Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago · 6 min. reading time · ~10 ·

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My Vacation and The Dirty Details I didn't Share (Inspired by John White)

My Vacation and The Dirty Details I didn't Share (Inspired by John White)

Tonight I read a post that John White wrote titled, "Here's What I didn't Post on Social Media This Week." John's post was a profound message about the trials and tribulations experienced that are not often talked about on Social Media. His post gave me the courage to write a few things about my vacation to Maine that I did not share on Social Media.  Thank You, John, for your frank honesty!  As John said (paraphrasing), we all share our best moments [snapshots of our lives] but many people never hear about the struggles we all face in one manner or another offline. Please read his blog if you haven't because I don't feel I can be as eloquent as John. 

As many of my friends know we spent a week on Penobscot bay in Maine at the beginning of May. It was a wonderful trip but it was not without a few major struggles for myself. I wish I could say it was the most relaxing trip I've ever taken but that wasn't the case. Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY thankful I was able to take this trip! 

Before I explain what happened, I need to share for those of you who aren't aware that I suffer from Panic Disorder and Anxiety Disease (many times both go hand in hand). Sometimes a panic attack seems to hit you like the flu that came on suddenly without warning. This happened to me more than once while on 'vacation.' 

I planned the itinerary so I have no one to blame

I was really excited to head to a specific lighthouse that had spectacular ratings on Tripadvisor. The lighthouse was called The Rockland Breakwater Lighthouse located in Rockland Maine.  Before I continue my story, I will post a photo of the Lighthouse, it's almost a mile walk out on the breakwater to get to this lighthouse. The photo below was shot while we were walking out towards the Lighthouse.

My Vacation and The Dirty Details I didn't Share (Inspired by John White)
When I began to walk on the breakwater I was having fun shooting photos of Eider Ducks I saw. I didn't feel anxious at all. When we were approximately 1/4th of the way out all of a sudden I became extremely dizzy. I told my husband I needed to stop for a minute to catch my bearings. I honestly thought the dizziness was from looking down as I walked and seeing the movement of the water in my peripheral vision. So, after a minute or so I decided I was ready to get moving again. Wrong! We might have walked about 12 more feet and I told him I needed to stop again. At this point my heart began to race, I was breathing fast (hyperventilating) without being aware that I was, my entire body broke out into a sweat even though it was only 48 degrees outside and everything was spinning around me. I had to sit. I didn't tell my husband how bad I felt because I didn't want to ruin his time. I knew he would suggest turning around if I told him. So, I just said let me sit and you go on, I will catch up with you. My husband kept walking as I sat against a large rock. Again, it felt as though the extreme dizziness had subsided and I decided to get up and try to 'catch up' with my husband. I think I was almost running because the dizziness came back with a vengeance. He made it to the lighthouse and I made it 3/4ths of the way and I had to sit again. This time, I had full blown vertigo, everything was spinning around me and I was afraid if I stood up I would lose my balance or pass out and fall into the water. Yes, I kept feeling as though I was going to pass out. Defeat FINALLY set it. I sat there crying hysterically! I was scared, humiliated and mad! 

My Husband Kept Turning Around and Yelling to Me

He kept asking me if I was OK? I was trying to yell back no... please come here. My husband couldn't hear me because the waves were crashing and it was quite windy. Finally, I screamed, "Turn the "F" around now!" I know, not a very nice word, but I couldn't even stand up on my own and my brain wasn't actually in a good place. He began to run because he thought I fell. With his encouragement to stand while guiding me with his hand because my legs felt like jelly, I was able to get up. The entire walk back was a nightmare. My vertigo didn't leave, my legs were weak, I was sweating profusely and I kept feeling as though I was going to pass out. Once we hit the shore, I ran to the car and cried uncontrollably. Thank goodness my husband actually understands that Anxiety Disease and Panic Disorder are real. He did everything he could to try and keep me calm. I'm sure it was frustrating for him but he never showed his frustration. I left my medicine in the car and I took one of my pills for panic. Within an hour,  I was feeling myself again with the exception of feeling as though I had let my husband down, even though he never made me feel that way. 

