Stephanie Clifford Named New White House Chief of Staff

“A fresh new approach” to White House management is promised

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced late Friday that General John F. Kelly is stepping down as White House Chief of Staff and will be replaced by Stephanie Clifford, a woman with a mysterious background.

“The President really likes to shake things up,” Sanders told The Lint Screen. “Like a vampire, he craves fresh blood. While he thought General Kelly did an outstanding job, he felt that it was time for a change. He is confident Ms. Clifford will bring a fresh new approach to the role. President Trump also said that she smells much better than ol’ General mothballs, Brut, and Juicy Fruit. And she absolutely crushes the old soldier boy in the swimsuit competition.”

Little is known about the background of Clifford. A White House source with almost middling security clearance disclosed he had heard she once worked in the film industry. Our investigative reporter conducted exhaustive research into this rumor by sampling craft services tables across Los Angeles asking questions while stuffing his pie hole. He said he found no evidence of JK’s claim.

Perhaps our lazy pencil pusher should have pursued questioning grips or gaffers on deep background. “Woulda coulda shoulda,” our lackluster pudgy reporter said.

Meanwhile, back in Washington…

“The President is very pleased to have Ms. Clifford on his team,” press secretary Sanders said. “He thinks she will help him battle fake news reports like his alleged affair with Stormy Daniels. It’s disgusting what the media is allowed to get away with.”

Sanders took a deep breath, closed her eyes and lifted her iPhone to her ear and listened to a meditation app for ten minutes, then, continued.

“President Trump has taken a spark to Ms. Clifford and says that their chemistry is ‘electric and sexifyingly satisfying’.” The somber press secretary chuckled and continued. “And, he said that Stephanie is a lot easier on the eye than old sad sacks Kelly! Obviously, our glorious leader is an astute observer and every American should bow in his honor. Praise be Donald!”

Sanders dropped to her knees and thrust her arms forward.

Clifford begins her new position on Monday, providing the First Lady is out of town.

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).