REP. JIM JORDAN PROPOSES GOP CHANGE ITS NAME

Ohio Representative Jim Jordan is hopping mad and spitting fireballs of fury.

“Our country is under siege,” Jordan told The Lint Screen. “We have that scumbucket liar Michael Cohen badmouthing the greatest president we’ve ever had while The Great One was in Nam negotiating the nukes away from North Korea. Cohen was disgraceful. After that hearing, I cried. My pillow was soaked. Cohen’s performance was treasonous.”

While Jordan was happy with the support his party showed the president during the hearing, he believes the GOP needs to do a lot more.

“I think we need to change our brand name from Republican to Trumpian. Forget the party of Lincoln, that’s yesterday. Today we’re Trump and we’re proud! Republican is old–– Grand Old Party. Ditch it! The party name of ‘Trumpian’ is new. It’s fresh, exciting, and sexy–– just like our president! Let’s celebrate the gift God gave us. That’s the Trumpian way, I say!”

Jordan got a dreamy look in his eyes, took his pen and wrote JJ + DT on a pad and circled the letters with a heart. The Buckeye representative took a deep breath and continued.

“Think about it, Trump is the greatest brand name in the universe, and the GOP should own it. I discussed my idea with the president and he assured me he would support our name change. He also said he would only charge the party $5 billion annually for the usage of his name,” Jordan smiled. “That’s nothing! We can pay for it out of the federal budget–– take it out of Social Security. It’s a drop in the bucket!”

Jordan believes anyone who does not show support for the president should be put in detention camps and tortured. Ditto for journalists who write disparaging things about the president.

“Our president loves freedom and if you don’t love Trump you don’t deserve freedom. That’s what our forefathers would want! That’s the American way under Trumpian leadership.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).