with many young readers. I’ve written papers on him, so I know the source material well. I began the class by reading from the original text, and when I got to the section about Humpty Dumpty having a great fall, Celia became apoplectic. She began shouting at me, ‘How could you?! Did he die? Oh, my God, he was an egg! A big egg, it had to have an ugly ending!’ She threw her chair at me and ran out of the classroom sobbing uncontrollably. I was stunned.”

Ms. Davendale immediately contacted an attorney and filed a lawsuit against the University for employing a professor “who endangered my life and mental well-being.”

The student spoke between sobs, “A university is supposed to be a safe space for students. An incubator of protection and nurturing comfort. The fact that Professor Felinbrowe began a lecture about violence without any trigger warnings is absolutely unconscionable. It’s like going to the animal shelter and being forced to watch some maniac kill innocent puppies and kittens. It’s not right!”

The student has undergone counseling to help her get through this rough patch, and Prof. Felinbrowe has been suspended until the court case is resolved. There are no reports from the hospital caring for the injured Mr. Dumpty.

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of Ames Scullin O’Haire Advertising (ASO), and has created campaigns helping Georgia Aquarium, The Coca-Cola Co., UPS, Golf Pride Golf Grips, Mitsubishi Electric, Delhaize America, Georgia Natural Gas, Mellow Mushroom and more.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).