"Send Your Kids to School. You can always make more," Say Pences

"I like to say education is the key that unlocks many doors," the Veep told The Lint Screen. "That's why I think it's so important all Americans follow the president's incredible leadership and send their kiddos back to school this fall. Cripes, haven't we all had enough of this pandemic spooking us?"

Mother nods at her husband's wisdom.

"Mike is right," she says. "I spent my career in education, and I can tell you all children want to learn. They want to read the Bible, worship the Lord, and learn the importance of repentance, and self-flagellation. If they don't learn these things, I fear they will go down an evil path to masturbation, sodomy, and homosexuality."

"We can't have that," Mike says. "Absolutely not."

"No, we can't," Mother agrees. "So we cannot allow a silly thing like fears over COVID-19 disrupt the wonderful American education system that Betsy DeVos manages so well. If the children do return and we lose some, well, we all have to make sacrifices, don't we? Look on the bright side; it just means God wants those precious little ones at His dinner table. Rejoice!"

"And if the parents have grown attached to their lost child," Mike says, "consider it a blessing in disguise. Abraham wanted to sacrifice his son for God but couldn't. The important thing is we all need to get President Trump's economy back up and running. He built the greatest economy ever in the history of mankind. To do that again and make the president happy, we're asking all parents to send your kids to school and get back to work."

"And if your kids are called to our Heavenly Father," Mother says smiling, "remember, you can always make more. Providing you don't deviate from the missionary position."

"But frankly, I don't think we need to worry about that," Mike says. "Mother and I have been praying, and we think we're going to get that miracle the president talked about–– this whole coronavirus thing will disappear."

"Praise the Lord," Mother says as an aide hands her a poisonous snake.

"Please, Mother," Mike says after a few moments. "Don't bogart the viper."

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).