JARED PUT IN CHARGE OF RACE RELATIONS IN AMERICA

Donald Trump is disturbed by some of the images he has seen on cable news.

“It looks like some people are upset,” the president, sequestered in his fortified bunker deep beneath the White House, told The Lint Screen. “I don’t know how anyone could be unhappy. I’ve been doing a great job on the pandemic, and I signed a bunch of $1200 checks to bail people out. You would think everyone would be thanking me–– but I guess there’s no pleasing some people.”

Despite all he has done in making America great again, he has seen the news reports of people protesting and rioting all across his country.

“I don’t get it,” he says with a shrug. “They say some people think there’s a problem with cops busting black people. I’ve told the police it’s okay to rough up criminals, got to teach them a lesson. But maybe a bad apple or two in the police department have spoiled it for everyone else. Whatever it is, these protesters seem pretty upset about something, so I’m going to fix it.“

True to his word, the president has charged his son-in-law Jared Kushner with solving race relations in America.

“Jared’s an incredible guy,” the prez boasted. “He was smart enough to marry my gorgeous daughter, he beat me to the punch on that,” the portly man says with a chuckle and wink. “And Jared brought peace to the Middle East; no one thought it could be done. He made opioid addiction in the U.S. disappear, he’s been a pandemic all-star, and has always done a tremendous job with everything. I call him my personal ‘Mr. Fix It’ because that’s what he does–– fixes issues. Here he comes now.”

The lanky young man enters the bunker dressed in a $4,000 Dolce and Gabbana tailored suit and a $250 Gucci tie. He moves like a marionette as he approaches and sits with us to talk about his plan to settle the country.

“I think I understand where my black brothers and sisters are coming from,” he says with a nervous smile. “They do not feel as if they are getting a fair shake with the fuzz. I can dig that, man,” he says, as he gives a thumbs-up sign. “I will call a black leader and ask him to, ‘Chill, dude. It’ll all be cool, my man. Word.’ And that should settle things down quickly.”

This reporter asked why he doesn’t just go out into the streets and talk directly with protest leaders, and Kushner bristles.

“I’ve got a lot on my plate,” he says. “I think a phone call will do the trick.” His father-in-law nudges him.

“And, Jared, don’t forget to tell the blacks to vote Trump in November,” the prez says. “What have they got to lose?”

That MAGA train keeps on a-rollin’!

________________________________________________________________________________________

Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).