Real Relationships: It Takes Courage to Not Compromise

When people think of courage, they often get a picture of a fireman rushing into a burning building to save lives.

Or, hearing of a soldier honored with the Purple Heart for saving his platoon pinned down by enemy fire.

There are hundreds of examples of this kind of courage.

But courage in your relationship?

The word almost seems misplaced.

Unless of course your relationship is like a house on fire and...ummm...well, nevermind.

When you take a look at the definition of the word courage, it’s basic meaning is rather interesting.

Courage: means mental or moral strength to venture, persevere.

It’s one's innermost character, feelings, or inclinations.

But its actual root comes from Anglo-French curage, from quer, coer heart, from Latin cor — more at heart.

Somewhere deep down inside it made sense to me that heart had to be at the center of those things that took courage.

It takes this kind of courage to have a real, honest and intimate relationship.

And I’m not talking about the heart you love another with.

I’m talking about the courage that starts with your heart.

Enter Marianne. A real client of mine. Changed her name because, well, because Marianne has nine-inch French Nails and I don’t want to make her upset. Know what I mean?

Marianne loves her husband. She wears her wife/lover/partner-in-life hat like nobody I know. She’s the real deal.

But Marianne is scared shitless to talk to her husband about certain issues in their marriage.

Right.

And Marianne is not alone in this. This occurs with practically every couple I coach or counsel. And oh yea. Her hubby Michael, is my client as well.

And yes, he’s got his issues for sure. Like mis-assigning responsibility for their relationship issues mostly to Marianne.

Sound familiar?

The Afraid Virus:

So, Marianne is afraid to talk with her husband about issues in their marriage. You know. She wants to improve communication and make her marriage really sing.

Yet, confronting Michael on marital issues often triggers Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde.

Ah, c’mon...this is not a burning house!

No it is not.

It’s an intimate human relationship which came with no instruction manual.

Firemen practice putting out fires on dummy housing. They know when, where, and how to enter a building.  They’ve practiced this.

Marianne had no such practice. She even related to me that she thought it odd that she would actually be a bit terrified of talking about these things with the man she loves.

So, when the hell did this virus of being afraid to talk to your partner enter the major artery of a marriage or relationship?

Marianne is not a cream puff. She’s a strong, intelligent woman.

Yet when the hour comes when she needs the courage to talk with her husband, she falters. Trust me, all of her loving heart is there. It’s pounding so hard against her ribcage, you’d think she was about to run into an actual burning building.

This is the kind of courage I’m talking about.

In order for Marianne to not emotionally and spiritually suffocate in her marriage, she needs courage to talk openly and freely with her husband.

But that is only one part of courage.

Marianne needs more.

Mental and Moral Strength:

Okay, so Marianne has the heart. But she also needs the mental and moral strength to do this.

WTF?

I thought you said she was strong?

I did. And she is.

But when her husband (a great guy btw ) morphs from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, not even Marianne’s nine-inch nails will help her.

And Mr. Hyde is not abusive. He’s a good guy with issues just like the rest of us.

But let’s just say when Mr. Hyde is being Mr. Right, then anything that trespasses on his Mr. Right Domain, is wrong.

So, how can Marianne be right?

Are we having fun yet?

Okay, so what the hell is mental and moral strength?

Well, in simple terms you have to know that what you are doing is the right thing to do, and have the mental strength to do it.

Take Rosa Parks. Took a lot of moral strength to sit in that seat up front in that bus that day in Montgomery, Alabama.

She knew what she was doing. She knew it was the right thing to do. And talk about courage? Yea...well, Rosa’s heartbeat I guarantee you was pinging off the charts.

But make no mistake. Her courage and decision to do what she did took moral strength.

Think of any time you thought something was not right---and I mean it was truly out of line, unjust, or just not right. It could be in your marriage, your business, or your personal life.

And if you did not speak up or say something, you may have gone through a few of these: “I should have said something.” “I should have spoken up.” “I didn’t say anything and I should have.”

That’s where moral strength comes in.

