PREZ RECALLS “TREMENDOUS HEARTBREAK” OF MISSED HOLE-IN-ONE

This Memorial Day weekend, as COVID-19 ravages America, and people remember fallen heroes and those who bravely fought for our freedom, President Donald J. Trump grappled with his troubles–– the one that might have been.

Trump, who made America great again and has been its great protector during the global pandemic, took a well-earned break and visited his golf club in Sterling, Virginia.

“The fake news didn’t like it,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “But I’ve been working overtime for months. I have blisters on both my thumbs from Tweeting, and I swear I’m getting carpal tunnel from working the TV remote. No president has ever worked harder than me. None!”

So, the commander-in-chief played golf to recharge his batteries and experienced the kind of unimaginable heartbreak few Americans will ever know. 

“I was teeing up on the 14th,” he recalls. “It’s a beautiful hole. It might be the greatest, toughest hole in golf. It’s 142-yards into the wind. I grabbed my 7-iron, took a nice easy swing, and launched a missile right at the flag. The ball hit five yards short, took a big bounce, hit the flagstick and landed eight feet from the cup. I almost had a hole-in-one–– would have been my second one. I don’t think Washington or Lincoln had any holes-in-one. They were lousy golfers. Horrible presidents.”

Tears began welling in his steely blues as he recalls with agony the fleeting memory of what might have been.

“I was so close,” he says with his hands almost touching each other. “It chokes me up even thinking about it. I’ll never forget the tremendous heartbreak of that shot. It was absolutely devastating.”

Trump takes a deep inhale and shakes it off, coming back to his usual chipper self.

“But I guess that’s what Memorial Day is all about, right? Great memories. That incredible shot of mine is a memory that will stay with me for a long, long time. I was so close.”

Trump shrugs. “I gave myself a hole-in-one anyway. I think that’s what the golf gods would have wanted. I played a pretty great round. Shot my age–– 52. Not bad.”

He winks and wobbles away.