Moore Rebuts Allegations; Offers Defense

Roy Moore is not going to allow “a gaggle of lying ladies” upset his bid to become an Alabama Senator. He spoke to The Lint Screen earlier today.

“It all a bunch of poppycock,” Moore said, responding to the many allegations of his pursuing underage girls when he was in his thirties. “These women are all coming forward now, decades later, with their wild stories, and they expect voters to believe them? Who do these liars think they are?”

Moore leaned forward in his chair and spoke earnestly. “I do not know these women, have never been with them, and deny all their wild claims. And even if I had done anything to them when they were in their teens, maybe they brought it on themselves. Lots of teen dress real sexy, you know. But I didn’t do anything. That’s all I’m saying. And I have the president of the U.S. of A., Steve Bannon, and the entire Republican National Committee backing me up. So good luck with all your crazy made-up stories, tramps!”

The judge’s face was red. “And if I did sign their yearbooks, maybe they entrapped me, you ever think of that? Maybe they asked me for my autograph and dictated creepy messages they wanted me to write. But that never happened. Those signed yearbooks are obvious forgeries. I am one hundred percent innocent. I go to church, for crying out loud!”

Moore took a deep breath. “All these silly lying ladies were hired by liberals trying to make me look bad. But it not going to work, no sir! Besides, all any voter needs to know is this — Roy Moore is not a Democrat. Case closed.”

Moore stood up. “I gotta go now. School’s out in twenty minutes.”

##########################################

Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).