Pence Warns Mueller: “Bitch Best Back Off, Or I’ll Cut You”

Vice President Mike Pence may appear to be a mild-mannered devoutly Christian man, but don’t push him.

Pence lashed out today at Special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign and its ties to Russia. “I got some health advice for Mueller — bitch best back off, or I’ll cut you,” Pence told The Lint Screen.

Mueller has been investigating Russia ties to the Trump election campaign for a year now, and while many of the president’s advisors have been snagged and are facing criminal charges, there have been no definitive ties to Trump exposed.

“Big Papa D is clean, man. He’s just a righteous dude working up a sweat trying to make America great again,” Pence declared. “The man ain’t got no stink on him. Mueller thinks he can play him, he best be thinking again. Big Papa D will take him down.”

Pence said he would do whatever it takes to protect Trump. “He says cap an ass, I’m capping. He says take a bullet, I’m taking. Soldier got to do what a soldier got to do.”

The vice president and his wife, Karen “Mother” Pence, are known to run a tight crew as enforcers for the president. “Me and my girl got Big Papa D’s back, for sure. Mueller and his boys best remember what Omar said, ‘Come at the king, you best not miss.’ That’s a hundred percent.”

Pence’s nickname is “The Hoosier Hothead” and he says his reputation is earned. “I ain’t afraid to get crunk with anyone. You tell L’il Bobbie Mueller he best watch his back, cuz this boy will tote an ass-whuppin’ he’ll never forget. Word.”

Pence took a razor-sharp Gerber Bear Grylls Folding Sheath Knife from his suit jacket, snapped it open and began cleaning his pearly white teeth with its point. He smiled confidently. “And I ain’t playing.”

The men continued jabbering for the next six hours. The editor locked the door and went home.

#######################################

PD Scullin is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time Writing Fool.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).