I'm embarrassed to Admit

We decided to climb up to the top of Maiden Cliff from Camden State Park in Maine. We got to the .5 mile marker point and I was already feeling a bit panicked. We sat on a log and my husband said, "Look, we only have a 1/2 mile to go and it doesn't look too bad." I looked up and saw nothing except boulders, big flat rocks at a fairly steep incline. I asked him "where's the path?"  He said, "That IS the path." Oh my freaking god, you've got to be kidding me, I thought. I said,  "I can't do that," as my voice became pitchier and a bit louder. Feeling dizzy and crying again, all I could think was- lovely, nice place to end up with vertigo; on a mountain. I'm happy to say I had my medicine and I did take it at that point. We made it to the top.  Going down the mountain was a challenge and I won't lie- it's not something I plan to do again. Just take me on groomed trails and I'm happy with that! 

A photo from the top of Maiden Cliff- 800 Ft 

My Vacation and The Dirty Details I didn't Share (Inspired by John White)

The Rock you see my husband standing on is quite like the rocks we climbed for a half a mile to get up to this point.

One view of the 'so-called path,' we were climbing.

My Vacation and The Dirty Details I didn't Share (Inspired by John White)


We were climbing just to the side of this small creek running down the mountain and it was just as rocky with some mulched wooded area's on the path.  I realize many people love the thrill of a moderate hike, I wish I could say the same because the scenery was beautiful. 

We arrived on a Saturday and by the time Thursday afternoon arrived I was feeling very ill. I later realized I had a bladder infection. I had a fever, I was in a lot of pain and had to call my doctor back home to ask her to order a prescription for me at a Pharmacy in Maine. I didn't call until Friday; I guess I thought the infection would magically disappear on its own. I laid in bed all day Friday because I felt too ill to get up. Friday was the ONLY day that the sun was out all day and the temperature was finally in the 60's. The temps stayed in the upper 40's and low 50's the entire week, except for our last day. 

The good news? I felt well enough to jump in the car for the drive home on Saturday. I have never been ill while on vacation and I've never had panic attacks in area's that were (or shall I say, felt) so remote. I am very appreciative that we were able to go but I realized when we returned home I needed to get back to the Doctor because my Anxiety Disease has escalated for some reason. With Anxiety Disease, I always tell people there are peaks and valleys. Sometimes you're in the valley for a long period of time and you can almost forget that you have this disease, that is, until it peaks again. I'm a work in progress. There are times I feel hopeless when my body/mind won't cooperate. I have talked to many who feel the same and one thing to remember- have your medicine handy at all times. As my doctor told me, just knowing you have it can act as a placebo effect; this is very true. I wish I would've had it when we were out on the breakwater. 

What did I learn from my most recent panic attacks?

  • I have a great support system - my husband, being my biggest supporter
  • Keep my medicine on hand at all times- it really can have a great placebo effect or works fast if needed
  • I won't allow my panic disorder to rule my life; keep moving forward and don't look back
  • It could have been worse, I always tell others that who have anxiety- I'm thankful for my physical health
  • I need to remember Panic attacks can come on without warning which means it's good to keep practicing meditation, deep breathing exercises, and mindfulness. These things do help but it's easy to forget to practice when life is flowing fairly well.
  • Keep remembering what I'm thankful for- my husband, my children, my entire extended family, laughter, food on my table, nature (yes, nature is healing), and even the many new people I've met on my social media journey, particularly on beBee, these people encourage me to keep writing authentically and I've learned so much from so many of you. 
  • My photography is also very relaxing, it's always great to find something that relaxing  and just pure enjoyment for you, photography has been my savior in many ways. 

I don't regret our vacation and I'm very thankful we were able to get away. Next time, I'm finding a place on the beach in a warmer climate and my outings will be for dinner or shopping only- if and when we can afford it. However, I still look forward to trying new things in the future! I won't allow anxiety to control me. It can visit and then leave, thank you!

Photo credits- Lisa Gallagher- All Rights Reserved

 May 2016,  Camden Hills Maine & Rockland Maine Breakwater


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Comments

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #19

Why thank you Karthik Rajan, great to see you here!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #18

#26
Thank you for your kind words @Diane Schultz. I must say, I don't feel brave and that may have something to do with the encouragement I've received from people like Deb Helfrich... Trent...... as Adele's song states, "Hello, can you hear me.. Hello from the other side"

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #17

#24
That's good news Loribeth Pierson, if I miss it please message me when it's up so I can read!!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #16

#22
Hi Aaron Skogen, you touched on a great point. I think many times when we can't function as we'd like (speaking of your accident), we may be our hardest critics. We get frustrated when we aren't seeing fast results, which I'm sure was true in your case. We get frustrated with pain and even fearful that thing won't look up. I guess the mind plays a big role with healing. Thanks for your kind comment and yes, agree... the more people who really do understand will hopefully not fear it and realize it's a medical condition. Appreciate your comment and glad you enjoyed the photos!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #15

