POMPEO BLAMES U.S. INTELLIGENCE FOR RUSSIA BOUNTY MISCOMMUNICATION

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is known as one of the staunchest supporters of President Donald Trump, and he has come to the defense of the imbecile-in-chief.

“If the intelligence departments had information about Russia putting bounties on our troops,” Pompeo told The Lint Screen, “they failed to inform the president. And that’s on them, not him.”

Pompeo thinks there is an art to dispensing information for absorption into the president’s pea-sized-brain.

“You can’t expect him to read a boring report,” the pudgy sycophant said. “The president is too busy to read. You need large colorful pictures, video, animation, nudity, action sequences, juggling clowns, buildings blowing up–– you know, some razzamatazz. And it’s best if you plaster his name throughout your presentation. The ‘TRUMP’ name keeps his attention. The bigger, the better. If you can work in some pictures of Ivanka, you’ll have his attention like a dog on a bone. He’s crazy for that little pixie.“

The secretary of state blames U.S. intelligence agencies for a communications failure.

“These deep state people are always looking for ways to make the president look weak,” Pompeo said. “So what if he rolls over for Putin, Kim, and Erdoğan? President Trump is a masterful negotiator. He lets them play into his trap by allowing them to do whatever they want. The president thinks it’s better to have those guys as friends than enemies. We have plenty of those in NATO. ‘Allies’ is just another way of saying ‘enemies.’”

Pompeo is confident Trump will have a landslide victory in his re-election bid.

“He has Russia, China, North Korea–– all the important countries, rooting for his victory,” Pompeo beamed. “And with the terrific job he’s done on the pandemic, race relations, the booming economy, and vibrant employment, the president will dominate the 2020 election. He truly is the chosen one who made America great again.”

Pompeo leaned toward this reporter. “Let the president know I said all those nice things,” he whispered. “He needs a little cheering up.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).