New Samsung Galaxy S8 Extinguishes Itself

Following the embarrassment of the Samsung Note 7’s tendency to catch fire, the latest model addresses that possibility in an ingenious way. “It self-extinguishes,” beamed lead product designer Ramsey Leirom.

The tech wizard told The Lint Screen the thinking behind the new phone.

“The previous model would occasionally burst into flames, which, after doing some extensive consumer testing, we found was an issue for many people. Apparently getting burned was a problem, so we had to address that. We explored selling a companion asbestos glove for the S8, and then we found out there are a lot of bothersome environmental regulations restricting the use of asbestos. That was a nonstarter! So, we designed a self-extinguishing feature. When the S8 ignites, it’s able to douse itself, putting the fire out and leaving a user’s hand virtually unburned. We also incorporated technology that instantly triggers a call to the local fire department in case they’re needed. We believe this radical new phone technology will sell like crazy — or, as our launch ad campaign says, ‘They’re selling like hotcakes!’ That’s very clever, right! Hot-cakes!”

Right!

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of Ames Scullin O’Haire Advertising (ASO).

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen(satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).