Secrets Suck: What Happens Afterwards Sucks Even More...

A single working mother with three kids juggling her hats while getting ready for work and her kids off to school?

A stressed-out Fortune 500 executive with declining sales and overseas clients complaining of delivery deadlines missed? 

I’m betting you have your own image though.

But in truth the above is not overwhelm. 

It’s way late on the chain. 

Here’s an often overlooked but very basic definition of overwhelm. 

Overwhelm: “to overpower in thought or feeling.”  (Merriam-Webster)

John is driving home nervously thinking about the money he took out of his son’s college fund to invest in Bitcoin.

He’s not thinking about the amount of money or even Bitcoin.

His mind is doing somersaults about telling his wife, Kathy. 

Or not. 

A hundred different “Should I tell her/should I not tell her” scenarios are racing through his mind. He finds himself pulling into his driveway. 

“Shit, how’d I get here so fast?!” he thinks to himself. 

He turns off the ignition and stares straight ahead. 

His wife Kathy is in their kitchen getting dinner ready. She accidentally burned her finger while touching the side of the saucepan cooking the linguini for their dinner. She anxiously replays the kiss she gave her boss Michael earlier at lunch. It was just a quick kiss; she thinks as she stirs the linguini. She was flirting with him. Guilt moves in. She hears her husband come through the front door. 

John sets down his briefcase and walks into the kitchen. He loves the smell of Italian coming from the kitchen.

Kathy turns to greet him and smiles. 

John melts when he sees her smile. 

“Hey,” he says to her smoothly and walks over and gives her a kiss. She kisses him back with passion.  

While kissing John, Kathy introverts slightly wondering if she smells like her boss. She kisses John a little bit harder. 

John is lost in the kiss but the $7,500 he took from their son’s college fund is looming over him like he stole the crown jewel. 

They break from their kiss. 

“Wash up big boy, dinners about ready,” Kathy says playfully. 

John smiles and turns to head upstairs to take off his tie and wash up. 

John comes back downstairs fretting about what he’s done with Sam’s college fund while at work. 

That all disappears when he walks into the kitchen. Kathy has taken off her shoes. She’s still in her black slacks with her starch white Vera Wang blouse unbuttoned two buttons down. Her pink lace bra is slightly visible. 

John’s transgression fades into the background. 

They sit down at their quaint dinner table they bought at an antiques store on a whim. They have shared many romantic dinners at this table.

Kathy looks at John like she wants to devour him. She serves them each some linguini and salad. 

John pours them each a half-glass of Kendall Jackson. Her favorite. 

They gently clink their wine glasses together as one of their intimate rituals when they have a chance to eat together.

They each take a slow sip of wine. 

“So, how was your day?” Kathy asks.

John stirs his linguini with his fork and ponders the ever present $7,500 “Transaction Complete” image still etched in his mind from a single keystroke he made that simultaneously breached the integrity in his relationship with his wife. 

The overpowering thought or feeling backs him into a proverbial corner.

Witness what is happening to John. 

John’s transgression engulfs him. 

He cannot breathe. 

He answers anxiously, “Busy as hell today” he replies nervously as he takes a bite of his linguini. John feels anxiety kick in like somebody just gave him a lethal injection of phenobarbital. 

His stomach drops. 

He cannot tell her. 

He tries to get the attention off him and asks Kathy, “How about you? How was your lunch meeting with your boss Michael today?”

Kathy freezes mid eating her salad. 

The overpowering thought or feeling from John’s question makes her guilt kick in. She sips some wine and tries to figure out how she’s going to tell John about her flirting and kiss with her boss. 

The wine goes down slowly and she calms down. 

But she cannot tell him. 

She looks up at him smiles and says, “The luncheon went great. It looks like the client is accepting our proposal.”

John replies, “That’s fantastic! Did you guys do anything to celebrate?”

Kathy cringes inside. The picture of kissing her boss Michael is sitting right in front of her. She wonders if John can see it. 

She doesn’t feel like she can eat now. 

What No Textbook Ever Taught You About Overwhelm:

This overpowering thought or feeling that is holding both John and Kathy hostage is a condition of the mind.

No textbook will tell you about this phenomenon.

The Ph.D.’s will glibly tell you John and Kathy have secrets from each other.

Ummmmm...anyone who is alive learned about secrets in the 1st grade.

Of course, they have secrets.

But that is not the problem. 

That’s a bit late to the party.

That happened to both of them earlier in the day, see?

Now they are at dinner with each other.

What exactly is strangling them mentally right now?

If you do not know what this condition is, then how the hell are you supposed to handle it?

You cannot just say, “Well, they just need to be honest with each other.”

That’s just glib. 

Do you think John and Kathy don’t want to be honest with each other?

Of course, they want to be honest with each other.

But the question is:

What in the world is preventing from being honest with each other?

