Ivanka Speaks Out About Hunter Biden's "Outrageous Nepotism"

Ivanka Trump is the apple of her father's eye. As the president has said, he'd probably date her if she wasn't his daughter.

And everyone knows, Donald J. Trump has a keen eye for the ladies!

But perhaps the sexiest thing about Ivanka is not her perfect 10-bod, but her massive brain (what else would you expect coming from the loins of a very stable genius?). Truly Ivanka is a brilliant, sexy businesswoman who has made her own way.

Because she is such a self-starter, Ivanka is enraged by the blatant nepotism enjoyed by Hunter Biden.

“It’s outrageous Hunter Biden capitalized on his father’s name,” Ivanka told The Lint Screen. “I honestly believe I’m a better person because I am self-made and wasn't granted favors by my successful father. I wanted to be me, pull myself up by the bootstraps, and find my own way. Success, if not a sexually-transmitted disease, people share. Each of us must earn it.”

And earn it she has! Ivanka is a mover and a shaker whether it’s paving new stylish inroads on runways of the fashion world, or commanding respect in the corridors of political power–– from Washington, D.C., to G-8 summits, to Air Force One.

Ivanka said she and her siblings were all instilled with an ambitious drive for excellence and appreciation of hard work at an early age.

“Because Daddy was a self-starter himself, he wanted to share the gift of enjoying hard work with us,” she recalls with her big dewy, dreamy brown eyes. “Daddy came from very humble beginnings. He wasn’t given anything.”

Indeed! The story of Donald J. Trump is now legendary–– how he was born into abject poverty and once admitted to his father, he had chopped down a cherry tree. The little boy “was beaten to within an inch” of his life by his father. “It was very unfair,” the president would recall in later life.

But the little boy dared to dream. With wooden blocks (made of cherry!), he built the prototype of a great building, and thus the skyscraper was born. Little Donnie Trump had changed the landscape of the world by taking buildings vertical–– offering the joys of his hard work to God in heaven who he loved so much.

In the process, he became the richest and most successful businessman ever. Clearly, his bombshell daughter is proud of her papa!

“Daddy raised us to learn the value of a dollar and respect hard work,” she said. “He would not allow us to fire a servant until we were eight-years-old! I didn’t get a black AmEx until I was almost sixteen. And poor Don Jr., he didn’t get his first Mercedes until he was eighteen. And Eric didn’t get a multi-million dollar real estate contract until he was nineteen.” She gives a wry laugh. “No one gave us anything, so we made our own way.”

Ivanka Trump thinks each person must find success on their terms, no matter what the obstacles.

“If you look at me, Don Jr., and Eric, you see ambitious people who have made their own ways all by themselves. We didn’t need handouts or ask for favors. And we certainly didn’t cash in on our father’s good name. But Hunter Biden was a parasite on his father, Joe Biden. He used the vice president’s name and power for his own benefit, and he profited by it. Hunter should be ashamed of himself. What a loser!”

No wonder Ivanka is daddy’s little dreamgirl. She has a moral compass that always points to true north. Who wouldn’t want to date her? She’s smokin’ hot and smart as a whip!

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).