Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago · 3 min. reading time · ~10 ·

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Mixed Bag Of Emotions

Mixed Bag Of Emotions

Today I was reminded that it was almost a year ago when mom became bedridden. My sister sent out an email to our family asking us if we would like to honor Mom by making homemade gifts for Christmas in honor of my mom.

I never thought I would feel a mixed bag of emotions over such a simple request. At first, I felt a bit angry, “How dare my sister to ask us to duplicate what mom did,  and mention Christmas in the same sentence.” That thought went to, “Christmas, are you kidding me, I could care less about Christmas this year.” After a few more thoughts, I found myself questioning why it was I felt angry? I realized that it seems as though  last year seems like it was yesterday and mom was still with us, now we are facing our first Christmas without mom. When I realized that I still have feelings I haven’t dealt with, I was able to take a step back and understand that I wasn’t mad at my sister, I was mad at life.

My birthday is coming up and I’m not mentioning that for happy wishes. I found a card mom sent me last year and she signed it, “Love, Love, Love MoM.” MoM is not a typo, she always signed her cards like that but mom never wrote, “Love, Love, Love… it was always, “Love MoM and Dad.” I remember calling my sisters and telling them that mom knew her time was short. They didn’t believe me. I told them that mom never wrote, “Love, Love, Love, and I felt that was her way of conveying, “remember, I have always loved you and will continue to love you even after I’m gone. I think mom was doing a lot of introspection at this time in her life. She was slowly letting go but leaving us all with special, almost cryptic messages- at least that’s how it made me feel. I save all my cards and found her card to me from last October and it made me sad.  

Mom had a hard time conveying deep emotions so for her to write “Love, Love, Love,” to me had a deep meaning.  It’s funny because that’s where my mom and I differed. I’ve always been a fairly open book which drove her nuts at times- I can’t tell you how many times my mom would say, ‘Lisa, just turn the other cheek,” and my reply would always be, “Mom I can’t if I feel it’s important, there are times I can’t do that because I feel I’m not being fair to myself or others.”  Mom would just shake her head and give me a small eye roll.  It made me feel crazy at times when my mom would hold things in, instead of standing up for herself, maybe that drove me in the complete opposite direction, thinking, “ I won’t let people walk all over me?” At any rate, it doesn’t matter how or why we differed, we just did and I believe in the end we both learned valuable lessons from each other.


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If my mom knew I was writing about her, she would be mortified. Maybe not now but prior to her death, I really believe my mom would have given me her stern look, told me I shouldn’t be writing such personal stories for everyone to read and she would not have changed her stance on that opinion. I want to believe that she can understand now that it helps me to share how much she meant to me and how much I miss her. Mom would never talk about her cancer (diagnosis). If you asked her how she was feeling, he answer was always the same, “I’m fine, look at ‘so and so, they are suffering, I’m fortunate.”   Mom tried so hard to keep us from worrying, even though she had no idea we all worried or did she know? When we called Hospice for help mom asked us all, “Do you think I’m dying or something?” Of course our answer we NO, we just think you and dad need some extra help since you broke your arm.  Not one of us (her children) were ever able to get mom to open up about cancer and dying. I guess I still need to come to terms with that part because it haunts me at times wondering what was going through her mind that she didn’t share? Was mom scared? Was mom sad? Was mom in denial? Those are questions I will never have an answer to.

This much I do know, mom loved us all unconditionally. She would spend months working on homemade gifts for Christmas- these gifts are irreplaceable.  Many of her gifts were presented on the tables we ate at as centerpieces. Which brings me back to my sister’s email. Yes, in honor of mom I will tap into my creative side this year and make something to share with one of my siblings. After working through my anger, I realized my sister’s idea was one of love and I’m so thankful for her and my entire family. Mom will live on through all of us.

I have to admit, I’m not very crafty, so if anyone has simple ideas for a neat craft please feel free to share! Maybe I will put together a photo collage and frame it?  

Again, I can’t believe we are coming up on almost a year without mom. I swear it really does seem like yesterday I was still chatting with her and telling her to be careful when she went up or down the steps.  I try to remind myself that loss is part of life but it’s not comforting when you’re in the midst of pain.