They both KNOW they need to tell the other!

The condition is not their secrets.

The condition is the overwhelm.

Yes, their secrets sit like a buried treasure tied to an anchor at the bottom of the sea. 

But how come they cannot “pull up anchor?”

See?

Overwhelm is a very specific condition that practically takes over one’s motor controls and the ability to speak. 

Like an emotional tsunami it sweeps over one’s ability to pull up anchor and tell the truth.

They are both being overpowered in thought or feeling.

Do you see this?

It you were to predict what would occur as this conversation goes forward, what would you predict would happen?

Not what you think they should do.

We know what they should do.

They know what they should do for heaven’s sake.

Ever since we were little, we were taught to tell the truth.

But when you are in a moment of overwhelm your ability to tell the truth becomes enormously marginalized.

Look at each of them in this conversation at dinner and recall a similar time you felt the same. 

Is it just “easy-peasy” to tell the truth?

No, it is not. 

You can see both John and Kathy are struggling with this. 

They are in a self-imposed straight jacket and cannot for the life of themselves figure out how to get out. 

So how does this conversation end?

Do they tell the truth to each other?

What follows is often what happens as this conversation goes forward clickety-clack down the conversation train track. 

We resume...

Kathy now tries to get the attention off herself.  She knows her fingerprints are all over the crime scene.

She takes another sip of wine and switches the conversation over to having run into John’s friend Greg at the grocery store while grabbing a few things for tonight’s dinner. 

“You know I ran into Greg at the grocery store today and we started chatting…”

John’s attention goes on full alert. 

He swallows nervously.  (Greg?)

“...He was pretty amped up about this Bitcoin investment thing you guys were getting into. I don’t know much about Bitcoin. I’ve heard it’s a bit risky. Are you going to invest in it?”

John feels perspiration tricking down the middle of his back. 

His soul freezes up. He flashes back to his college drug days reaching in his jeans pocket for his keys and a small packet of cocaine fell out. 

It feels like time has stopped between him and Kathy. She’s looking at him directly with a questioning eye while holding her glass of wine suspended. 

His head is buzzing from the wine. 

“Yes, I’m seriously considering it,” he replies with a charming smile. A smile he knows can disarm her. 

“Okay. Well, I trust you. I know you hate waiting to invest but I know our finances have been tight because of my recent surgery,” she replies as she takes along sip of her wine. 

With a bit more wine and a bit more I-almost-found-out-about-your- transgression, this train is going to derail. 

See, if the boa constrictor has got you in a stranglehold such that you cannot even speak, where you hid the doubloons is really not the pressing issue.

Unless you can get in control of this overpowering thought or feeling that’s creating this vice grip on your own personal integrity, you are going to suffocate.

John and Kathy’s marriage is mid this vice-grip. 

They are desperately trying to breathe while with each breath the pressure gets worse.

What to do?

First Step:

When you are in overwhelm it is so all consuming that it carries you with it like a riptide out to sea. If you notice, both John and Kathy are aware they are in the riptide. 

All of us have been in this situation. 

The problem is that the overpowering thought or feeling is not an external influence like a riptide. 

It only feels like it is. 

Both John and Kathy feel like they are being controlled by it so they try to swim around it. 

You can see this in their communication with each other. While they are answering their partner’s question their secret is sitting right in front of them like a highway billboard. They’re not unaware of it. 

It is what is creating the nervous anxiety.

Now follow this: The nervous anxiety is the riptide. It is sweeping them out to sea. Neither can gulp enough wine. 

The mind thinks it can make a chess move to outmaneuver the other’s question. 

This is the riptide.

This is the overwhelm.

Instinctively in a riptide current you panic and want to swim towards shore.

No, that is not how you handle a riptide current.

One, you stay calm and tread water. 

Then you swim parallel to shore.

John and Kathy are panicking. They are swimming in the wrong direction and the current of their conversation is taking them further out to sea.

Before this gets out of hand and more lies are told (which takes them further out to sea) both John and Kathy need to confront they are in this riptide of overwhelm. 

And this is often difficult for this simple reason:

The overpowering thought or feeling is being generated by the individual himself. 

See, they each committed a transgression against the very agreements they made with each other. 

The power that is being generated by this phantom boa constrictor or riptide is coming from each of them respectively. 

I know that sounds overly simplistic, but John and Kathy are not confronting this. 

They keep dodging it. 

Avoiding or dodging makes the overwhelm worse.

You can see it as their conversation continues. 

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

When you realize, “Holy shit, the pressure from this overwhelm beast is choking the life out of me,” just stop. 

John needs to stop. 

Kathy needs to stop.

They are in truth choking to death spiritually. 

Each stole something from the well of two. 

They have committed integrity theft.

They are now acting exactly as a thief would. 

