Kemp Opens Chain of Funeral Homes, Sees Big Opportunity

Before he became Georgia's governor, Brian Kemp was a successful businessman making money in agribusiness,  financial services, and real estate. Now he has set his astute business mind to a new industry–– death!

Kemp came to The Lint Screen offices to discuss his new business venture.

"My daddy always told me, he said, son–– when opportunity knocks, you better dang well answer the door fast," Kemp says as he relaxes in a leather wingtip chair holding a Waterford crystal tumbler of Pappy Van Winkle. "And right now, I hear opportunity nearly knocking the door down in the funeral business."

Kemp is seated six feet one inch away from this reporter wearing a hazmat suit. He crosses his legs, torches a Don Carlos Edicion de Aniversario cigar, and continues speaking through a fog of smoke.

"I've been noticing the death rate lately in America is rising," he says, leaning forward. "So, with the financial backing of Sen. Kelly Loeffler and some others, I've been buying up funeral homes all across Georgia. We've got sixteen of them so far, and we'll be re-branding them Kemp Gates of Heaven Funeral Homes. I think people in Georgia just naturally trust the name Kemp –– and hot dog, who doesn't want to go to heaven? It sure beats the alternative," the goofy guv says, and he gives a wink and barks a laugh. He calms down from his hijinks, takes a contemplative draw on his stogie, and continues.

Kemp says he is fortunate to have good friends like Kelly Loeffler and her husband Jeffrey Sprecher, the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange.

"They are some right smart people," Kemp says. "They've made some very savvy investments recently playing some hunches they had about businesses that might do well in the pandemic. Those investments have paid handsome dividends, and I am honored they trust me enough to give me the financial backing for my new enterprise."

Kemp is asked his reaction to President Donald Trump's comments yesterday that he did not agree with Kemp's decision lifting restrictions for certain businesses in Georgia starting tomorrow.

"I love the president," Kemp says. "I will always support him. Always. But sometimes a man just has to do what he has to do. I want to liberate Georgia. We've gone long enough without bowling or getting some new body art."

Kemp finishes his Pappy, smashes the tumbler, and tips the ash off his cigar to the floor.

"I've got to run," he says. "I have a Zoom meeting in ten minutes with some funeral directors. Opportunity's knocking, and this good ol' boy is answering the door!"

He exits, whistling Georgia On My Mind with a spring in his step.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).