'My Pillow' Dispatched to Front Lines of COVID-19 War

Donald J. Trump has declared himself "a wartime president," and now he has proven he truly is just that!

Donald J. Trump has declared himself "a wartime president," and now he has proven he truly is just that!

In a Rose Garden ceremony today, Michael J. Lindell, CEO of MyPillow Inc., sung the praises of his dear friend and our nation's leader in the battle against the coronavirus COVID-19 and the battle for our nation's soul. After the man with the rented mustache spoke, the president announced he was using the Defense Production Act to enlist the My Pillow manufacturer in his war.

"A lot of people are saying they are worried about the 'invisible enemy,'" Trump told The Lint Screen. "I made up the name 'invisible enemy' for the coronavirus. I also made up 'fake news,' 'good morning,' and 'New York Times Bestseller,' he said with pride. Anyway, I don't want people worrying and losing sleep over this pandemic–– which I knew was going to happen. I said it many times. So I'm enlisting Michael and his excellent company to make My Pillows for anyone who gets the awful disease. The one I always said was going to be a danger."

Trump pauses as if expecting applause, and when he hears none, he continues.

"I think in the long run, the pillows will be much more helpful than ventilators. Cuomo says he needs lots of ventilators, but I think people are stealing them. They must be. But I'll get him some eventually. Jared's still talking to GM and negotiating to get their friends and family discount on ventilators. Or, we might wait for the end of the year clearance sale. Our people are doing an amazing job. We'll see what happens."

The president wants anyone who falls victim to the virus to get a good night's sleep.

"It's important," Trump said. "I call sleep the 'resting time,' and when your head is on the fantastic My Pillow, you can't help but get a great night's sleep. Incredible night's sleep. Counting many sheep. So many sheep."

Michael J. Lindell agrees with the president.

"I designed My Pillow to give you the best possible night's sleep, and I'm proud to help my dear friend as he wins the war against 'the invisible enemy.'"

"Sometimes I call it 'the invisible scourge,'" the president said.

"You have a super-duper way with words, mister president, and you're doing such a great job," Lindell gushed.

"Thank you, Michael," said our fearless leader as he looked like he was posing for the sculptors chiseling his mug on Mt. Rushmore.

Donald J. Trump has declared himself "a wartime president," and now he has proven he truly is just that!

In a Rose Garden ceremony today, Michael J. Lindell, CEO of MyPillow Inc., sung the praises of his dear friend and our nation's leader in the battle against the coronavirus COVID-19 and the battle for our nation's soul. After the man with the rented mustache spoke, the president announced he was using the Defense Production Act to enlist the My Pillow manufacturer in his war.

"A lot of people are saying they are worried about the 'invisible enemy'," Trump told The Lint Screen. "I made up the name 'invisible enemy' for the coronavirus. I also made up 'fake news,' 'good morning,' and 'New York Times Bestseller' he said with pride. Anyway, I don't want people worrying and losing sleep over this pandemic–– which I knew was going to happen. I said it many times. So I'm enlisting Michael and his excellent company to make My Pillows for anyone who gets the awful disease. The one I always said was going to be a danger."

Trump pauses as if expecting applause and when none is heard, he continues.

"I think in the long run the pillows will be much more helpful than ventilators. Cuomo says he needs lots of ventilators, but I think people are stealing them. They must be. But I'll get him some eventually. Jared's still talking to GM and negotiating to get their friends and family discount on ventilators. Or, we might wait for the end of the year clearance sale. Our people are doing an amazing job. We'll see what happens."

The president wants anyone who falls victim to the virus to get a good night's sleep.

"It's important," Trump said. "I call sleep the 'resting time' and when your head is on the fantastic My Pillow, you can't help but get a great night's sleep. Incredible night's sleep. Counting many sheep. So many sheep."

Michael J. Lindell agrees with the president.

"I designed My Pillow to give you the best possible night's sleep, and I'm proud to help my dear friend as he wins the war against 'the invisible enemy.'"

"Sometimes I call it 'the invisible scourge,'" the president said.

"You have a super-duper way with words, mister president, and you're doing such a great job," Lindell gushed.

"Thank you, Michael," said our fearless leader as he looked like he was posing for the sculptors chiseling his mug on Mt. Rushmore.

After the press briefing, our investigative reporters discovered Lindell recently donated over $6 million to the Trump 2020 campaign. The cost to American taxpayers of each My Pillow will be $28, 985.00.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).