Jared Wants All Americans To Be Proud of USA's Stockpile

Anyone who says Jared Kushner is a cold-hearted prick who would be nowhere without nepotism, a silver spoon in his mouth, and the stick up his ass doesn't understand this complex man.

The president's son-in-law sat down in the offices of The Lint Screen and talked about his management of the federal stockpile of medical equipment.

"We are in a pandemic," the shiny-faced manchild said. "And we can't allow that to deplete our federal stockpile. All of these governors–– and let me tell you, there are a LOT of them–– keep asking for medical supplies from us. If we were to send our stockpile to them, where would that leave us? It just doesn't make any sense."

Kushner takes umbrage at those who do not understand the reason the United States has a federal stockpile.

"We have warehouses, large warehouses, where we keep all these medical supplies. The boxes are stacked symmetrically. It's beautiful, like that last shot in Raiders of The Lost Ark. Rows and rows of neat stacks. If we started sending out our stockpile of ventilators, masks, protective clothing, helmets, goggles, and other stuff, it would ruin the clean look we have achieved in the warehouses. States need to get their own damn stockpiles and stop trying to mooch off us."

Ivanka Trump's husband gives a confident smile and rubs his hands together greedily.

"I think every American should take great pride in the beauty of our federal stockpile. It's awe-inspiring. One of the best sights in America. The kind of thing you'll remember on your deathbed."

The dimwit, who got into Harvard when his daddy made a $2.5 million gift to the Ivy League mecca, puffs his chest like a macho man and continues.

"The sooner these governors solve this national crisis, the better. They need to handle this pandemic, make it go away so we can restart the economy, and get back to re-electing the greatest president we've ever had–– Pop-Pop!"

Editor's note: Kushner Industries owns the warehouses housing the federal stockpile and charges the government rent of three gazillion dollars a year.

________________________________________________________________________________________

Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).