Plight of the American Male: Of the Caucasian Persuasion

Wait. I am an one of them. But, that doesn't sound like me. What happened? Did I get in the wrong line? I've got problems galore. I'm losing hair, adding weight and approaching retirement age. No one seems to admire me, let alone worship at my feet. I don't make boat loads of money. I married two gorgeous women, of whom I later divorced. I did just buy a sports car, but it's a domestic product. Does that count? If I'm being chauffeured around, it's only because I've had one too many Jameson's at the local pub -- which isn't located on Michigan Avenue -- and it's in my buddy's 16-year-old Ford Taurus. Ironically, he's an African-American.

Nonetheless, I'm still despised by other races, nationalities, religious faiths, and the opposite sex. I was born carrying this pale-feathered albatross around my neck and it's getting heavier and heavier by the day. I need to make an appointment to be seen by a chiropractor, who will undoubtedly be a middle-aged, white male. You saw that one coming, didn't you?

 African-Americans hate me for that slavery business my forefathers got them into, although my particular forefathers and my very own mother immigrated from the Emerald Isle -- after the fact. Few people recall the injustices suffered by the Irish when they first arrived in the Land of Plenty.I suppose it makes a big difference if you arrived above deck as a passenger rather than below deck as a commodity. I get that.

As far as nationalities are concerned, take your pick. They all hate me, especially the ones who don't appear white to the naked eye. The ones who do, try to blend in, but their language and/or accents give them away. Not even achieving American citizenship can disguise those identifiers. I do have an affinity for a lovely Irish brogue, compliments of my mother, who retains dual citizenship. By the way, most newly minted citizens probably know more about our form of government than those gifted it by birth and taught it in school. For example, former President George W. Bush and, of course, former Vice President Dan Quayle. I'd put my mother up against that pair of middle-aged, white guys any day.

I'm the offspring of a Catholic father and a Protestant mother, both of Irish decent. That's about as white bread as you can get. It's also a recipe for discord, but so is marriage. As a result, I look as American as apple pie. Jesus Christ is often depicted as a white male, too, even though the name, spelled the same, but pronounced differently, is very common among the Hispanic community.  However,  if you're a Muslim and your name's Mohammed, you're on somebody's list -- and it's not Santa's. Meanwhile, Tom, Dick, and Harry are allowed to roam freely to rob liquor stores and fire-bomb mosques. What's the common denominator? The names are commonly associated with white males and we all look alike. Where have I heard something akin to that before?

Women are becoming increasingly infuriated by my entitlement by association. Apparently, I make more money than they do because I produce testosterone and come from a long line of pale-colored prince's of industry. My kind are simply born into it -- the ol' silver spoon theory.  Well, this is America, damn it!  We're not a monarchy, we're a democracy. There's no place for royal privilege. Unfortunately, we can't just place a proposal for gender-equal pay on a ballot. Women will have to figure out how to achieve that on their own -- and they will. I'm simply trying to make a few bucks for myself -- and not just at their expense. Everybody's fair game.

Even after twice electing an African-American as president and bracing for an election that features a woman, I'm still the enemy. Well, my kind isn't going to take it, anymore. We have a new champion -- Donald Trump. He's just like me. He's a middle-aged, white male (out of respect, I won't mention his hair). He's a world-class horse's ass, just like me. He even pisses off his own kind. That's scary. If elected, he apparently promises to carry on our time-honored traditions, but without the white hoods and burning crosses. He intends to exchange those for walls and deportations. How could anything go wrong? He's a middle-aged, white American male. He's entitled, just like me.

This insane rant was inspired by Megan Lucas and her buzz entitled, "What Does it Mean to be a Woman in the United States." Not that I consider her buzz insane, just the opposite. She's the one who called it a rant. It encouraged me to reflect upon what it means to be a middle-aged, white American male -- a little personal introspection with a twist. I hope no one takes it seriously. I find Megan to be a very eloquent and intriguing young woman (I'd add beautiful, but then I'd appear sexist). I wish her nothing but the best. She's an inspiration. By the way, my daughter's name is Meghan, too. The "h" isn't meant to be silent -- it's meant to be Irish, of course.