Hi Pascal Derrien, I think it's therapeutic for others as well who are afraid to talk about it and feel so alone. Many people try to hide what they experience and it hinders healing and coping. Thanks and glad you enjoyed the photos!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #14

#15
Hi Kevin Pashuk, great way of putting it- the symptoms can be challenging at times but I don't let that stop me from living life. I appreciate that you read my post and your comment!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #13

#14
Hi Dean Owen, I didn't feel you trivialised what I wrote about. I can't imagine what you must have experienced. OCD shares some of the same symptoms of those who have Anxiety Disease, intrusive thoughts being a big one. If you decide to share- please let me know if I miss it! These are illnesses that shouldn't come with a stigma. Best wishes to you!! Thanks for sharing what you did Dean.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #12

#13
Good point , thanks!

Pascal Derrien

7 years ago #11

fighting Anxiety is a hard battle and I guess talking about it may be therapeutic ? Great shots btw :-)

Kevin Pashuk

7 years ago #10

Thanks for your openess Lisa Gallagher. We all come with our 'uniquenesses' and most of us can live a relatively successful life supported by family and community. While the things you shared are challenging, it was good to hear your perspective.

Dean Owen

7 years ago #9

Funnily I can totally relate to this feeling as it correlates to my startup journey. Not to trivialise what must have been a terrible experience for you Lisa. To be honest, I myself have had a breakdown experience related to OCD, but have not quite drummed up the courage to share it yet. You inspire me.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #8

John White, MBA thanks so much for sharing my buzz! A topic many don't feel open to talk about. I hope one day this is taken as seriously as any medical issue.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #7

PS: , your suggestion that my husband keeps one of my pills on him at all times is a great idea! I will take you up on that suggestion, thanks.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #6

#5
Hi Loribeth Pierson shared his story last night. I love it when people can share something personal. I feel like I know the person that much more and in some way we can all relate to one another when it comes to curve balls life does throw at each and everyone of us! Thanks Loribeth!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #5

#4
Hi John White, MBA, It so refreshing to read personal stories written by those we have gotten to know over time, and it helps me to feel a bit more connected when someone is able to share their human side. Your blog laid it out well last night with the "snapshots" your wrote about vs. behind the scenes that many of us don't know what a person is experiencing. A good reminder to all on social media and in life in general. John, I had no idea you suffered from anxiety attacks too? Lets just say it together- THEY SUCK! ;-) You don't have to answer this, but do you have medicine on hand for them? I like the term "Panic Buddies," haha! I've been open on Linked in about my anxiety and many people have private messaged me about theirs rather than post their story for co-workers or employees to read. My intention has been to try and break the stigma attached to it. I remind others the brain is one of our most vital organs and it can dysfunction just as any organ can in our body. We should not have to feel shame for something we don't have control over. Maybe we need a panic buddy hive! One prerequisite- must have wine and beer available.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #4

#3
Hi Franci Eugenia Hoffman, it's so nice to hear that music helped your anxiety! Sometimes if mine is mild music is my therapy! Being silly helps me too, laughter is certainly good medicine. Thanks for your nice comment Francie!!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #3

#2
Thanks Deb and it's ok to have your impatient side, we are all human! You are a very caring person and I think anyone who knows you, also knows that you care deeply. I won't lie, I have days that my anxiety is so bad it is hard to function but I have a stubborn side and maybe that's what has pulled me through even the toughest of days. I also love life too much and that is definitely a reason to keep pushing myself. Thanks for your nice comment & sharing a bit about yourself too!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #2

#1
, I'm SO happy deep breathing helps you! I wish it would help me when they are severe. Medicine is the only thing that does help at that point. I agree, humiliating someone for having a medical issue is down right mean. I saw a woman where I used to work make fun of another woman for having one (she did this behind her back, in FRONT of me) she didn't know that I suffered too. She sure found out after making fun of this woman. I don't tolerate inhumane people very well. I kept thinking, what if you (the mean woman) had a seizure and others made fun of you, how would that make her feel then?! Thanks for your comment Pam & sharing!

John White, MBA

7 years ago #1

Lisa Gallagher: wow, first off, I'm honored that my post inspired you to write this. What is totally ironic is that I too suffer from anxiety attacks. I know too well when you mention peaks and valleys. I've never written about my panic attacks before. So, now you have inspired me! Maybe we can be panic attack buddies? (Or something like that! Lol) 😎

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