Dave Worthen

4 years ago · 6 min. reading time · +100 ·

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It's Personal: When You Can't Talk About What's Really On Your Mind

It's Personal: When You Can't Talk About What's Really On Your Mind

SE.

You are having a conversation with your spouse or partner.

This is a personal conversation. Not about the weather or politics.

You are talking about something that you’re trying to resolve between the two of you.

As your conversation unfolds, there will be a part, albeit a small part of this conversation, that each of you individually will not look at completely.

The truth is, one layer deeper in this conversation is an area you both have a knowingness about that is being held back or not fully communicated.

For example you could be talking about your sexual relationship.

But one or both of you are not talking about it directly.

It’s like you can talk about it up to a certain point... and then you stop.

You look at this area in your own mind and you think, “I need to tell him this,” or “I have to talk to her about this,” but you get all the way up to that point and you can’t quite say it.

This “Can’t quite say,” is actually a “Can’t quite look at it completely.”

See, if you look at any condition you have right now, be it personal, your body, sexual, finances, anything, you will find you have a fairly good confront of that thing or area.

But in some areas you do not necessarily confront the total truth.

Like for example your body.

You may be aware that there are certain things about your body that you don’t want to completely look at and confront.

And it’s not just your weight but other personal issues you’d rather not look at or talk about.

And yet you can talk about all of it up to this one point.

And maybe you even glibly say, “Oh I need to lose about 10 lbs,” or “I should probably stop drinking beer at night and go to the gym.”

You know, some cheerful social banter that goes along with the conversation.

It’s actually part of the non-confront.

Same with sex.

You want to talk to your partner about your sex life and you go through these hesitations and gyrations.

First, you don’t talk about it because this area is not always easily approachable. You can talk about the dishes, but you cannot talk about what each of you truly need and want in your sexual relationship.

“Well, this is different though. Sex is personal, you know, it’s...it’s different.”

Why is that?

What makes it different?

“Well for one, it’s personal.”

I see.

Well that’s exactly my point.

This “personal area” has been roped off like some kind of FBI yellow tape around a crime scene, see?

There are WARNING signs when you walk down this hallway and think about talking about something personal like your sex life, your weight, or money you spend without telling your partner.

These “personal areas” have been relegated to something you “have to be careful with” or that you “need to tread lightly” on.

Man-o-man forget the yellow FBI tape.

There are eggshells all over this area.

And isn’t it interesting that the very thing you want to get into communication about is booby-trapped with all these self-imposed eggshells.

This “personal area” that sits between you and your partner and more intimacy or a better relationship has warning lights, tripwires, and false ideas of how it should be approached with caution or not at all.

It’s just wild.  

And if you step back and take a look at any situation between your partner and yourself or even between your boss or family member, you will see there is this part that is not fully confronted.

“I don’t think my husband will understand what my real needs are. It won’t be real to him and I don’t want to argue about it.”

See, it’s not even about your husband. Your attention goes onto him when he’s not even in this conversation.

This “conversation” is still inside your head.

What you are chewing on is what you cannot reconcile within yourself.  

See?

You have created your own eggshells with regards to your husband.

And the eggshells are not a product of your husband.

They are the byproduct of not confronting your husband.

And the same is true for him.

In fact in my experience he’s less willing to talk about it.

But it still sits there. So he doesn’t talk to you about it.

And as a result of the non-confront you have with each other, both of you have manufactured the very “reason” you have to step around each other with caution.

All built and constructed by each of you.

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Listen: Your sex life is as good as you’re completely in communication about it.

And I use the word completely because many couples talk about the area, but they often don’t get down to the nitty gritty.

So what is left is the nitty gritty not confronted or discussed.

And when I get with each person individually, what do you think they say when I ask them, “How’s your sex life?”

They hem and haw because they are so used to the eggshells.

I acknowledge them and then ask them again for real.

“Come on Ginger, tell me. How is it really?

And then out comes the nitty-gritty.

And what is this “nitty gritty?”

It’s simply that last mile. It’s that part that you want to say but somehow cannot get your voice to say. It’s that part that your parents didn’t say or your grandparents admonished you for saying. It’s that part that you couldn’t say with your last partner.

Or maybe you’ve never been able to say, see?

But it sits there.

It sits there as this roped off area that you go over and over in your own mind, but cannot for the life of you communicate to your partner.

And you know what?

Your partner is the same.

And each of you think if you take down that yellow tape that something bad is going to happen.

So you keep the yellow tape up.

The eggshells are strewn around 360 degrees.

And you have a “normal” relationship and move along.

Except this area that is not fully confronted grows.

It has a life of its own.

