It Sure Wasn't A Day At The Beach

I'd like to keep the topic and discussion alive about Anxiety Disease along with Depression. I will try to do this through a series of stories, with the hope people will better understand the complexities of this illness.  People who have anxiety disease don't always have depression and vice versa.  If either illness lasts for any length of time eventually the person afflicted will be plagued with both illnesses.

In 2008 I asked my sister if she wanted to vacation with me in Myrtle Beach, SC. My sister was excited that I asked her and she said yes.  I am a planner because it keeps me centered. Don't get me wrong- I don't plan out each day, but I do put a lot of time into planning my getaways!  

I have a list in my mind of things that will keep me in my comfort zone while away. One of those things on my list is the Condo and what it offers. It doesn't have to offer a resort type of atmosphere, actually I prefer not to vacation at family type resorts. They are too busy and tend to make my head spin. What I want is safety, cleanliness and comfort.  I always choose one of two places in Myrtle Beach: The Margate Towers or Maisons Sur Mer. I would highly recommend either of these Condos (Masions is less pricey) if you're ever planning a trip there. Familiarity for a person with Anxiety disease is important. 

Our week started off great with daily trips to the beach.  When I wasn't swimming in the ocean, or sunning, I was at the Tiki bar sipping a Pina Colada. Normally wine would be my drink of choice, but not while outdoors, under the palm trees.  Ok, for anyone wondering- yes I drink water too! 

We would stay on the beach until approximately 3 pm each day. When we went back up to our Condo I would pull out all my brochures. I'd sit with my sister each afternoon on the balcony deciding together where we wanted to eat and visit after our dinner. My brain tends to go into overdrive when I'm presented with so many places. I'm sure I drive others nuts with my ideas- "We can eat here, or this place offers this, or if you want we can just stay in and order pizza." My head is beginning to spin and I'm not even aware of it. 

I wanted this vacation to be perfect for my sister because she had never been to Myrtle beach. One evening I was determined to find a nice waterfront restaurant with outdoor seating. It's amazing how few waterfront restaurants they have in the area. I finally found one! Next on the agenda- plan our evening out after we ate. I showed my sister a brochure of Broadway at the Beach and she was excited to hit all the shops after our dinner. I was excited to bring her there because it wasn't my first time. I was just excited- I had nothing I was worrying about to my knowledge. 

We had a nice dinner and headed to Broadway at the Beach. I parked the car and we walked through the entrance. There were so many people there. I don't recall Broadway at the Beach being that busy before. As soon as we became part of the crowd I began to feel extreme dizziness. I tried to ignore the dizziness, but it wasn't going away. I didn't want to ruin my sister's time, so I downplayed how I was feeling and said I needed to sit for a second, I must have over did it.  Panic began to set in- which isn't uncommon if you've experienced an anxiety attack in the past. Once the panic begins so does the perfect storm. 

We sat on a bench for about 3 minutes and I told her I felt I could walk. I was lying yet hoping the more we walked it would just disappear. My symptoms were not lessening,   and the dizziness was getting worse the more we walked. I also felt suffocated by all the people walking around. I told my sister I would have to sit again because my dizziness wasn't going away. We got to the next bench and I plopped my arse down again! There was a coffee shop across from where we were sitting and my sister asked if I wanted some coffee? I thought maybe sipping on something warm might help, so I said sure. I asked her to get me a decaf caramel latte. I was praying by the time she returned my symptoms would begin to subside. I felt humiliated, frustrated and scared. 

When she returned we both sipped our coffee. My hands were now shaking, I was sweating and felt as though I wasn't all there. The coffee did not help. So I pleaded with her to please go and visit some shops while I sat on the bench. I was hoping by the time she returned my anxiety attack would finally be over.

My sister didn't want to leave me, but I insisted. I felt bad that I brought her there only to end up sitting. While she was gone I took my 'emergency' medication I had on hand for anxiety attacks. The medication did not work. By the time, my sister returned I was spinning, and it looked like everyone around me was spinning too. I felt nauseated, and still had the feeling that I was going to pass out. 

My sister asked if I wanted to leave and I told her no... I think I can do this. We walked again only to reach ANOTHER bench. I had to sit again. I think my clothing was drenched from sweating. I wasn't sweating due to the temperature outside; anxiety attacks bring on a myriad of symptoms. As we sat on this last bench I began to cry. I told my sister was so sorry I ruined her evening.  She was very understanding and said, you didn't ruin my evening, you couldn't help this. My sister asked if I wanted to leave and I finally gave in ( I felt embarrassed and defeated), but we left. 

Once we got further from the large crowd and closer to my car the symptoms began to dissipate. You would think I would have been happy that I was beginning to feel better, but I felt even more frustrated; I was frustrated with me! I kept apologizing to my sister. My sister was very soothing; telling me I had no control over what had happened. She reminded me that I had an illness. She reminded me that I had no control over this illness. She reminded me that she loved me and was having a good time with me no matter what we were doing. 

My sister was my rock on that particular evening. I will openly admit not everyone is as tolerant. Some people do not have the patience and even take it as a personal assault. Some people get mad because YOU ruined their time. Please try to be like my sister, not the person who lacks understanding. Try to be patient if you are with someone that is experiencing an Anxiety attack. Patience is a virtue for sure- patience helps the person's anxiety not to escalate. Some people end up in the Emergency room if the anxiety continues to escalate because they honestly feel as though their dying. 

I spoke to my Doctor about this incident when we returned home and he told me it's a form of agoraphobia. I thought it was claustrophobia.  Some people have social anxiety and will experience the symptoms I described above and even feel disassociation- almost like an out of body experience. I do not have social anxiety, but I do have a fear of open spaces for reasons unknown. 

Since that experience, it has happened to me when I've gone to the mall or even somewhere as simple as Walmart. I had to learn to desensitize myself. Desensitization is a slow process. One of the problems a person will encounter is something called pre-anticipatory anxiety. This is a fear of going back to places you feel may cause you panic again. Once that thought enters your brain - the brain decides to have fun with you (not), and you begin feeling extremely anxious before leaving the house. That's why it's so important to not give up. If you give up, you may find your home becomes your prison. 

Desensitization is facing your fears. For example- head to your dreaded store of choice, start with a smaller store and plan to possibly buy just one item.  I was also told to keep my medicine in my purse as a placebo effect. One last suggestion he gave me- grab a cart. Why grab a cart? The cart keeps you focused while pushing it, and gives you an added level of stability if you start to feel dizzy. 

I can happily share that desensitization works. It's taken me quite a while to get to the point that I'm not anticipating an attack before I leave. It's taken me quite a while to realize I'm able to go into stores and not feel as though I need to rush out.  It also helps to have someone go with you that understands. 

Anxiety Disorder is so complex. For the person living with it- well it can feel as though you're at the bottom of an abyss and you'll never be able to climb out. With the proper medical attention, support system and even medication, there is hope! 

Let's keep this discussion going. There are so many people suffering in silence. There are people who would love to discuss this topic openly but fear retribution from co-workers or even family members. There are others who feel so hopeless they don't know who to turn to, or how to begin the conversation. They feel like lepers. I felt like a leper for a long time. I felt as though I was a burden to be around since the illness is so unpredictable. Anxiety wants to rule your life. Take back your life with the help of professionals. And, let's help others by ending the stigma attached to brain illnesses.