PELOSI GETS HIRED BY JUSTICE DEPARTMENT AS PAPER SHREDDER

When pint-sized yokel Jess Sessions was the Attorney General, ‘Lil Donnie Trump always bellyached, “Where’s my Roy Cohn? Wah-wah-wah!” But those days are long gone now that portly Bill Barr is in the saddle.

The top justice man was mightily impressed last night with Trump’s State of The Union Address.

“His words were like pure poetry,” he said, “he melted my clogged heart. The president is the greatest leader ever, he says it all the time–– but I was especially knocked out by the performance of Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi.”

Following Trump’s speech, Pelosi took her copy and tore Trump’s hunky-dory gospel to shreds. It was an impressive display of defiance.

“That girl is a regular confetti-making machine,” Barr said as he ate a deep bowl of butterscotch pudding.

Barr was so impressed with her performance, he approached Pelosi after the SOTU and “made her an offer she couldn’t refuse–– she can spend the rest of her time in Congress working as a shredder for the Justice Department. I told her we’ll pay you a cool billion dollars a year. What’s it matter? No cares about deficits anymore. They only apply when Democrats are in office.”

The Attorney General said that ever since he has assumed the role of AG, he has had trouble keeping up with the president.

“The man generates a huge paper trail of his shady activities,” the top cop said, “and I have to make them all disappear. I can’t tell you how many paper shredders we’ve burned-out. But with Pelosi on the job, I think we can finally keep pace. In a couple of weeks, Nancy’s arms will look like Popeye on a spinach bender!”

Pelosi told The Lint Screen she wasn’t interested in Barr’s generous offer at first. “But then I thought, what’s it matter–– the GOP Senate will let Trump do whatever he wants anyway. I might as well make a buck on this thing and get some good cardio.”

Bill Barr nipped into a rack of ribs. “Just call me Cohn. Roy Cohn.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).