LINCOLN EXITS REPUBLICAN PARTY, “IT IS WRETCHED, AMORAL, SHAMELESS”

“The Party of Lincoln” no longer has Lincoln.

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States of America, has had enough. “I can’t take these damnable liars anymore,” Lincoln told The Lint Screen appearing in our offices. “Today’s Republican Party is a contemptible amoral pack of craven, cynical hypocrites, and I won’t have them sully my good name any longer.”

Lincoln said he was hoping the GOP would come to its senses after disgraced twice-impeached President Donald Trump lost his re-election bid.

“It was an opportunity for good people to purge their evil spirits. But instead, these fools follow that horse’s ass, Trump, like he’s a god,” said the bearded ex-prez. “I’ve never seen anything so pathetic and disgusting. Donald Trump claims he won the election. How is that possible? Does he add numbers differently? Biden got over seven million more votes. It is ridiculous. As I once said, ‘No man is good enough to govern another man without that other’s consent.’ The people spoke clearly at the ballot box- they do not want Trump. Still he persists in his lies and pursuit of power. The man is a liar, an enemy of truth, the likes of which we have never seen before.”

Honest Abe was especially incensed as he witnessed the Capitol insurrection on January 6th.

“I used to say, ‘America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.’ And that is what we witnessed as angry mobs stormed our government in hopes of overturning a free and fair election. They wanted to kill the vice president and all who stood in the way of Trump remaining in office. Now, these so-called Republicans wish to deny reality. They want to rewrite history. Trump and his followers are enemies of democracy. And that is the danger of this tribe, for as I’ve said many times, a house divided against itself cannot stand. There is but one reality, and it is not the one Trump wishes would be.”

Lincoln’s ghost shook its head in disgust.

“It is as if our tragic Civil War never occurred. Have we forgotten the rivers of millions of brothers’ blood spilled on American soil to ensure freedom for all– the fight to protect the proposition that all men are created equal? I believe some have forgotten or wish to ignore for these so-called Republicans are working to restrict voting rights. They wish to measure freedom by placing their finger on the scale of fair elections. These wretched people are like Trump, their master– they are cheating bounders. To quote me yet again, ‘Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves, and, under a just God cannot retain it.’“

Lincoln sighed, then his weathered face transformed into a slight smile.

“I reckon I was not too poor with the turn of a phrase. I shall leave you with one more for contemplation. ‘To hell with Trump and his acolytes. We must purge these enemies within, and I will not allow them to do their insurrection in my name. Lincoln out!'”

And with that, Lincoln’s ghost flipped a bird and vanished in a puff of smoke.

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