McCONNELL SETS RULES FOR IMPEACHMENT TRIAL

Sen. Mitch McConnell is one crafty rascal.

“I’m like an episode of Law and Order –– I want justice and good acting with supportive sponsors,” the debonair silver fox cooed to The Lint Screen.

Here are the rules he has drafted for the upcoming Senate impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump.

• All Senators must pledge allegiance to the President before the trial starts, those who refuse will be considered treasonous and sent to the gallows for immediate execution
• There shall be no references to The American Constitution, a document that is hopelessly outdated and difficult to understand
• “Shifty Adam Schiff” must be muzzled at all times with hands and feet bound
• There shall be no questions about perfect phone calls made by the President, those who dare question his actions will be guilty of treason and sent to the gallows for immediate execution
• There shall be no evidence allowed about the President trying to influence foreign governments to interfere with American elections, to do so would be against the free market system for which we stand
• “Facts” will be inadmissible to minimize paperwork and keep our planet green
• There shall be no witnesses or documents introduced in the trial, an overload of information will confuse Senators
• Democrats must use Jeopardy rules–– no questions are permitted, ever!
• Vladimir Putin will be allowed to testify as a character witness for the President
• All Senators must cast a “not guilty” vote for impeachment, to do otherwise will be treasonous, and offenders will be sent to the gallows for immediate execution

McConnell is confident with these rules in place the public can witness justice in America.

He chortled, and his neck warbled like Jell-O in an earthquake.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).