One day I will be able to look back and share many happy memories without feeling tears. I know this- after losing my father. I never thought the pain would leave but it does. Eventually, we are left with beautiful memories that produces   smiles not tears.  I look forward to that day and I'm realistic that it will arrive! 


No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed


Header Photo Courtsey of Google Images: http://obviousmag.org/mais_uma_voz/EscreverPapelMesa.jpg

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Comments

Harvey Lloyd

7 years ago #44

#63
BeBee

Harvey Lloyd

7 years ago #43

#58
For me, the question, is it the platform or synaptic dust. Happy New Year

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #42

#59
Couldn't agree more Jared, compassion and even getting away from the madness is the sane thing to do. It's called self-preservation. Wow, I just heard on the news (speaking of death) Debbie Reynolds just died 1 day after her daughter Carrie Fisher. That Tony Soprano was one smart character... get in touch with too many feelings and yep, never shut up. Great quote, thanks for sharing it!! Sending good thoughts your way, sounds like it might have been a hard season for you too.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #41

#55
I'm so sorry to hear that Jared \ud83d\udc1d Wiese, I can't imagine doing something 'fun' or leaving a loved one on the day of a major surgery, furthermore... it's even sadder when the family was unaware that one person was the glue that bonded and once they are gone (with your example, the matriarch) and the family falls apart. I wonder how common this is? I fear that. I pray it doesn't happen. I'm just sorry and you hang in there too. I'm sure life can teach us tough lessons and we either become more compassionate because of them, or bitter. I choose compassion. Thanks for sharing!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #40

#54
How sweet Harvey Lloyd, I'm sure you would have gotten along well. Same, I have some notifications that are very old. I would assume that's something which will be fixed, they are working on so much for the NY! Thanks for you kind comments, appreciated.

Harvey Lloyd

7 years ago #39

#50
No need for apologies. I am really having trouble with keeping up with tags and other aspects of the platform. I guess some changes are in the works and i need to figure them out. Again your mom sounds like an amazing women. I would have enjoyed a conversation or two with her. She could have "learned" me something i am sure. Have great new year.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #38

Pt 2, sorry I wrote a buzz in response to your comment Jared \ud83d\udc1d Wiese Then they were sending out texts and including me in the texts saying how wonderful it was to get together and they shared their personal joys they had with each other on Christmas day. Contained within the texts were a few, "sorry you were sick, we missed you and hope your feeling better." They all know I hate texts for conversing. And, I almost felt like it was a slap in the face to include me in texts about their day together when I wasn't there and never heard from anyone personally. So I wrote in my last text, "Ok quit rubbing it in LOL. It still hurts that I wasn't able to be there, feeling a loss I can't explain. Love you all." That was ignored too. I ended up sending an email to my sister who initiated and wrote the most and told her how I felt. She got angry with me and I ended up reacting out anger too, telling her I don't want to talk, we will talk again someday when I'm better and people don't take me so personally." Yep, not feeling good about the outcome or even my own response. Sorry you were the one to get this story.. I think I'm feeling so confused. Thanks for your nice comment and right now I don't think MoM would be feeling very happy about all of this. :-(

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #37

#49
Hi Jared \ud83d\udc1d Wiese, I'm sorry for your losses too! It's never easy to watch someone die and then 'lose' them forever. It's a part of life but I'm sure we can all agree, it doesn't make it any less painful knowing this. Oddly, I became ill on Christmas morning and I wasn't able to be with my family. Once I was feeling better and had my wits back I felt so alone that evening. This year more than any other year, I really needed to be with my family. Maybe I felt there would be some more closure? At any rate I never received a call from my sisters on Christmas day or the next day. I thought maybe (ok, yes... here comes the expectations) someone would call later that night or at least the next day. Pt 1

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #36

#48
Hi Dorothy Cooper, I can't imagine how tough life has been on you. Six new joints, wow! Are you still bedridden or did getting new joints help you to rehab somewhat? Thanks for sharing your story and sending good thoughts!!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #35

#47
Hi Harvey Lloyd, I'm so glad a few people posted on this buzz in the last day because somehow I missed your comment and apologize. I love your description of reflection. I think you hit the nail on the head and it makes total sense. Even through grief we are all dealing with it differently, and I think we all have forgotten this on a given day which in some ways has drawn us apart instead of the glue that held us together. I guess we need to find our way back. I believe it's only temporary but it's evident even through my own actions or inaction. Good to keep in mind, thanks!

