RUDY PRESENTS HIS DEFENSE FOR TRUMP AGAINST IMPEACHMENT

If Perry Mason, Matlock, Jack McCoy, and Ally McBeal had a baby, that child would still look like a legal moron compared to Rudi Giuliani.

Donald J. Trump’s personal attorney visited The Lint Screen offices and laid out his bulletproof defense strategy against “the looney libs hellbent on destroying America with their unfounded witch hunt against our greatest patriot” by bringing impeachment charges against the president.

“President Trump is one-hundred percent innocent,” Rudy said. “He told me so himself. He did nothing wrong. The president was trying to curb corruption in Ukraine–– he hates corruption, anything outside the laws of decency. And Joe Biden and his son were doing awful things in Ukraine. Many people say they were ripping pacemakers out of chests, stealing lunch money from blind orphans, punching old ladies in the gut and stepping on their bifocals–– horrible acts. So, what’s our president supposed to do? Give them a pass? Let them ruin innocent lives? No! He stands for playing fair. Donald Trump is a good citizen. An upright guy. Where’s the crime in that?”

Giuliani was asked about Trump’s conversation with Ukraine President Viktor Yanukovych, in which he spoke of all the U.S. had done for his country, and how he’d like to continue helping, but first, he wanted him to do “a favor.”

“That favor could have meant anything. The Democrats are saying the favor was getting dirt on Biden. I don’t buy it. Maybe the president wanted a good recipe for chicken tortilla soup, or help doing taxes, maybe even some movie recommendations. We don’t know. The favor could have been anything. Where’s the crime in that?”

Rudy relaxes.

“Look, we’re not worried about this impeachment witch hunt because it’s all a pile of B.S. The president is the greatest one we’ve ever had. Look at the economy. His big beautiful wall. His tax cut that put millions of dollars in Bobby blue collar’s pocket and Larry the laborer’s lunchpail. America has never been in better shape. The facts can’t be disputed. Maybe the only thing he is guilty of is caring too much about his people, and we should be thankful for that!”

Rudy shakes his head, mops his brow with a hankie, wrings it out into a bucket.

“And let’s face it, hypothetically speaking, reality doesn’t exist. He can’t be guilty. President Trump’s outside this dimension.”

He rests his case.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).