Moore Blames Loss on God And Others

Judge Roy Moore lost his bid to be an Alabama Senator, but he thinks there’s plenty of blame to go around. The angry loser called The Lint Screen and gave us some exclusive quotes:

“By all rights, I should have won. The Big Guy blew it. I put all my faith in God, and He let me down. I don’t hold grudges, but frankly, I expected better from Someone who’s supposed to be all-knowing and powerful.”

“Look, I’ve spent my entire career sucking-up to God. I posted His Commandments everywhere. I told folks He was on my side, and I thought He was. Then this happens. I swear to God, I may start shopping for a new diety.”

“I also got cheated by the liberal media. They paid all those fillies to make up fake stories about me pawing them when they were teenagers. It was all a bunch of lies — but what do you expect from a bunch of love-starved ladies who were cuter when they were kids? Let me tell you something, they were much hotter when they had fewer miles on them.”

“Steve Bannon was no help, either. That guy smells like a garbage dump in August, and don’t even get me started on his breath. He’s a stink fog machine!”

“Trump didn’t do me any favors. He’s about as popular as a Rabbi with a sharp knife at a foreskin convention.”

“My Jew lawyer let me down, too. I doubt I got any votes because of him. Why, I’ve got half a mind to hire him to sue himself.”

“My wife was also a big problem. Lots of people probably didn’t vote for me because of her. She’s pretty old, you know. I may have to trade her in for a newer model.”

“I especially blame Doug Jones. I don’t know why he had to enter the race in the first place. He should have just dropped out for being a Democrat, then I would have won hands down.”

“It ain’t fair, none of it, but I’m not conceding. There’s no quit in this cowboy!”

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).