MCCONNELL VOWS TO “OPEN A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS” ON OBAMA
Sen. Mitch McConnell is known for being one chill dude (“don’t bogart that blunt, bitch” is his common refrain in Senate chambers), but former President Barack Obama has got his dander up.
“That black guy needs to learn to learn how to shut his pie hole,” McConnell told The Lint Screen. “Or somebody’s going to shut it for him. Namely, this bad hombre.”
The leader of the senate is furious because the ex-prez recently slammed his main man, President Donald J. Trump. Obama claimed Trump mishandled the coronavirus pandemic.
“The president has done an amazing job,” McConnell crowed. “The U.S. is number one in the world for testing. Anyone who wants a test can get a test. Even if you don’t want a test, we’re going to give you one, just because we have so many damn tests! And we didn’t get healthcare workers PPE; we got them something much better–– The Blue Angels flying overhead in honor of them!”
McConnell thrusts a victory fist in the air as his old man arm flab flaps in the wind.
“Thanks to President Trump, we have had very few coronavirus cases and deaths–– almost none. He’s made it possible for us to safely open the country up and get the lazy serfs back where they belong–– working! And they better not start bellyaching for more money or healthcare. Shut up, peons, eat your gruel and get back to work! Don’t make me crack the whip.”
McConnell spits on the ground, gets winded and doubles over, then catches his breath.
“Obama had better watch himself,” Merciless Mitch says as he cracks his knuckles. “I’ve been deadlifting heavy sacks of cash from lobbyists for years. I am one ripped mofo. And if Obama keeps serving his loudmouth soup, I swear I’m going open a can of whoop-ass on his black ass.”
McConnell pops a muscle and collapses on the ground.
“I mean it,” he shouts.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.
He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).
Articles from Patrick Scullin
View blogTrump’s butt plug speaks against counting all the votes cast in elections. · Texas Sen. Ted Cruz is ...
Sen. Hawley claims he loves “working out at work.” · Anyone who knows Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley will ...
Trump takes the Fifth Amendment over 450 times and says he doesn't "have to say nothing to nobody." ...
You may be interested in these jobs
-
Team Member Weekend Closer
Found in: Talent US C2 - 7 hours ago
Planet Fitness - NJ/MA One World Fitness Cherry Hill, United States Part timeJob Summary · The Member Services Representative will be responsible for creating a positive member experience by providing a superior level of customer service to Planet Fitness members, prospective ...
-
Licensed Practical Nurse
Found in: Talent US 2A C2 - 2 days ago
North Shore Healthcare, LLC Minnesota, United States Part timeLicensed Practical Nurse (LPN) - Offering a $7,500 Sign-on Bonus for Full-Time · or a $3,750 Sign-on Bonus for Part-Time · Compensation scale $ an hour based on experience · Great Shift Differentials ...
-
Mechanical Laboratory Technician 1
Found in: Talent US C2 - 3 days ago
California Baptist University Riverside, United States StaffPosition Summary Information · Summary The Mechanical Lab Technician I role provides essential support to the College of Engineering assisting faculty members, staff, and students, in projects and ma ...
Comments