Harvey Lloyd

7 years ago #34

#45
I believe that we can all find some levels of being in tune with our emotions. These emotions get tested at small levels and we do seem to learn some system of management. The walk we speak of here though, doesn't dull an emotion, but rather rings it out so that we might see beyond the areas of our life that it had covered. The finality of the walk with no route of escape becomes a reflecting pool of ourselves, we are not always happy with the reflection. A process we would all like to avoid, and many do. I would imagine you took the courage to walk this journey. Never easy, but a step that only perseverance can show. Wisdom always comes at a price. Facing the reflecting pool at this level, i found, is indeed personal. Although personal, it is a journey we will all make at some point. Some of my family members did not have the courage to walk by this pool. I could only walk with them knowing they would eventually face the reflection. Avoiding this reflection requires lots of energy and from the outside it looks and shows as a misguided process of hiding. I offer this up only as a perspective of drawing the family together again. Each has to walk at their speed. Your wisdom can be shared at the pool when they return.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #33

#44
Thanks Deb Helfrich, hugs back at you!!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #32

#43
Hi Harvey Lloyd, I like the way you coined dying, "The walk with death." You're so right, it is both, private and a challenging journey. You sound like you are very in tune with others emotions. I've always felt I was fairly in tune too but I think sometimes just like any sense it gets dulled during a tough or sad time in our lives. I decided after writing this, a comment Pascal wrote, saying my sister is still grieving too, that it's time to reach out more to my family. We used to talk almost daily and it feels as that all came to a stop about one month after my mom passed. It's because everyone is going through it differently. I need to reach out more because I know I can. Realizing or knowing you the love within your family was never lost or gone is comforting. Thank you for sharing what you did, I really appreciate it. Yes, my mom was a selfless person :))

Harvey Lloyd

7 years ago #31

A walk with death is a private and challenging journey. I have walked with family members in both sudden deaths and also personally with those who walked slowly. The anger at first always gives way to compassion and a shared experience. Some family members didn't adjust well. The outcome after a few years was to look back and see how this journey changed my view of the person. Surely we were close but through differences of opinions we saw each other as needing feedback of approval and couldn't get it sometimes. After the journey we each realized we already had it and the shared love was shown. This seemed to make the walk bearable on my side and removed the fears on the other. Your mother sounds like she was an amazing person Lisa Gallagher.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #30

#40
What an amazing woman jesse kaellis, her plate sure was full. My brother lost his best friend in a canoeing accident. It was a beautiful day and they went out on the River. The river is calm with one exception, they hit a hydraulic and it sucked their canoe in. My brother said it just looked like a very small water fall. I was working at the hospital, we got a stat page to ER saying 2 six year olds were in the water. I was in Respiratory Therapy at the time and we were told to go back to the floors and continue our 'other' work until the ambulance arrived. I got a stat page by the ER supervisor and she asked me to meet her at the end of the hall I was working on. She said point blank, "One of the drowning victims is your brother." I freaked and asked where he was, she said, "He's in ER, in shock and needs you." Obviously at that point I was done working for the day. His friend came in about 20 minutes later and died. My brother had survivors guilt for a long time. He would spend 4 hours a day at Bob's grave (we weren't aware) until later. It took a long time for my brother to get over his loss, Bob was like a brother to him too. I think guys may grieve outwardly, different than females and they tend to hold a lot in. When my brother was finally able to talk about it, it seemed the healing began. I'm sorry your friends loss hurt you so much.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #29

#39
Thanks Ali Anani, I will check this out!

Ali Anani

7 years ago #28

#37
https://www.amazon.com/90-Second-Mind-Manager-Instant-transformation-ebook/dp/B00ZYMPVN0 This is the address to the e-book Lisa Gallagher

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #27

#34
Awe, thanks Sara Jacobovici and I send good thoughts your way too! We can never receive enough good thoughts, after all, that's good energy! Thanks for the *cough* birthday wishes LOL... I was trying to forget it this year. My daughter is so sweet, she called today and said "Mom, Joe and I want to make dinner for your birthday, how would you like us to smoke some meat and cheeses?" She's so thoughtful, and I feel so blessed to have children who care so much for others (not just for me). They really have great hearts, that is something to be so very grateful for!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #26

#33
I just followed Dr Edward Lewellen?