You know why?

Because you keep looking at it.

LOOKINGNESS GIVES LIFE TO NOT-LOOKINGNESS.

Try that one on for size.  

You see you look at this area and then bounce off of it like it says, “Restricted Area. Proceed with Caution.”

This “restricted” area is the basic lie.

You’re not supposed to talk about “that.”

And the “that” has been roped off ever since you can remember.

Because in your upbringing it wasn’t directly confronted either. You may have had some talk about “The birds and the bees,” or something like this, right?

There so many metaphors and sing-songy ways that this area has been discussed that when it comes time to talk about directly, you’re not even quite sure what language to use.

You don’t have that problem when it comes to doing dishes.

And the crazy thing is it’s not about sex at all.

It’s about your ability to talk about anything and everything without having any inhibition so you can communicate your ideas to your partner, and get some understanding. Them as well. See?

I mean we could switch the subject to money.

“My husband and I always get into an argument when we go over finances. I’m not bringing up my weekend trip to the Spa with my girlfriends. No way.”

Hmmmmm….

Listen: Money as a subject has got yellow tape, eggshells and landmines.

So, you avoid it or walk around it.

It's Personal: Take Down the Yellow Tape

The truth is, “It’s personal” is some default setting you go to instead of confronting the truth of what you need to talk about.

Just look at it.

The very thing you want to communicate sits there not communicated because lordy-lordy we don’t want anyone getting upset.

That’s the craziest thing ever.

You’re already upset!

You’re just pretending it’s “really okay.”

I cannot tell you how many couples I talk to who tell me they have a “Good marriage” or a “Good relationship” like they are answering a Good Housekeeping survey or something.

They’re caught in this loop that keeps them from saying what it is, when saying what it is, is the only way out of the loop!

It’s all wired wrong.

But here’s the truth:

Wherever your attention is, is a point of aliveness.

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Do you have your attention stuck on the washing that's done or the washing piling up in the laundry basket?

Right.

So anything you have “cached” in your mind will pile up like your laundry.

And unless you handle it, it will just grow.

And when you don’t handle it like your laundry, you begin to complain about your partner. 

Couples are quick to talk about the shortcomings of their partner.

“She’s always too tired.”

Sorry, that’s a complaint and a lazy-ass way to assign cause to your wife or partner

“He just wants sex.”

Sorry, that’s a complaint and a handy one since you didn’t have it in the beginning of the relationship.

How to Handle the Bounce Effect of Undelivered Communication:

The “bounce effect” is when you look at the taped off area and you imagine yourself telling your partner exactly what’s on your mind. And then when it comes time to talk about the nitty gritty you look at it and bounce off of it.

You hint at it.

You lead up to it.

You talk around it.

But for the life of you you cannot just look at it as it is, and say, “You know when you start kissing me down there…”

See?

I mean this area is strewn with red lights and penalties and sirens.

Listen: You just need to pull the trigger.

You are confronting an area that you mistakenly think is an electric fence.

Except it’s not electric.

See?

Every cell in your body says that fence is electric.

It’s not.

And the proof in the pudding is when you confront this area and say it you don’t get shocked

You actually get relief.

Because this area of attention needs to complete its cycle of action.

Like your laundry, your attention goes off of it when you complete its cycle of action.

This “thing” or “area” you want to talk about with your spouse or partner?

Go complete that cycle.

Yes, it can seem like a big pile of laundry.  

That’s on you.

It’s your laundry.

But both you and your partner will feel much better.

Because trust me.

Your partner knows you have something sitting there.

Because they do too.



Dave Worthen

Author. Consultant. International Speaker.

Dave Worthen Books

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Comments

Dave Worthen

4 years ago #4

#3
Hi Jerry Fletcher! She awaits, my friend.

Jerry Fletcher

4 years ago #3

Dave, I just wish I had a lady in my life to try out your wonderful advice. And so it goes.

Dave Worthen

4 years ago #2

#1
Hola Lupita \ud83d\udc1d Reyes!! Thank you so much for you kind words and support. I continue to do my best to help couples understand that there is nothing better than getting down to the truth of things if they want to live happier lives. To pretend or not say to your partner is the exact opposite of not only what a relationship is but what a partner is. Why not just be really real? Thanks again for your enthusiasm and being a fan of my work.

Lupita 🐝 Reyes

4 years ago #1

Great post Dave Worthen!! I can tell you that your post goes beyond words and paragraphs. This is the core of a relationship. So far, I have never met a couple that talk about EVERYTHING. You’re willingness to make others get in comm and have happier lives and amazing relationships is so appreciated!! Thanks for all the things you do!!

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