Pledge of Allegiance to Trump Proposed

Following yesterday’s passage of the Republican tax bill, GOP leaders gathered for an impromptu session and praised president Donald J. Trump, who, in his customary shy, humble manner, seemed surprised by their sincere gratitude. The meeting inspired a giddy Paul Ryan to “spitball a great idea.”

Today, Ryan and his merry band of lawmakers will propose new legislation requiring all Americans to recite a Pledge of Allegiance to Donald J. Trump.

“Heck, yeah, what a terrif-a-rooni idea!” agreed vice president Mike Pence.

Mitch McConnell said this new pledge would replace the current Pledge of Allegiance to The Flag. “That thing’s got whiskers,” he told The Lint Screen. “And because our president is so exceptional, and is doing such a tremendous job, it will be mandatory for all citizens to recite The Pledge to him daily, or, face imprisonment or deportation.”

Here is the proposed pledge:

“I pledge allegiance to Donald J. Trump, and to the charisma, big brains, and exquisite leadership for which he stands. He has always put America first, keeping Mexican rapists, Muslim terrorists, and unwanted foreign scum out! Build that wall, build that wall! He won the presidency in a landslide and his inauguration crowd was the largest ever recorded. His incredible accomplishments as a businessman and huge ratings as reality TV star are legendary. He has given Americans the largest tax cut in history. And, he has accomplished more than any president. Suck it Lincoln and Washington! Truly, Donald J. Trump is the greatest president our nation has ever had. He commands one nation under God, indivisible, and he will dispense liberty and justice to those who earn it. No haters, losers or fatties! Thank you, President Trump, for making America great again! Lock her up! Forever and ever, amen.”

The new “Pledge” law is expected to pass. Then, the TRUMP name will be added to the United States of America flag.

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).