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #25

#33
How awesome that you wrote the forward to his book Ali Anani! I didn't know Dr. Edward Lewellen lost a daughter to cancer. I have to say, I would think losing a child has to be one of the hardest losses anyone could face in life. I think I may be on the right track then if remembering the good moments is healing. I'm trying. I cry when I remember, I smile... I feel change has been happening, it's slow but I can talk about mom many times without crying- I think that may be a good sign too? Thanks for your words of advice and always, your encouragement!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #24

#30
Hi jesse kaellis, I'm very sorry you lost your mom. It's true, we never forget... I think life just changes, we go on and find different ways to cope, move forward etc... Yes, every person's journey is unique to themselves. I see that within my own family. I remember reading your story about your friend, that was so sad. He must have been like a brother to you. Did grief counseling help? How noble of the woman (and probably helped her in many ways) that lost her daughter to a drunk driver and still channeled her energy in a positive manner. I can't imagine the pain she experienced. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who wondered what my mom was thinking when it finally hit her that she was dying. She always said, I wouldn't have gone through all these treatments if I didn't want to live, and I want to live! I too, think of death and dying on a personal level, I'm sure so many of us do. I have to believe in an afterlife, or I wouldn't be able to make it through this one. Thanks for your comment, for reading and sharing. Very appreciated! 25 years and you still cry, you loved him very much Jesse!

Sara Jacobovici

7 years ago #23

Straight from your heart to ours Lisa Gallagher. Sending you lots of healing energy and strength to get you through this time. I wish you a Happy Birthday!! Only good things. Lots of health, happiness and success.

Ali Anani

7 years ago #22

I wrote the forward for the e-Book "90-Seconds Mind Manager" by Dr. Edward Lewellen Eventually, we are left with beautiful memories that produces smiles not tears. I look forward to that day and I'm realistic that it will arrive! "- I say your innerself has guided you to the correct conclusion.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #21

#27
Thanks Franci Eugenia Hoffman, sending warm thoughts your way and to all who have lost loved ones. They sure are hard times but we can all do our best to make them as happy as we can, right?

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #20

thank you for your comment Maria Teresa Redondo Infantes

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #19

Thanks for sharing this Milos Djukic, my friend!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #18

#21
Thanks , I think writing stories like this and interacting with all the positive feedback brings me back to a place of peace. All of the comments others leave help to center me, not sadden me. And so many have lost, it's always good to be able to share stories and be there for each other! Appreciate your kind comment.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #17

#20
Fatima Williams, 2 years also feels like yesterday, I'm sure!! I bet you DO miss him tons. Awe, he passed on his birthday? That has to feel bittersweet. My mom and son shared the same birthday. If it makes you feel any better, my daughter in law became pregnant with her first baby (her dad's first grandchild) when he was diagnosed with Cancer. He passed before she had the baby- so I think we can't stop fate as much as we'd love to! I'm sure your dad is smiling down on his beautiful daughter, so proud because she's a beautiful soul. And I understand what your mom goes through, my mom was single with 5 children for years before she met my stepdad, it wasn't easy being the woman and the man of the house. At least she knows she has you to watch out and be there for her, and remember your dad is not far away :)) Hugs!!!

Mohammed Abdul Jawad

7 years ago #16

Lisa Gallagher I am moved by your story that speaks how one when bereft of dear ones becomes lonely. May your dulcet past revive beauteous memories to recall your dear ones, may you feel their presence remembering their echoing love and words.

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

7 years ago #15

#9
This November 14th will make it 2 years and a half. Its his birthday tòo. We miss him so much.. I still remember him asking "" Will you get married this year baby girl, I wish i had said yes May he would be still living for my sake. HUGS to you dear Lisa Gallagher when you dont have a man in the family everyone tries to take advantage, but my mom is the man and my strength and my brave mom now and I love her for that.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #14

#18
A very nice way to look at it Mark Blevins, thanks- it is comforting to remember that!

Mark Blevins

7 years ago #13

you don't really die, you just Pass On

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #12

Pascal Derrien, I meant to add, yes, she is still grieving. My entire family is and I'm so thankful we can talk to each other and even cheer each other up. One of mom's greatest gifts, unconditional love that was contagious our entire lives. I'm lucky to be part of a large family that all gets along so well.

