PRESIDENT RECALLS HIS “CHRISTMAS MIRACLE”
To hear President Donald J. Trump tell it, his life as the nation’s savior mirrors that of Jesus Christ.
“And nervous Nancy is like what’s his name–– Punky Pilot,” the Donald told The Lint Screen. “She sentences the grown-up Jesus, that’s me, to death with her phony, fake, very unfair impeachment. But, on Christmas eve, I was like little baby Jesus, and I was visited by three wise guys who carried great gifts.”
Trump says rather than sleeping in a manger, he was staying at Mar-A-Lago. “The beds are much better than a pile of hay. Sure, the beds here have a few bedbugs, but nothing too bad.” He continued.
“I have been treated very badly by the Democrats,” he said. “Their impeachment is a total witch hunt. It’s awful what they’re doing to me for making a perfect call.”
But, like the Christ child, he did not despair.
The President said while he was enjoying a slice of chocolate cake (“the most beautiful cake you’ve ever seen”), he was approached by Senator Mitch McConnell, Sen. Lindsay Graham, and Representative Kevin McCarthy.
“They appeared like visions from out of nowhere. They said they came from a faraway land called Washington,” the president said. “And they were bearing great gifts for their savior and redeemer. For they love me so much,” he said as his eyes got dewy.
“Mitch presented his testicles on a silver platter. Lindsay gave me his spine. And McCarthy, well, McCarthy gifted me with his integrity, which wasn’t much–– hardly anything at all, really––but it’s the thought that counts.”
The abused childlike president was thankful.
“It was a great gesture,” he said. “But the wise guys saved the best for last. They promised me the undying loyalty of the entire Republican party in supporting their king and overlord. And that’s quite a Christmas present, let me tell you.”
The president wiped his eye with his red silk tie. It fell to the floor and he composed himself.
“Of course, I would have preferred some gold. Lots of gold, actually. But, I forgive the cheap bastards.”
________________________________________________________________________________________
Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.
He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).
Articles from Patrick Scullin
View blogRep. Marjorie Taylor Greene to star in upcoming production. · Attendees to last week’s CPAC in Dalla ...
Treasonous criminals will be rewarded if Trump gets elected. · On January 6, 2021, thousands of irat ...
The Secret Service accepts no blames for missing texts on January 5, and 6, 2021. · Jim Fletcherson ...
Related professionals
You may be interested in these jobs
-
Dental Health Therapist
Found in: Jooble US O C2 - 6 days ago
Landmark Family Dental Care Bloomington, IN, United States7500 Sign-On Bonus · Landmark Family Dental Care is looking for a Full-Time Licensed Hygienist to join our team · Office Hours: Monday: Closed, Tuesday: 7:30am-6pm, Wednesday: 8am-5pm, Thursday: 8am-5pm, Friday: 7am-2:30pm. We are a 9 person team who loves to have fun in a busy o ...
-
Management Leaders
Found in: Appcast US A2 ECP - 4 days ago
WilliamsonHeckt Casper, United StatesDo you want to own your own business? · You are not alone, approximately 85% of the new franchise owners were professionals transitioning out of the corporate grind, and 25-30% keep their job and run their business on the side. · Our firm works closely with individuals who are op ...
-
Regional Truck Driver Company
Found in: J-Vers US C2 - 6 days ago
MDS, Inc. Logistics mansfield, United StatesMDS, Inc. Logistics - Hiring Class A Reefer Drivers | 6mnths Exp Req. · MDS, Inc. Logistics - Class A Reefer Driver · Here at MDS, Inc. Logistics, we are looking for safe and awesome Class A Drivers Typically, you are out 4 - 5 days of the week, but HOME WEEKLY · Sign On Bonus: ...
Comments
Jim Murray
4 years ago #1