Steve Mnuchin Explains Trump 2.0

In the last couple of days, you may have noticed a new president of the United States–– one who is somber and appears concerned about humanity. This change in attitude didn't happen by accident.

"We conducted some focus groups," explains Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, "and we found people didn't like the idea of an unknown virus creating health hazards and death, so we consulted with President Trump. He doesn't want his base dying before November, so he said we should do something drastic."

That something involved a major change in Trump's behavior.

"Months ago, the president called coronavirus a hoax," Mnuchin said. "And back then, it was. A hoax the Chinese and Democrats made trying to whip Americans into a snit. He called it a hoax and ignored it. Then, he saw people were dying in China, so the president shut down Chinese people from coming here. It was a decision even liberals liked. But coronavirus still wasn't that big a deal. It was someone else's problem on the other side of the world."

Mnuchin recounts one of the superhuman powers of Donald J. Trump.

"The president has a great gut feel, and he had a hunch this coronavirus was nothing to worry about. It was all going to work out very well for us. But the fake news media just wouldn't let the story go. They started whipping the thing into a pandemic. That got the president's attention, and he made Mike Pence the face of fixing it. And to make Americans feel safe, he said we only had 15 cases and that would soon be down to only 5 cases, then 3, and eventually zero. He said anyone who wanted a test could get one, no need to worry. His gut was telling him we'd have a very good result. But then everything changed."

The ladykiller Treasury Secretary said the virus suddenly posed a larger threat than anyone thought. That's when the president lept into action.

"President Trump called for a national day of prayer this past Sunday. That's the nuclear option, calling on the Big Man upstairs. But apparently, not enough Americans got on their knees–– and now we're facing a serious dilemma. So we re-designed the president to become more presidential. Boring. Serious. He doesn't use funny nicknames or burns. No trashing other politicians. Now, President Trump is acting like he really cares about Americans and their health–– even more than himself! He's even embracing the idea of science, but not for the hoax of climate change. In short, the president is acknowledging reality. That's a major change in direction for this administration. And I think this serious president is going to test like gangbusters in focus groups. We call it Trump 2.0: The Loving, Caring, Empathetic President. "

But some things won't change.

"The president is still infallible and will never admit a mistake or alternate fact from one he stated. And, of course, he'll remain a caustic ass on Twitter. These are part of his brand, and that brand is money in the bank with his base. And let's face it, those are the only people that matter."

________________________________________________________________________________________

Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).