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #11

#14
This is very true Franci Eugenia Hoffman and all of us keep reminding the other when someone in the family is having a tough day that mom would want us to be smiling. I agree, Pascal's idea was wonderful. I forgot to add that yes, my sister is still grieving and the email she wrote was probably cathartic, knowing mom would be smiling if we all did this. I suggested we also write something we were thankful for over the years about mom or even each other, then put it into a bowl and we all read whichever one we choose out loud to everyone at Thanksgiving. Even my stepfather needs this!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #10

#13
Wow Pascal Derrien, now that's a great idea! I need to go to a craft store and possibly find some wood to put it on. I think I would transfer it to material first then wood. I love this idea!

Pascal Derrien

7 years ago #9

why don't you write about her or a place she liked, frame the letter and make it a present to your sister :-) she is grieving too Lisa Gallagher

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #8

#8
Thanks for reading Praveen Raj Gullepalli. Isn't there a song with the words, 'love, love, love" in it? If not I just made up one in my head ;-) It's true, we will never know what she was thinking, I guess it was meant to be that way and I need to find a way to accept that. So many times I swear I feel her right next to me!!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #7

#7
Hi debasish majumder, your words echoed. We were blessed with love, not everyone can say that. When I think on those terms I feel so very grateful. I appreciate your kind words!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #6

#6
I'm going to look on pinterest tonight Dean Owen, there really are great ideas for homemade gifts, so yes- that's what I'm going to do :)) I'm not mad at life constantly, just momentarily it makes me feel that way. I know this will pass eventually. Yes, love is eternal, I love those words to hang on to. Thanks so much Dean for your friendship!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #5

#5
Hi Fatima Williams, I can only imagine how hard it was to lose your dad, and I'm so sorry. How long has it been now? I think we always thought my mom would live a very long life, she was a mover and a shaker! Her diagnosis came as a surprise. You know something Fatima, after I read your words, "embrace her smile," I looked over a photo I keep near my computer of her with my kids and there she was smiling, almost like- Hey stop feeling sad, I'm OK now!! Thank you for your kind words and I send smiles and hugs your way too! I know I will get through this. I've had some very good days but I think like the tides, the sadness comes and goes especially with the first holidays approaching and they meant so much to mom. We will honor her with the love we all have for each other!

Dean Owen

7 years ago #4

Start making homemade gifts for Christmas. Make loads. Celebrate your mother's life and cherish the memories. Over Christmas, share stories of your mother whether they make you laugh or cry. Write about your mother for as long as it takes. And don't be made at life. The love you share for your family past and present is eternal.

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

7 years ago #3

Lisa Gallagher " Eventually, we are left with beautiful memories that produces smiles " Your MoM must be smiling down at how well you know her and even more happy that you've decided to make gifts like she used to. These little things we do, are a way of showing their physical presence in our lives as we know they live in our hearts eternally. Losing my DAD was by far the hardest things my mum and two sister's had to do as we did not ever think that he would leave us. We simply had this blind faith that he was our IRON man and death can never win him but it eventually did. For me Death becomes a sacrament in life like birth, marriage and so on and when we accept that it one day has to comes to us we eventually forget worrying about it.Sorry I'm sharing my story here but I just want you to know that even though I can never understand how you feel now I have been in that same place like yourself. When you wrote about your MOM and your declaration of your love for her , that feeling and smile that came on your face is what I would love for you to embrace today and forever, because that is what your MOM left with you a piece of herself and that is YOU. So a big HUG to you and some request to your God & your MOM for some extra blessings on you and your family in addition to what I know is bountiful from her. " Every emotion can never be understood until and unless we have felt it ourselves" - Fatima

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #2

Hi Irene Hackett, thanks for your kind comment. I'M thinking a photo collage would be a great idea too. PINTEREST is another wonderful idea I didn't think of using! I used pinterest to plan my daughter's bridal and baby showers, so many creative things to choose from. Thanks for that idea!

Lisa Gallagher

7 years ago #1

#1
Michele Williams, I thought I was one of the only late nighters lol! Thanks for reading and appreciate your comment.

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