Sinclair Scripts Leaked; A Nation Waits Anxiously

A pint of Old Grand Dad, two roaches, and good old-fashioned investigative journalism by reporters at The Lint Screen has helped reveal upcoming scripts for editorial segments to be carried by all 173 TV stations in the Sinclair Broadcast Group.

Here are the scripts soon to air in local markets nationwide.

“BEWARE!”
America is in critical danger. A terrible menace attacks us daily. What is it? The fake news media — the enemy of the people!!!

How can you tell if a news story is fake? That’s easy. If the story is critical of our glorious leader and his dedicated supporters?

If it is, it is fake news.

Treacherous and treasonous fake news is an undercurrent in America threatening our very democracy. Fake news works by undermining those brave people giving their all to make America great AGAIN!

If you see or hear any alleged news item that is critical of President Trump, his Cabinet, or our leadership in Congress, ignore it. Know that fake news is like a bullet to the head of America.

Call or write the media outlet releasing fake news. Boycott its advertisers. And for goodness sake, stop watching or reading it!

Fake news could cause cancer!

Take comfort in the irrefutable fact that this station only broadcasts 100% accurate news reports. Real news you can trust like the baby Jesus and the adult Jesus.

Thank you.

“MUELLER MUST GO”

The time has come to call off the outlandish political witch hunt led by the un-American and disgraceful Robert Mueller.

His hate-fueled investigation charade has been going on for what seems like decades, wasting billions and billions of your hard-earned tax dollars, and for what?! Nothing!

Absolutely and positively nothing!!! There is no collision, just like President Trump said!

While Mueller drinks his fancy champagne, smokes imported French cigarettes, and rides in chauffeur-driven luxury cars, his goon squad of divisive, disruptive, and dastardly leftists tries to smear mud on the reputations of good, honest Americans like you.

Dedicated and determined patriots who are working overtime to make America great AGAIN!!!

Mueller’s hatred of our glorious leader is destructive and dangerous. If his fake investigation is allowed to continue, your children could soon become gay, reject our Lord, and begin smoking Satan’s weed while cussing up a storm.

It’s past time this witch hunt was called off so our dedicated elected patriots can continue helping us return America to our greatness lost under Obama’s terrible regime.

Mueller must go — for America’s sake, your children’s sake, and for God’s sake!!!

Amen.

“PUTIN”

The fake media would have you believe that Russia President Vladimir Putin is the worst human on Earth.

They bellyache and cry crocodile tears because our glorious leader President Trump works hard to improve our relationship with Russia.

That’s just smart politics.

Because Putin, like Trump, is the strong, smart leader of his people. Putin earns their respect naturally, recently winning the presidential election with 77% of the Russian vote.

President Trump was also swept into office by a landslide vote. If you deduct the illegal alien vote bribed by crooked Hillary, Donald J. Trump received an estimated 82% of the American vote.

And, of course, he had the largest inauguration crowd in American history.

Yes, like Putin, President Trump is extremely popular with his people. So it only makes sense that two incredible world leaders respect each other’s strength and want to work together, talk on the telephone, and share real estate transactions.

It is much better for America to have good relations with Russia than bad ones.

Fake media should be ashamed of itself for smearing two great men, each one leading his country gallantly and heroically.

Who is America’s real enemy? Fake news!

Stay tuned to your local Sinclair station for the unvarnished truth.

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Patrick Scullin is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time Writing Fool.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).