It’s the craziest thing ever. 

They will tell lies or half-truths or try to escape being at the crime scene. 

Second Step:

When you have something that is this overpowering, it’s near impossible to tell the truth all at once. 

It’s too overwhelming. See?

It’s a friggin paradox like no one’s business. 

It is so overpowering and overwhelming you cannot say what you need to say. Yet you need to be able to say what you need to say, to free yourself from the overwhelm. 

In the scandal that marred Bill Clinton’s presidency he never handled that boa constrictor. He never told the truth. 

Ever. 

That self-imposed beast choked his presidency and stalks him all the days of his life. 

What do you do?

You need to start by telling some part of what you can about your secret or transgression.

Start swimming parallel to shore. 

It’s still not easy because the boa constrictor of overwhelm is telling John with blaring sirens: 

WARNING: DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU TOOK $7,500 OUT OF SAM’S COLLEGE FUND.

And Kathy’s siren is the same: 

WARNING: DO NOT TELL JOHN YOU KISSED YOUR BOSS. 

DO. NOT. DO. THIS.

See?

Listen, if telling the truth or confessing were easy you would not have to drive to your church, go into a private room behind a closed and locked door, and tell your minister in private you stole a kiss or the family doubloons. 

This is dynamite you are working with.

But you can diffuse it. 

And you can get the truth out.

Open the Window and Get Some Ventilation:

So, start with saying something like this: 

“Kathy...I need to tell you something….” 

That puts you at Cause.

“I wasn’t going to tell you this because I feel it would really upset you. To be honest I was afraid you’d leave me or it would destroy what you and I have. But if I do not tell you, it will destroy me and eventually us. I need to be honest and not hide it.”

Freeze Frame:

Now you might think this would scare the bejesus out of Kathy. 

No. 

Over the last forty years, every woman I’ve counseled is scared about what their husband is not saying. 

Women are extremely intuitive. 

They often suspect what kind of David Copperfield sleight-of-hand their man has been up to. 

Yes, when they feel a sense of betrayal or that they’ve been lied to their nine-inch nails come out as part of their genetic blueprint. 

But the caring soul of a woman has enormous breadth. 

They. Just. Want. To. Know. 

And listen: If your partner said this to you, you would know that he or she was in the stranglehold of something. 

You would not yet know what they have done, but they are letting you know they did not feel good about what they did, and want to come clean.

If you were John or Kathy, you would probably be relieved they are saying this because in truth, they are doing what you should be doing.

Everyone has had their “dinner table” moment in their life.

You can possibly feel right now exactly how John & Kathy feel as we have all been at this dinner table. 

Once you stop being part of the overwhelm and you take responsibility for your own hand in the well, you begin your swim back to shore and sanity.

The hardest thing for any individual to admit is his own causation in the matter he is now overwhelmed by. 

But even borrowing the riptide analogy, both John and Kathy swam into it. 

You can swear a blue streak at the sea or “lifeguards should have told me” or swear that you “should’ve never come to the beach.”

That’s all mis-ownership. 

That solves nothing except getting you more pissed off.

When you feel like you’re suffocating and no amount of wine or TV or social chit-chat can get this beast off of you, you have to understand this:

Overwhelm is elected.

It is the last thing that either John or Kathy will admit too.

But it is the first thing that takes the life out of the boa constrictor.

The truth is it is your overwhelm. It is in your head. See?

Nobody injected this into you.

It is only overpowering because you gave the beast all of its oxygen. 

The reason it gets worse is you keep breathing life into it.

Both John and Kathy are continuing to breathe life into their misdeeds. So, the life of their misdeeds grows. 

Once you take responsibility for having done something that violated the agreement of the group (John and Kathy are a group of two) you are swimming towards the shore called integrity.

And it is not necessarily an easy swim.

If it were, then John and Kathy would have answered each other’s question with the truth and not all of these I-skirted-the-truth evasive answers thinking they were swimming to safety.

Once you begin the process of owning what you did your personal integrity begins to come up for air. You will feel like your lungs will burst telling your partner but this is just the minds phantom boa constrictor telling you: 

DO NOT DO THIS.

But better your metaphorical lungs burst by telling the truth than your marriage burst because you mistakenly feel withholding your transgression makes you feel like you’re swimming to safety.

The reason couples get into trouble such that their marriage or relationship is on the brink, is they’ve each buried their misdeeds and those now become the anchor pulling them under.

Often times you do need a lifeguard which is why they are there on the beach.

It is why I do what I do as a counselor and consultant.

Unfortunately, not every relationship can be salvaged. 

But every relationship being pulled out to sea should benefit from the skills of a seasoned counselor for the chance to save it from sinking.

If you or someone you know is in need of such a person, feel free to contact me.

Just click on this link for a free consultation:

http://bit.ly/2XJTMdm