Sense of Self

When I was a college market speakers agent, I sold to youngish Directors of Student Activities, a few faculty members, and at least one college president. However, most of my customers were college students.

Sometimes a student lecture chairman wanted to book comedians. Perhaps, they wanted to draw an audience outside of majors, psychology for Bruno Bettelheim, English majors to hear W.H. Auden. Everyone would come for a comic who had been on Johnny Carson.

This was before comedy really took off in the late 1970s, when Steve Martin played stadiums. Earlier, comedians  even famous ones, were working for small money, clubs two shows a night for $200, a TV spot on for scale -$150. They might open for a rock band, for $500, but tours were grueling and drunk and stoned kids just wanted the headliner.

College speaking engagements paid $1000-2000,  and you had the stage to yourself, a really good gig. The only catch was you had to do sixty minutes and make nice with the student lecture committee. Some comedians liked “groupies;” most did not.

David Frye was a versatile impressionist, LBJ, Sean Connery, William f. Buckley, Jack Nicholson. He was famous for his impression of Richard Nixon, “Let me make this perfectly clear. . . I am the president!”

In 1971, Nixon was president. It was before Watergate left a brown taste in people’s mouth. Whether you liked Nixon or not,  everyone liked to make fun of him. David Frye was insanely popular. He was doing sixty college dates a year at $2500 each. The only catch was his contract had a rider, “Mr. Frye does not socialize before or after the show. No dinners, no cocktails, no discussion sessions nor master classes.”

Tony was a small New Jersey college lecture chairman. He was a theatre major trying out comedy in some local clubs’ open mike nights. He booked David Frye and signed the contract initializing the rider as required. The day before the show Tony called.

“Come on, Alan. Will you at least ask him? Look, we won’t do anything before the show; he has to prepare. I get that. But afterwards - could he just come by the Center Lounge. He only has to stay fifteen minutes. I’ll drive him there and back to his hotel. Pleeeease, just ask him. Come aw-on, the worst he can do is say ‘no.’ Just ask.”

So I found myself on the phone with David Frye, “just asking.”

His first answer, was “No, this is in the rider.” I pressed.

“David, the kid wants to be a comedian; he’s even played a couple of clubs. He told me he “really bombed at first but is starting to get better.” He idolizes you, man. It’s only fifteen minutes.”

There was a very long pause, long enough that I finally asked, “David, are you still there?”

 

“Alan. .. . I spend my whole life being forty different people. . . not just in that hour. . . but practicing being each one. . . in front of a mirror. . .  on tape. . . in the shower. . . forty different people, over --- and ---- over --- again. . .

. . . it doesn’t give me a real firm sense of self. . . 

. . . So thank the kid, thank him more than once, but the answer is still No.”

Remembering David Frye has me thinking about  how to build a sense of self. He had a career of pretending to be something other than he was, inauthenticity for laughs. 

I know some other people who do that without the show biz career. 

People say things like “Fake it till you make it.” You hear someone gossip, “Being around her is exhausting. I mean, she is always on - witty and bright, with more snarky insight.”

How does one acquire self-awareness, and ensure authenticity, a sense of self. How would you help a child develop a firm sense of self?

I remember adults asking me at a young age, “what kind of person are you?” 

That often produced a “I’m the kind of person who likes. . . or dislikes. . .” 

Likes and dislikes can’t be all one is. I remember my father telling me at seven “You have to keep trying things because every seven years the board of directors changes and you might like something you didn’t used to like.” 

In middle school health class, I learned about the body’s seven year cell regeneration cycle, I thought “board of directors. Hmmmm.” I never said anything to my father. As a teen I wouldn’t admit that he knew anything.

You learn about yourself as people reflect their impressions of you. “You’re too sensitive. I didn’t mean anything by that.” “You’re weird. Why would you think that?”

Don’t spend all your reflection on yourself. Understand others too. If you don’t recognize boundaries or imagine everyone wants exactly what you want, you’ll be tough to be around. Narcissists have a too-firm sense of self.

And remember, it is within your power to change the things you don’t like about yourself,

In the end, a sense of self comes from self-reflection and self-evaluation, from realizing who you are and accepting yourself.

“Just be yourself” “Be authentic!” That is isn’t easy unless you’ve logged the time building your sense of self.

At least, don’t be “forty different people,” unless, it gets laughs and pays well.