And it doesn’t mean you’re a lightweight.

The word “moral” is being modified by the word “strength.” Strength is a relative word. Like asking your husband to unscrew a too-tight jar of spaghetti sauce. Sometimes it takes a tad more than you have.

So, Marianne knows what she wants to say is the right thing. Mentally and morally she knows in her heart of hearts, she needs to communicate these things.

But mental strength is a very different bird. This “jar lid” is Michael’s resistance to talking about relationship issues. And even when Marianne broaches the subject, you’d think the way she describes it, she’s taking a shot to her face with a blowtorch.

And listen. Marianne is strong.

But admittedly not strong enough up against Mr. Michael Hyde.

To Venture or Not Venture: That Is The Question

Back to the rest of the definition of courage.

Courage: “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere.”

This is the last part: To venture.

Let’s consult Merriam-Webster again.

Venture: “to undertake to express, as when opposition or resistance appears likely to follow; be bold enough; dare.”

Damn.

“...opposition...?”

“...be bold enough…?”

This sounds more like someone handing out a Purple Heart for courage on the battlefield.

Marriages aren’t battlefi...nevermind.

Okay, back to this venture!

To “undertake to express, as when opposition or resistance appears likely to follow.”

So, let me see if I’ve got this right.

Marianne has heart. Check.

She has moral strength. Check.

But now she will undertake to express her viewpoint and ideas about how to improve their marriage, understanding that “...opposition or resistance appears likely to follow.”

Ummmm…“likely to follow?!”

You don’t need courage for something that is likely to occur. It wasn’t “likely” Rosa Parks would catch flack for sitting up front. It was built into the DNA of the moment.

And this is why Marianne, despite her heart and moral strength, could not do this on her own. She has tried. And tried.

And tried.

And when you have tried several times to communicate your truth or viewpoint and you practically feel admonished for even speaking, then eventually you never speak.

Until, like Marianne, you begin to feel like you’re dying emotionally and spiritually in your marriage. Suffocating is not an option. No amount of jewelry or cars or vacations in the Bahamas is an antidote to the feeling of suffocating in your marriage.

Especially for people like Marianne whose heart is as big as her soul.

You have to take that seat on the bus.

You have to speak up or fade into the obscurity of a life of pretense.

Courage: All Three Parts

You have these three elements that come together as a part of the courage it takes to communicate to your spouse, family member, or even your CEO.

One, you need to have the moral strength to know you have no other option than to do or say what is right.

Two, you need to understand that you have to venture out and persevere despite the likelihood of opposition. The opposition is the barbwire fence that silently says, “Good luck trying to get over me, mate.”

No, the barbwire fence is the catalyst that tells you that there is intrinsically something wrong for there even to be a barbwire fence.

And Three: heart.

As in the very roots of the word courage.

There is no more courageous act than venturing out to make something better or right in the face of opposition. It will make you lose sleep whether it’s confronting your spouse, boss, or civil rights.

The voices inside your head will never be louder. “He’s just going to shut you down.” “You never win.” “You’ll just get into an argument.”

“You might get fired.”

The only reason anyone is not speaking up or telling their truth is the consequence of opposition.

Who wants to be shut down?

Who wants to be invalidated?

Do I see a raise of hands?

I didn’t think so.

Listen: By the time I get to these couples they have made concessions and often forfeited their dreams of making things better. They have a “good life” but it’s hollow. And in all fairness, it’s not bad.

It’s just not alive.

Marianne is you. Michael is you.

There’s a part of them in all of us.

The difference is Marianne did not want to compromise or suffocate anymore.

And even as strong as she was, she knew she needed some coaching when it came time to step up to the plate.

And now she and Michael have worked through some key issues and are doing better than they have in...years.

There’s more ahead, but what they both will tell you is that it took courage and perseverance with the goal of not wanting it to stay the same.

Sounds like a sound bite from Rosa.

If you have interest in receiving coaching for your marriage, relationship or business, click on the link below for a free 30 minute consultation.

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