PATRIOTS DEMAND FREEDOM TO WORK; PROTEST “FAKE VIRUS”

A patriot is someone who loves liberty and country more than life itself. Many angry patriots are taking to the street and protesting against “the unlawful lockdown demanded by brainiacs who believe in science.”

The Lint Screen dispatched a reporter who was expendable to cover this breaking story, and here is his report:

A group of about 100 protestors crowded the Ohio Statehouse in Columbus yesterday. They were angry at the “un-Constitutional lockdown” of people during the coronavirus pandemic.

“I don’t want to stay at home,” Carol Lumby said. “My kids are awful. I think this whole stink is about some fake virus made up by the fake news media. It’s all a big scary story to try and torpedo President Trump’s re-election. The liberals can’t stand that he’s made America great again!”

“That’s right,” agrees Dan Kolirew. “Trump inherited the worst economy America has ever seen from Obama–– the worst president ever. There was a depression, rats were in the streets eating children, and lazy people were driving Lincolns to collect their welfare checks. Then, Trump got into office and he brought the country back. Just like he always did in The Apprentice. The guy just knows how to fix any business. Hell, he’s even giving up billions of bucks a year he could be making so he can serve our country. We should all thank him. Being president is costing him billions. That’s the truth. Rush says so, Hannity says so, too.”

“Damn straight,” chimes Rex Turdrud. “Now, all the socialists are trying to cheat him and take away all our rights. Next thing, they’ll want my social security check. They’re killing the economy because they’re afraid a few people might die.”

“I say thin the herd,” Carol commands. “My grandparents never gave me anything. A buck for birthdays, ten on Christmas. Big deal. They’re cheap as hell.” She pauses. “Listen, if there really is a virus, it’ll do us a favor by taking down the weak links. I say if you let a little flu kill you, that’s your fault. I want to get back to work and make my $13.48 an hour and get our economy humming again.”

“And when we do get back to the Trump economy,” Rex says, “I know he’s going to super-charge it by giving big tax cuts to the job creators. And that’s going to trickle down to us and we’ll all get rich.”

“That’ll be nice,” Carol says. “Maybe I’ll get a fifty dollar-an-hour raise. Or some healthcare–– but not Obamacare.”

“Hell, no,” Dan says. “Obamacare’s the worst. Trump says he’s got a plan to give us incredible healthcare at a fraction of the cost of Obamacare. A helluva lot better coverage for next to nothing.”

“Can’t wait,” Carol says. “It’ll be good to get back to normal. I want to keep America great, and re-electing Trump is the only way to do that.”

“Damn straight,” says Rex. “He’s the only guy who ever looks out for the little guy.”

“Mitch McConnell, too,” Dan adds.

“Goes without saying,” Rex says. “The GOP always looks out for the common man.” The protestors high five one another.

“Hey, are you guys feeling kind of hot out here,” Dan says as he coughs.

“Maybe a little,” Carol says.

“Trump says heat’s good. It kills the virus,” Rex says. “And taking that drug with the funny name, that kills the virus, too.”

“If there really is a virus,” Carol says with raised eyebrows. She looks to her left as Dan collapses to the ground coughing. “Don’t be a damn sissy, Dan,” she says. “Get up and put your MAGA hat back on. We got to protest for our rights before guys like Fauci kill us!”

Dan brings himself to his knees, his breath heavy. Rex drops to the ground coughing and Carol pokes him with her “GIVE ME MY FREEDOM” sign.

Viva la liberation!

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).