SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT DON JR. REPORTS FROM LONDON

Here at The Lint Screen, we are always looking for a story that will give us an edge. A voice that will resonate around the world.

With that in mind, we gave Donald Trump, Jr. a star sticker with the word “REPORTER” written on it and asked him to file a special dispatch from London about his visit. Here is what he wrote for our readers. Enjoy!

“One of the really neat-o things about having your Pops be President is that you get to go on really cool trips with him!!! So me and his fav-sibs (Ivanka, Eric, and your truly!) got to bring our dates on an all-expenses-paid trip to London–– and we are having a royal blast! (Get it– ROYAL!)

The interesting thing about London is they actually speak English here, but they talk in a funny way that doesn’t sound American at all. English people have some sort of weird accent, but, at least you can understand most of what they’re saying–– unlike those stupid French.

I expected to see some chimney sweeps dancing and singing like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, but no such luck. There were no dancing penguins either! Darn it!!!

Pops says the mayor of London sucks! I have to agree with him on that! Pops is the most powerful man in the world and he can really spank!!!

Pops said we all had to wear weird monkey suits (see above–– Ivanka couldn’t be in the picture because she was wearing a dress, but we let Jared represent her). The suits were not comfortable at all, especially for a guy like me who ALWAYS goes commando–– but we have to do whatever Pops says or we’ll get grounded!!!

The Queen of England is a short old lady. I’m a LOT taller than she is! Eric said she offered him some hard candy–– I don’t know if he was kidding or not, but I sure wanted some hard candy.

I looooooooooove Watermelon Sours! They make my mouth pucker like a fish!

I asked the Queen if I could wear her crown and see her family jewels. She looked REALLY offended. Jeez laweeze!

At Buckingham Palace, I saw a bunch of guys marching around outside in red coats and these tall big beaver hats shaped like domes on their heads. They were like those guards in Emerald City in The Wizard of Oz.

I asked Ivanka if she had ruby red slippers and she looked at me like I was some weirdo. Forgive me, princess!

Cripes, sometimes having a hot sis sucks!

Buckingham Palace is really, REALLY big and we had this swell dinner with all kinds of fancy plates and glasses and flatware and fancy foods. I asked if I could just get a McDonald’s Happy Meal, and Pops gave me the hairy eyeball and said I had to eat what they served.

He had a big bucket of KFC. I didn’t dare ask if I could maybe have a piece because he gets real, REAL mad when he has to share.

I was talking to Jared (Ivanka’s handsome husband) and he is really, REALLY smart. Jared says Pops has him working on Middle East peace, solving the opioids crisis, the immigration crisis, and all sorts of other problems.

I wish Pops would give me a hard nut to crack! I’m a smart kid!!!

That’s all, folks, Pops says we got to go now. As they say here in England, ‘Cheerios.’

Boy, they must REALLY like cereal!!!!!!!!

________________________________________________________________________________________

Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).