Price Demanded “Special Treatment” At Taxpayer Expense

United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price recently came under attack for taking 26 private jet trips costing over $300,000 at the expense of U.S. taxpayers, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

On these same flights, Price demanded Dom Perignon Champagne enemas, six tins of Beluga Sturgeon Caviar, and four cans of Pringle’s Salsa de Chile Habanero Potato Crisps.

“This is absolutely outrageous,” Rep. Gary Blowdenner bellyached to The Lint Screen. “Why’s this guy demanding fancy flavored Pringle’s? What — regular Lay’s or Wise Chips aren’t good enough for mister high and mighty? No, apparently he needs his potato snacks to stack all nice and neat! The taxpayers are getting soaked by Price for all his special treatment.” Blowdenner spat on the ground and adjusted his belt before continuing his rant.

“If Price was flying commercial, like Joe and Jane Six Pack, he’d only get a lousy little packet of stale pretzels. His la-di-da behavior is criminal!”

There was no comment from HHS Price’s office. An official statement said he “was in the bathroom.”

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).