Putin “Worried Sick” About Election Results

Russia President Vladimir Putin projects a tough guy image, but apparently, it’s an act.

“The poor guy is worried sick,” Dmitry Yermolay, the editor of The Free Russia Democratic Absolute Truth Teller told The Lint Screen. “I don’t think he’s slept a wink for months. He loves his job and is terrified of losing it.”

Putin, the 65-year-old incumbent, is running for a fourth term as President of Russia against a field of seven contenders. “Putin is quite nervous about his opponents,” Yermolay confided. “He told me it is a very strong group he must beat and that his chances of winning are only one in eight. He does not like those odds.”

But perhaps Putin has a rabbit’s foot, and shamrock in his pocket — all seven presidential candidates running against him have disappeared. Russian police are searching desperately for them, but have no leads.

“It’s like they have vanished,” Ilya Agafangel, Chief Moscow Investigator confessed. “It is a true mystery. We hope they are safe.”

“The President does not take his opposition lightly,” Yermolay said. “He always says politics is very unpredictable — look at what Mr. Trump did in America. You can never count anyone out! Putin is also worried that Trump may have interfered with our election. If he loses, he will launch an investigation.”

Putin should learn the election outcome soon, and perhaps he will have reason to celebrate and get a good night’s sleep.

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Patrick Scullin is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time Writing Fool.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Be on the lookout for his first novel, SAWDUST.