MS
Sounds like an unpleasant topic. It is and it isnāt. It all goes by what you are willing to accept. That said, MS is a pain in the arse.
I used to be able to type as fast as I thought. For a writer, this is a beautiful thing. Itās better than a roll in the hay. Itās better than almost anything. Now I hunt and peck with two or so fingers. I know people think that the voice recognition software should suffice, but Iām not good at that yet. My fingers flying across the keyboard was a wondrous thing. Perhaps Iāll adjust to that software at some point. I remember when my hands started crippling up. I prayed to myself; take my legs, not my hands. But I wonder now if I really meant that.
Underwear is a thing of the past. I wear Depends now. Yepāyou heard that rightāDepends. You have no idea how hard it is to give up underwear. Itās those little things you miss. I remember telling myself that this isnāt going to work anymoreāthat running to the bathroom every ten minutes to prevent accidents was a joke. Iāve been potty-trained all my life. Now I had to admit that was no longer true. Things beyond my control prevent control. I am content with my decision to move on.
Moving out amongst people is different. There are times I teeter-totter like a drunk, and I feel I have to explain to people I have a disease. Iāve read where people have been fired from their jobs because they were suspected of being drunk on the job, but they had MS! Iāve had people rush to catch me, but I assure them Iām fineāI have MS. I tried to get a job before my MS was too obvious, but failed. People wonāt hire you if youāre disabled. Oh sure, thereās a law against that, but rememberāthey just donāt have to tell you why they wonāt hire you. If they said, āWe canāt hire you because youāre disabled,ā I could sue the pants off of them.
My body is numb. Ā I rememberĀ the first time I scratched an itch and my fingernails couldn't seem to reach it through the flesh. Ā I had to stop scratching or I'd tear through the skin. Ā The itch reigned, and I waited for it to subside. Ā It's nearly an everyday occurrence now. Ā I sing a song in my head: I scratched the Itch and the Ā Ā Itch Ā Ā won....
Sex is a thing of the past--a distant memory. Ā I can't even tell when I have a UTI never mind enjoy such intimacies.
I think the thing I miss most is my hands. I used to service my computers, sand down my walls, cut my own damn toenailsā¦ All that is gone now. Typing be damnedāI canāt cut my toenails.
My days are loudly numbered. Ā But this is true for all of us. Ā The whispers in my ears are just louder than yours.
So Iām here today, and Iām glad of it. Iām speaking to you, and it gives me pleasure to do so.
Now if I could just get used to that damned recognition software.
Copyright 2017 Joyce Bowen
https://www.bebee.com/@joyce-bowen
https://www.linkedin.com/in/joyce-bowen/
https://joycebowen.wordpress.com/author/joycebowen/
https://medium.com/@joycebowen
About the Author: Ā Joyce Bowen is a freelance writer and public speaker. Ā Inquiries can be made at crwriter@comcast.net
Sobre el autor: Joyce Bowen es unĀ escritorĀ independienteĀ yĀ oradorĀ pĆŗblico. LasĀ consultasĀ puedenĀ hacerseĀ en crwriter@comcast.net
My Patron site. Ā Please support my work.
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Comments
Cyndi wilkins
7 years ago #31
Thank you Ben Pinto for her emotional honesty here and in her many other pieces. Unless we have walked in those shoes, it is impossible to understand the impact abuse has on the psyche...Perhaps the sharing of stories such as this will begin to turn the tides and shift our collective awareness to what we can do going forward to stop the downward spiral of disease that surely is a result of such trauma. Joyce has already done that in her life with the loving and responsible treatment of her own children. There are very many of us that can learn great things by her example. Thanks for the mention Ben...I appreciate it;-)
Cyndi wilkins
7 years ago #30
Yikes!...Not sure my heart can handle it...But good for you for writing about it...I use writing as catharsis too...Cheaper than a shrink;-)
Joyce š Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee
7 years ago #29
Cyndi wilkins You ain't read nothing yet. My mother was a psychopath. That might become obvious in some of my other posts. That setting in The View was rather idyllic by comparison.
Cyndi wilkins
7 years ago #28
Thank you for that...However, I do not consider myself unlucky really...It's feels more like being "strangely blessed". ..if that makes any sense. It has forced me to become accustomed to change and quite frankly, just live in the moment...Thinking too far ahead causes me a great deal of anxiety...I've already seen how ugly things can get, so I try to focus on living the best I can with each given day...Pain free is even better;-) I just read your post "The View" and I'm struggling a bit with that one too...It sounds to me like your mom had an undiagnosed situation going on with her...not that I am defending such retched behavior and her abuse of her family...But I'd be willing to bet she suffered some kind of trauma, perhaps in her own childhood, that she was never able to come to terms with...I don't believe people are "born to be bad." Someone hurt her too...I don't know if that helps at all, but perhaps considering that as a possibility might help you to feel some compassion for her somewhere in your being...A common thread you might share with the wounded child in her heart. Blessings to you...
Joyce š Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee
7 years ago #27
It's hard to find words to respond to you. I'm so sorry you have RR. We move on and deal day to day. It is what it is as the saying goes. Some of us are just unlucky. I wish you all the best.
Cyndi wilkins
7 years ago #26
Joyce š Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee
7 years ago #25
Aaron Skogen Thje honor would be mine.
Joyce š Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee
7 years ago #24
Joyce š Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee
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Joyce š Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee
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Joyce š Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee
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Joyce š Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee
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Joyce š Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee
7 years ago #19
Thank you, Gert Scholtz.. Words escape me.
Joyce š Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee
7 years ago #18
Thank you Kevin Pashuk
Pascal Derrien
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