LINDSEY GRAHAM UNPLUGGED

U.S. Sen. Lindsey Graham passed his audition for Attorney General last week at the Brett Kavanaugh hearings. He stopped by The Lint Screen offices to dispense some of his unique brand of chill.

Here are some of the insightful pearls the easy-going politician dispensed.

“It’s outrageous what passes for entertainment these days. Game of Thrones is a joke. Absolutely ridiculous. That stuff never happened. Dragons? Witches? Seriously?! What do you take me for, an idiot? It’s a big fat pack of lies. It’s all fake!”

“Judge Kavanaugh is a saint. Maybe the greatest man to ever walk the planet. Sorry, Jesus, but you’ll always be God to me. Brett Kavanaugh went to Yale for Pete’s sake! It’s outrageous anyone questions his past. It’s his future that matters and I want to see him spend the rest of his life on the Supreme Court bench giving his special brand of reasonable, cool-headed justice. Anyone who stands in the way of Judge Kavanaugh should know that you will be remembered. I’m making a list. And when we pass our enemies of the state legislation, every name on my list will be sent to the prison camps. Bank on it!”

“Missionary position, the best. The way God intended. Case closed. Glowing Triangle and The Bridge, sometimes, if you want something kinky.”

“Rosenstein, Mueller, all these guys in the Justice Department have got to go. You are not helping our leader make America great again, and so you are committing treason. I’ll say it again; you will be remembered on the list I’m making and you will pay the price for disobedience.”

“The rule of law is sacred. It’s what separates us from the animals. That, and our ability to shop online and fluff pillows before bedtime.”

“Peanut butter and jelly is the greatest sandwich ever. The greatest, the best bar none! Ham and cheese? Give me a break. It’s doo-doo. BLT? Get off your high horse and get real. BLTPBJ, maybe, but no to BLT — absolutely not! PBJ all the way, that’s what I say. And so help me God, I’ll kill any man who says anything different. Stab them in the throat with my Pilot pen. I’m talking to you, Dick Durbin! Watch your butt, buddy, or you might bleed out on the Senate floor.”

“Integrity is the most important characteristic of any man. Anyone who says anything different should die a slow painful death. Integrity, always!”

“John McCain was a good friend. I loved him dearly and I miss him, but he never should have been captured in Viet Nam. I agree with President Trump, I like my heroes not to get captured. Sorry, John. And you were also disloyal to Trump. Big mistake, buddy. Rest in peace.”

___________________________________________________________________

Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.